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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my mum have DD to 'sleep' anymore

27 replies

pannikin · 01/04/2018 19:32

My mum was desperate for DD (4) to stay over one of the nights this bank hol. Agreed for tonight. Just got a text saying she's bringing her back as she's upset and wants to come home.
Fair enough, I don't want DD upset. But my mum does this, or similar every time. DD has never actually slept a full night there.
I have been divorced from exH since DD was 2 - she goes to sleep there one night EOW and longer in school holidays etc, and is perfectly fine without me when she's there. Confused
She has a good bond with my mum as my parents have spent a lot of time with her since she was a baby. Last year, DD had gone to stay one Sat night and I woke up in early hours of Sun morning to parents banging on door saying they'd had to bring her home as she kept waking up asking for me. Also had similar six weeks or so ago, when she asked for DD to stay, moaned at me cos they hadn't had her to sleep in so long (because they bring her back every bloody time). I explained saying she could, but she had to keep her all night. She rang me at 10 saying can you come get her, she's upset. When I picked her up she was fine, just tired. It's also scuppered plans on several occasions.
I don't rely on them for babysitting, I don't ask them to have her anymore as it always turns into this massive palaver. But then they pull the guilt thing on me and say why do you never let us have DD to stay, she loves spending time with granny and grandad - which she does, but why bring her back every time!
Sick of it now.

OP posts:
IAmWonkoTheSane · 01/04/2018 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throwcushions · 01/04/2018 19:36

How annoying. Sounds like they are getting her into a habit too. If you want her to be able to stay there maybe stay too one evening just so you can tell them when she's crying what she really needs? E.g if she's tired.

If I were you though I'd just say sorry it's too disruptive for us both for her to be brought back late - at 4 years old I would be annoyed if she was still awake at 10pm.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 01/04/2018 19:36

Just say no. Tell them they can have her again once she’s hit X years old. Maybe wait until ste’s successfully slept over at a friend’s house?

Leeds2 · 01/04/2018 19:37

Could DD not stay with them for the day, then come home to sleep? If she was there from 8/9/10 o'clock until 6, they would get to spend plenty of time together.

Original poster
pannikin · 01/04/2018 19:38

Yes I wonder if it's getting her into a 'habit' of sorts too. I feel bad too, for disrupting her like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
pannikin · 01/04/2018 19:38

Leeds2, that would be fine by me! I'm not particularly keen on DD being away from me when she doesn't have to be (obviously contact with her dad is different), but I feel bad when they ask and play the guilt trip on me.

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 01/04/2018 19:39

YANBU. Why do you think they do this? Is it they forgot what kids are like, or do you genuinely think she is upset?

I would just say ‘the past 3 times she has gone to stay, you have brought her home because she was upset. Therefore she isnt ready for sleepovers for a while.’ If they protest just say: ‘Look, either she is so upset that youare concerned and call me or she isn’t. Several times I have had to come get her in the middle of the night. Maybe when she is older. You are welcome to come visit or take her for the afternoon.’

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/04/2018 19:41

YANBU. İt's have my nephew a lot.
He always asks to come and stay. I'm the soft auntie who he's got wrapped around his little fingerGrin.
However he still sometimes he asks for his mummy or will say "I want my mummy. After a snuggle. He's always fine.
However I wouldn't dream of phoning my sister up unless he was literally sobbing and shaking saying I want my mummy

BubblesAndSquarks · 01/04/2018 19:43

I would just say when they ask that she doesn't seem old enough yet as each time shes having to come back so you think its best to wait until shes 5 (or 6 months roughly if shes nearly 5) before trying again.

Applesandpears23 · 01/04/2018 19:48

YANBU - sounds so annoying. My parents sometimes put my 4 yeqr old to bed here whilst I get on with something else (usually getting the baby to sleep!) Sometimes she goes to sleep for them and sometimes they give up and I have to step in. Would something like that work for you all?

pigsDOfly · 01/04/2018 19:49

You can't keep having that. Either she's ready to stay over, in which case DM needs to insists she stays even if she is a bit unsure or she isn't ready.

I would guess she's not really ready yet and tbh it sounds like your DM isn't really ready to cope with her staying over either.

Regardless of how desperate your DM is to have her, it's not working.
DM needs to realise she's going to have to wait till your DD is older.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 01/04/2018 19:54

Just say ‘FGS stop asking. She’s not coming ‘to stay’ anymore because she never bloody well stays! Her sleep is disrupted, my plans are disrupted. It’s just not working. She can stay when she’s a bit older if she wants to. Now stop asking’.

