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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel Easter lunch !?

21 replies

rOsie80 · 01/04/2018 08:53

Last weekend my mum suggested (told) me that she was going to come over to mine with my 93 yr old granny for lunch on Easter Sunday. I told my fiancé who then said, ok I'm going to invite my brother. Yesterday, when out shopping with DSS (17 tomorrow) he text me to say DSS wanted to join us. I know this all sounds pretty innocent but...

  • no-one here waited for an invite
  • our house is small - we have dining table which just seats 6 (5 with high chair - DS is 21 months)
  • DS has suddenly not been sleeping this week, I've done all the getting/staying up even though we both work as fiancĂ© has new job and nothing must jeopardise his ability to do his job !
  • 93 year old granny has dementia and is quite hard work now, also struggles to get up our steep stairs and we have no wc downstairs
  • my mum wants to come to mine as she doesn't want to take her mum over to hers and have to drive her home (even though I offered to do that!)
  • BIL will never reciprocate anyway, and frequently turns up late / when he likes and doesn't really have many social graces and never has us to his to eat
  • DSS only wants to come over to receive birthday cash handout from uncle and we are taking him for birthday meal tomorrow anyway.

I do as much as I can to help my mum/granny. I'm local to her, my brother not (so he basically does nothing) She babysits occasionally (4 times since DS born) but in her own words gets "all the joy, none of the responsibility" of being grandparent! I think it was pretty silly of fiancé to suggest his bro and DSS as the mix of blended family would be a strain at best of times but particularly when little one been playing up this week!

I've stood firm, been diplomatic, and now BIL joining us for DSS birthday lunch tomorrow. But now feeling guilty for just wanting 5 mins of (relative) peace over the bank holiday - AIBU ???

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 01/04/2018 09:05

Personally I think it's too late to cancel today, particularly as the shops are shut and they won't have anything planned to eat.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 01/04/2018 09:09

It's too late to cancel now, if you really don't want to host could you try to book a table to eat somewhere instead?
Don't over think It, I'm sure everyone will get on fine and if not it's only a few hours.

4seasons · 01/04/2018 09:13

If any shops are open go and buy loads of ready made cold , buffet type food .... bagged salads , quiches , lemon tarts etc.... and plenty of wine. Set it all out on the table with cutlery etc. .... tell everyone to help themselves and sit on the sofa with a large glass of wine. Raise your glass and wish everyone a happy Easter. Oh , don’t forget that your fiancé can help do all of this and if you use paper plates the washing up they will all offer to do will be minimal !
Can you guess how tired I’ve got over the years with doing all the work whilst others , including my DH ( the happy host and opener of wine bottles ) enjoyed themselves ?!

Prtf1345 · 01/04/2018 09:25

Yes you are being unreasonable. It’s too late to cancel, and if you did- you will be in the wrong

Inertia · 01/04/2018 09:29

Unreasonable to cancel today - if you don’t want people to come for lunch then say no when they invite themselves. Just keep it as simple as possible. Your mum will have to help Granny use the bathroom.

drspouse · 01/04/2018 09:31

Presumably if your DSS didn't come he'd be at his mum's and she'll have food in. Suggest he comes later as you have no space for him to sit (he'll get his cash and you could maybe buy a cake? Send DP out to do that).
DP invited his brother, without asking you. Brother is a grown-up and will have food in. He can come at tea time too.
Hopefully you can then manage your mum and DGM.

AjasLipstick · 01/04/2018 09:32

Ooh I think you sound mean re. the cash handout. :( How do you know it's only for that?

Bixx · 01/04/2018 09:33

No, you can’t cancel now. If you didn’t want all these people at yours you should have firmly said no when it was first suggested.

Ryder63 · 01/04/2018 09:38

It's kinda snowballed, hasn't it? I would go with the excellent suggestions of a meal out, or pre prepped buffet Easter Smile

MaggieFS · 01/04/2018 09:39

You say you've stood firm and BIL is now joining lunch tomorrow - does that mean they are still coming today or not?

It's a bit late now, when your mum first told you she wanted to come round today you should have said no then, 'weekend is already taken up with DSS birthday'

BifsWif · 01/04/2018 09:40

I think you sound mean too. You didn’t want to cancel until DSS wanted to come?

Suck it up, it’s too late now.

Penfold007 · 01/04/2018 09:40

Too late to cancel. Perfectly reasonable that DP wants both his children to be at a family lunch. Get DP to text BIL asking him to bring wine and soft drinks. DP needs to be involved in the cooking, organising and childcare. Don't let your DM invite herself again.

MaverickSnoopy · 01/04/2018 09:42

I was expecting to say YANBU but actually reading your post, your reasons are not good enough to cancel so late. They are good enough not to do it in the first place, but you would have needed to have said something much earlier. I appreciate that you didn't know DS would have a bad week but this is where DH needs to step up. You can't do it all on your own, nor should you have to.

We have a rule in our house that week 1 in a new job sees that other parents doing nights if needed, apart from at weekends. If he can't do the nights then he needs to host of contribute greatly to hosting.

fleshmarketclose · 01/04/2018 09:52

Yes you'd be unreasonable to uninvite them now. Really once you are cooking for five (you, dp, dc,dm, dgm) a couple more won't make any difference. Make a chocolate trifle or a chocolate cake for pudding and put everything in serving dishes for people to serve themselves and you won't notice the extras. Ask one of the guests to bring a dining chair so they have somewhere to sit.

BennyTheBall · 01/04/2018 10:01

Yes, very unreasonable and too late to cancel.

Homemenu1 · 01/04/2018 10:10

Imagine one day when your ds asks to come round for lunch at short notice, I bet you’d be delighted.

Sound like you have a problem with the dss and bil, maybe you’re only interested
In your own family.

diddl · 01/04/2018 10:12

So it's OK for your mum & gran to tell you that they're coming over, but a kid wants to be with his dad/sibling & that's too much??

chocatoo · 01/04/2018 10:14

Too late to cancel. Try and think of it as nice that they want to come. Just do a roast with lots of potatoes. Give people jobs so you dont do it all. Also make it clear to your mum that she is responsible for grandma.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2018 10:20

It is too late to cancel.. but you agreed to a small thing and then it got bigger and bigger without you really planning it or agreeing. DSS deserves to come more than any of the others if he wants to see his dad at Easter. Go ahead as gracefully as you can, but after this - sit DH down and say calmly that he cannot just run around inviting people without asking you. I can see that you would find Gran with Dementia difficult to cope with as you and Mum understand her needs and peculiarities, without the inlaws expecting a social occasion being on the scene. I've been in that situation and it was very stressful. Clearly your DH just doesn't understand this and also sounds like he's not much involved in the preparations. You need to discuss it with him and work out what he would do next time to support you and consult you. Because he hasn't this time.

Glumglowworm · 01/04/2018 10:24

YABU to cancel now
The time to speak up was when people started inviting themselves and DH invited more people.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 01/04/2018 22:40

How did it go OP? I thought of you today.

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