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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you give stuff away ....

24 replies

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 19:21

Ok so I’m not sure if it’s ok to be pissed off about this.

I had kids 10 years before my older sister is.

I bought my kids up alone and money was always tight even though I worked. We always had camping holidays etc as I always saved Tesco vouchers etc.

My sister built a career before she had kids and her and her husband have always made good investments etc and had savings (I don’t know if this is relevant!) but were never skint. My sister has a bit of a rep within the family for being a bit tight.

They don’t live close but I always saved my kids clothes for them and until mine were teens (and their clothes were not reusable) and gave her all the hand me downs which she loved, also passed on toys etc which I could have sold but didn’t as I wanted her kids to have them and felt it was what “family” did.

I gave her quite an extensive collection of specific kids toys which are quite expensive, some of which were given to me and some of which I bought for my kids as gifts etc, the kids were happy for me to do this.

I did think about selling it as I could have prob made about £500 plus and when I gave it money was quite tight but I actually thought screw it I really want her DC to have them as it was something they would and did get a lot of enjoyment out of.

Fast forward several years and I saw her recently and she has sold the lot on, and made quite a lot of money out of it and also sold a collection of books my beloved Gran gave to me for my children and asked me to pass on to her wheh she has kids (DSIS kids were born after her death) which I did duly and willingly thinking they would be kept in the “family” for any grandchildren we might have, she is also now asking my mum
if she can have some childhood books that were ours as kids which are valuable but I would like some of for sentimental reasons.

Obvs there is nothing I can do about her selling things I have given her but AIBU to feel upset she sold the stuff (rather than passing it on in the same spirit or asking me first if I wanted it back) and that she bloody told me that she had done it!

OP posts:

Paie · 01/04/2018 19:24

When you give stuff to her, ask her to let her know when she's done with it as some of it has sentimental value. I do think it's cheeky to sell on anything you've been given for free, but once you've given it away you no longer own it.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 19:27

I guess I accept that I just couldn’t believe she had to cheek to tell me she has sold it and how much for when she knows full well I could have sold it myself and needed the money.

OP posts:

BigPinkBall · 01/04/2018 19:27

I don’t think you are being unreasonable for how you feel, but I can see why she would assume you didn’t want things back if your kids are grown up. I’ve sold things on that we were given but only because I didn’t know anyone who wanted them and it was easier to see them on fb and have someone collect from me than make the trip to the charity shop.

She should have offered you the money she made though.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 19:27

At the time I gave it - not now as my circumstances have changed a lot since I gave it.

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 01/04/2018 19:32

You should have asked for money for them at the time. It is shitty of her to gain profit from it though.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 19:33

Yeah I should have sold it to her

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 01/04/2018 19:36

I'm amazed that old toys and books are worth so much? What were they?

But no, when you give stuff away, you can't assume that the new owners will apply the same emotional attachment as you did.

Bumpitybumper · 01/04/2018 19:38

YANBU to be annoyed, I would be very annoyed about this.

I think it's sneaky to take things with obvious monetary or sentimental value for free and then sell them on afterwards without checking with the person that gave you them if they were happy for you to do this. I think she obviously didn't want to tell you what she was doing as she realised it was cheeky to keep all the money herself and probably knew you wouldn't want to sell the books. It's all very underhand and devised to maximise the money she can make out of her sister. I think it's so hurtful when your family take advantage of you like that even if technically the items were her's to do what she pleases with.

Clarissa111 · 01/04/2018 19:42

I think when you give somebody something, it’s not yours anymore. I understand though, I gave my partners cousin an expensive pushchair as she was struggling. She sold it on after a few wks. I learnt not to give her anything again! Sentimental stuff is worse.

Warpdrive · 01/04/2018 19:42

I have been the recipient of one or two very useful hand me downs over the years. I remember one was a bike and I sold it on and gave my niece (who it had come from) the money. Wouldn’t dream of taking the dosh for myself if I hadn’t paid in the first place.

