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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DM drive my DCs around

33 replies

Lulubellee · 01/04/2018 08:17

My mother and my DCs do have a nice relationship when they see eachother and she is a loving grandmother. We don't see as much of her recently as she works a fair bit and life gets in the way. She used to drop in and see DCs at ours but this seems to have fizzled out.

She has a painful condition (don't want to specify for fear of indentifying myself) and as a result is on a few medications including using regular morphine patches which affect her sleep patterns. When we visited her last time she kept nodding off while the DCs were playing/being quite loud. She actually had an accident about 6 months ago where she knocked into a bollard and admits she thinks she dozed off.

Recently she seems to want to take eldest DS out for daytrips, I do want to enable their relationship and DS enjoys himself when she is around but I am really worried about her being alone incase something would happen. I have tried avoiding her questions by saying we'd love to see you shall we meet there etc. but don't know how else I can broach this subject as I know she will get hurt and upset if I explain my reasons and take it as me saying I don't think she is a good grandparent.

OP posts:
HoarseMackerel · 01/04/2018 08:27

That's a worry!
Do any of her medications actually have warnings on the pack about driving?
If it is affecting her ability to stay awake, I would have thought she could test positive for drug driving if pulled over.
I would feel the same as you.

Unfortunately I can't see how you can carry on without telling her you're concerned but stress to her that you want her to spend time with the DCs but that you don't want it to be too much for her with her condition.

HisBetterHalf · 01/04/2018 08:30

Its not just the DC at risk she could harm anyone if at risk of falling asleep when driving. Has her GP confirmed it is ok to drive on her medication?

Quietlife1979 · 01/04/2018 08:34

My friend has actually been in this situation. Her DM was seen driving home and actually weaving over the central reservation with the kids in the car, they did not hesitate to stop the situation immediately.

She could kill your kids. Your 100% in the right and you shouldn’t let how she would feel potentially endanger your children.

My mil has been driving (illegally) for over 25 years on a provisional driving licence. She was told my kids would never be in the car, that went down like a lead balloon. Apparently all the grandkids get driven around by her Hmm

I pointed out to dh that if she had a crash and broke our child’s back there would be no insurance money for wheel chairs/stair lifts ect.. funnily enough that snapped him out of it

She soon got over it

AuditAngel · 01/04/2018 08:36

My mum suffered similar symptoms on the fentanyl patches, the GP tweaked the dosage.

mummabeargrr · 01/04/2018 08:51

No your not.

mummabeargrr · 01/04/2018 08:51

You're Shock

Original poster
Lulubellee · 01/04/2018 09:11

I don't think the medications carry warnings for driving as they are long term meds and her doctor knows she drives. If I say I think the DC would be too much for her she would say she will be fine, she looks after my DBs DCs fairly often as a back up childcare for them.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/04/2018 09:18

Morphine patches do have the warming. I have them. Sometimes they did make me drowsy until I got used to them. I didn’t drive for a week when firstbprescribed just to see how I reacted to them. I am fine now but only do short distances.

OnTheRise · 01/04/2018 09:38

Why don't you just tell her you won't let her drive your children because of her constant drowsiness? I'm not sure what the problem is here.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 01/04/2018 09:39

My dad isn't allowed my DC in his car (or to be in sole charge of them at all) because he's an alcoholic with form for drunk driving. He swears he doesn't do it any more. I couldn't give a shit. My kids (and everyone else's) lives are more important than his pride. And yes, I'd report him in a heartbeat if I ever found he'd done it again - apparently he's sober now...

GnotherGnu · 01/04/2018 09:47

If she admits she's dozed off whilst driving before there really isn't any argument. Can you precede any discussion with a lot of emphasis on how the children love seeing her, she's a great grandmother, but you'd prefer it if she got a taxi for days out. Could you offer to pay for the cab?

Original poster
Lulubellee · 01/04/2018 10:03

She describes the incident with the bollard as a one off because she'd worked lots of nights, had my nephew for the day etc. she thinks that was all in combination with the meds rather than caused by the meds.

She is the type to get hurt and cause issues fairly easily if I say to her exactly as I actually feel she will take it that I think she isn't capable and she is always saying how she has DBs children to make a point e.g. if he feels she is fine should should I.