Shes clearly very familiar with them so ckearkyntheyte doing a crap job of getting her to sleep & re settling her. If they really wanted her to stay it would be fine.

No idea why they’re doing this, people are odd.

They shouldn’t need the bloody obvious pointed out to them, but clearly they do, so be blunt enough to get your message across.

KirstenRaymonde · 01/04/2018 19:55

You need to say ‘every time you’ve had her, she hasn’t stayed over night because you’ve brought her back early. You can have her when she’s a bit older a can actually stay all night’

Mydoghatesthebath · 01/04/2018 19:56

God your mum sound hard work!

I have my dgc stop from 6 weeks old and of they stop they stop unless become ill.

Your dd is 4 so why can’t she just cuddle her up or comfert her and have fun.

Tell her no more now as it’s not working but how pathetic she is

StaplesCorner · 01/04/2018 20:06

So, could you say to them "no you can't keep asking to have DD to stay as she never actually stays" and see what happens? I think they are the ones playing up, not your poor DD!!

Tiddlywinks63 · 01/04/2018 20:06

I've looked after my young DGSs overnight and not had a problem with settling them if they've asked for DS or DDIL.
I agree you your DM sounds like hard work; does she really want DD overnight or is she making excuses not to have her at night?

Zebra31 · 01/04/2018 20:19

YANBU. I would put a stop to it. It’s not fair on you or your DD. I would speak to them and explain why it has to stop. I understand it must be extreamly difficult to say no when she guilt trips you. But, you are going to have to be strong and remind her why they can’t have DD overnight next time she asks.

llangennith · 01/04/2018 20:22

Maybe they’re putting her to bed too late and not sticking to her usual routine. Have you told them what her bedtime routine is? And timings?
ie: what time she should have her tea, bath time, story etc.
Tell them you’ll give them one last go and but they must do her bedtime as you do it.

supersop60 · 01/04/2018 20:38

YANBU - it's not working for her, them or you. I imagine that you make plans for the 'free' evening, only to have them disrupted, and then you also have a tired and grumpy DD and DM/DF to deal with. Wait till she's older.

BlankTimes · 01/04/2018 20:53

What are your parents doing that's upsetting your DD enough for her to have to come home?

Different discipline with the threat of behave or I'll call your Mum?
Spooky stories before bed? Monsters under the bed?
Talking about you so your DD thinks you're all alone.
Unfamiliar noises at night?
No nightlight, nightlight too bright?
Odd shadows in the room, passing cars etc?

anothernamechanged · 01/04/2018 20:54

YANBU. I agree with the suggestion of staying with her at your parents house overnight, if you do want this to work, then you can see if it is your DD getting upset or your parents overreacting. And if it is your DD getting upset then you're on hand to step in and reassure her.

WellThisIsShit · 01/04/2018 21:27

Oh that sounds exhausting! How upset is dd? Can you work out what’s actually going on here?

greenyblue · 01/04/2018 21:48

Look, either she is so upset that youare concerned and call me or she isn’t. Several times I have had to come get her in the middle of the night

I get the impression she's not necessarily as upset as they claim? Which means they change their mind - either way, seems like the setup isn't going to work until she's older.

Original poster
pannikin · 01/04/2018 22:12

Thats the thing! By the time I get there/she's home, she's not upset at all and there's no traces of her being upset Confused
I ask her and she says 'I missed you mummy' or 'after my bath they said you would come home'
So I think it's a case of not being arsed, weirdly. almost as if they like the idea more than the reality. She's a good sleeper too, at home anyway and her dad has never told me otherwise when I've asked how she was.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 01/04/2018 22:19

YANBU they clearly cant look after her properly.
My ILs were like this when my son was younger. I actually had better childcare overnight off a couple of my friends because they actually followed the routine I suggested and had good boundaries.
My ILs did things like switched the light on because he whimpered or let him get out of bed and come and sit in the living room with them because he asked for me once..... I mean kids will say 'I miss mummy' or sometimes be unsettled... but you respond by reassuring them and not messing up their routine.
Of course if they become extremely distressed then they need to go back home but you raise the likelyhood of them becoming extremely distressed if at the slightest hint of anxiety you completely mess up their routine.