SnooSigh · 01/04/2018 19:42

I sort of assume that anything I give away is no longer mine unless I stipulate it. When I passed on my baby stuff to my sister I said that when she’d done she could sell it and we’d split it 50/50 which I thought was fair.

KC225 · 01/04/2018 19:58

Whenever this crops up on mumsnet - the old 'when you give it away it's up to them what they do with, you have no right to be annoyed, its not yours anymore' always gets bandied about. Its like a broken record. But it's bloody rude. if you give somebody your things as a gesture of good will be it children's clothes, baby stuff, toys etc. It's bad form to sell it on and not say anything - sneaky.

She will not be giving you a cut of the proceeds OP but you know that already. I would let her know you are aware of her 'sales' especially with regards to your Grandmother's books. A pointed 'I was disappointed to hear you've sold the books and toys I gave you.' She'll squirm and spout a bit of the above but make sure you stop handing things over.

Good luck OP.

lljkk · 01/04/2018 19:59

I sell anything on that is supposed to be mine, if I can. Why wouldn't I?

Not much of a gift when it isn't really hers to do as she sees fit. You need to call these items loans in future.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 20:58

The toys yes.

My grans books no.

OP posts:

InspMorse · 01/04/2018 21:06

I'm also wondering what old books/toys made £500 +

If they were so precious & held such sentimental value maybe you should have lent her them.

I'm on the side of those who say if you give something away, you don't own it anymore.

givemesteel · 01/04/2018 21:29

The polite thing to do would have been for her to ask if you wanted them back first to sell them yourself. If she has form for being tight I probably would have said it was a long term loan and you wanted them back eventually to sell.

I'm afraid I'm a bit tight with passing on kid stuff I've finished with to friends as I've spent so much money over the years I am looking forward to getting some of it back by doing a mass sale when the time comes where we don't need it anymore.

Sentimental stuff I don't think I would have given unless I made it really really clear I wanted them back.

If I was you I'd call her out on it and say that you think it would be fair for her to share the profits of what she's sold and give you back anything she hasn't sold yet.

NoCanoe · 01/04/2018 21:48

I feel for you.
I found myself in similar predicament years ago. I was having to move into short term accommodation. Space was tight so I gave my sister my desk. An expensive one. It suited her house so I was happy for her to have it.
What I found galling was that 3 years later, when she was moving, she sold it and boasted how much she had made from it! I was then in a new place and would have happily welcomed desk back! Even paid for it!
I think it grabby to make money out of stuff you have been giving freely, without at least checking with the original giver.

NoCanoe · 01/04/2018 21:50

given

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 22:39

My gran asked me to pass the books to her and for the kids to “share” them which I assumed would mean they were kept

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 22:45

It was a rare complete works of a children’s author.

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/04/2018 22:49

I agree with KC225 , people here always say that once you have passed something on then it is there's to do with as they please but I too think it is rude, it is even ruder to then brag about how much you made from the sale!!

UpOver · 01/04/2018 22:58

My gran asked me to pass the books to her and for the kids to “share” them which I assumed would mean they were kept

That’s no good unless your Gran or you told your sister that that was the deal. Your sister probably thought that because you had given them all to her hat you didn’t want them.

I think if you want a share of the money the best thing would be to ask her for some.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 01/04/2018 23:07

She knew the deal because I told her when I passed them on (I didn’t really want to TBF) and she knew how special she was to me.

I don’t want the money - I begrudge her making the money she doesn’t need.

OP posts:

DingDongDenny · 01/04/2018 23:53

I would have to say something to her. 'I was happy for you to have them because I wanted the kids to enjoy them. But since you've sold them and I was the one who paid for them in the first place (the toys) then I think you owe me the money'

Or for the books 'I'd rather we had kept them in the family, but since it's too late I think you should give me half the money since they were for both of us'

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