I thought she would get the hint that I'd rather drop them off or have visits at our/her home but she keeps asking for various things to take DC with her and I don't know how to have the conversation with her without causing problems between us. She said she feels at her most tired between patches (before changing), I suppose where it is wearing off but she doesn't rest much when necessary so I think the risk is always there.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 01/04/2018 10:39

She is the type to get hurt and cause issues fairly easily

That's unfortunate. But it's your children's safety at risk here. You have to make sure everyone involved understands that she's not to drive your child/children, and that this isn't up for discussion.

I know it's hard, but you have to.

If it means she stops seeing you, then that's sad but it's not your fault. All you're doing is putting reasonable boundaries in place to protect your children.

Tronkmanton · 01/04/2018 10:56

Your children are the most precious things in your life. You would never forgive yourself if something happened when she was driving them. It’s an absolute no brainer- just be brave and tell her.

We had this situation recently with my lovely MIL. A few small incidents occurred when she was driving the DCs which set the alarm bells ringing. Then she drove our DCs plus my niece & nephew of same age to a local town to the cinema. She drove down a one way street the wrong way into 3 lanes of oncoming traffic Shock and was thankfully stopped by the police. She has lived in this town for the whole of her life and it’s always been a one way street... There was another incident on the way back with random slamming on of brakes too. My DCs were petrified when they were dropped back and said they didn’t want to be driven by her. It was awkward for a while as we didn’t want to upset her but eventually my DH just told her. She was upset but has got over it now. Apparently my DHs brothers are still happy to let their kids be driven by MIL but that’s up to them.

Don’t risk it - it’s not worth it.

Jinglebells99 · 01/04/2018 11:02

It’s not just able your children though is it?! What if she falls asleep driving and kills someone? A pedestrian or other driver? Someone else’s child? Report her. Also the mother in law driving on a provisional licence that someone else mentioned.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 11:08

She is the type to get hurt and cause issues fairly easily

Yah well, better her feelings hurt than your children dead because she fell asleep at the wheel.

GabsAlot · 01/04/2018 11:20

would you rather hurt her feeling or her hurt uyour children

quietlife thats disgusting someone should tell the police if shes driving round illegally

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 11:23

There is no argument here.
Morphine carries a driving warning on the label. She already nods off at sporadic times, and has already had a near miss!

Never mind having DCs in the car, if I knew who your DM was, I'd report her to the DVLA myself now.

Appuskidu · 01/04/2018 11:31

My mil has been driving (illegally) for over 25 years on a provisional driving licence.

OMG-this really shocked me! I didn’t know people did this? How have you/they not challenged her about it? Or I suppose you have but she doesn’t care?! What does she say about it? Has she taken tests and failed and stopped bothering? Does she have insurance at all?!

moofolk · 01/04/2018 11:48

My mum got upset with me for saying she could only take my DCs in her car if she wore her glasses.

She was offended but did it eventually. She doesn't wear them all the time and thought I was being overly fussy even though her terrible eyesight and reticence to wear glasses are standing jokes in the family.

brummiesue · 01/04/2018 11:54

My mil is an appalling driver without any alcohol or medication involvement. She knows she can't drive my children and luckily it's turned into a bit of a joke. Your mil will get over it, better than the alternative!

ohfortuna · 01/04/2018 11:57

I see this such a lot
older people who prioritise their right to drive above other people's right to be safe from people who shouldn't be driving 🤤

RandomWordsandaNumber5 · 01/04/2018 12:00

Please don’t minimise the risks in this situation.

I was recently in a serious accident caused by a driver ahead of me falling asleep at the wheel. My passenger and I were both seriously injured, my car was written off and I am still dealing with the effects of the impact.

I don’t think that the driver responsible set out to cause an accident but the fact is that a choice was made to get behind the wheel with apparently little thought for the consequences.
It really isn’t worth it.

pigsDOfly · 01/04/2018 12:00

Well it's a simple toss up between your DM getting offended or hurt or whatever and you DC possibly getting badly injured or even killed if she's nodding off.

There's no contest. You need to tell her. You don't have to be nasty about it - from your post I doubt you would - but you do need to tell her.

I'm not sure she should be in charge of a child all day either apart from the driving.

ohfortuna · 01/04/2018 12:09

As for her to tell her perhaps you could emphasize that you feel very anxious that she might fall asleep whilst driving or whatever, so that sort of shift the blame from her bad driving to your not being able to cope with the anxiety.

Then again maybe you should just be upfront and say I'm sorry Mum I don't think you should be driving I'm not prepared to put my children at risk.
It can be very difficult to stand up to our parents even when we are adults

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