The man who ate himself to death...

[StormcloakNord]

I'm in the middle of the Netflix programme The Man Who Ate Himself to Death.

It's seriously bothering me that nobody on this programme, on the internet and anywhere has acknowledged that his wife had the biggest hand in his death?! Am I crazy for thinking this?

He physically couldn't do anything for himself, couldn't get out of bed or even stand up... if she fed him nothing but salad and low calorie foods three times a day he'd have no option but to eat it and lose weight.

However, he's now unfortunately dead, but nobody has acknowledged her part in this?!

AIBU?!

Not inclined to watch that, but it seems she took the stance that her husband in charge, and she was too weak to decline him.

Some ideas on the phenomenon in this article: scarysymptoms.com/2014/09/why-do-spouses-of-bedridden-obese/

The last sentence in that article is what swims through my head.

"She basically murdered him"

It feels a bit like that?!

Its the same with feeders, isn't it. When someone is bedridden, they don't provide the food.

It's not that simple

Look at the obesity levels in children. Who has the hand in that? It's the same

Not see that particular programme, but have seen similar. Yes, I always query why the family are popping out to get KFC or Burger King for the person who is so obese as to be bed bound.
Let them tantrum, but if they can't get out of bed due to their weight, surely that's the perfect opportunity to restrict what they eat?

Yeah, I can never get my head round why someone who cares about a morbidly obese entirely bed bound person continues to feed them shite.
Tbh I think they should be charged with manslaughter or at least neglect.

While I do agree with the concept of what you are saying. The problem is that these are adults and without a mental health issue that could allow others to make decisions for them they are within their rights to eat whatever they want.

It should be as simple as feed them salad and they'll lose weight but I'm not sure it really is.

The problem comes from two issues coming together.

One being the eating disorder and the other being the enabler who gains their self worth from being needed by the food addict.

You remove one of those issues and the remaining one is easier to deal with as there is genuine support from the other person. Put them together and it is a recipe (!) for disaster. I dont think it is right to say "She bascially murdered him". Unless she was putting the food into his mouth and forcing him to swallow it. He chose to eat everything she put in front of him and I think it is unfair to blame her for his death. She didnt stop him killing himself with food, but she didnt kill him. And dont forget, he hasnt always been that big, he ate himself into being bedridden, by which time most of the damage was already done, she didnt create the problem, he did.

It's not that simple

Look at the obesity levels in children. Who has the hand in that? It's the same

With childhood obesity it's exactly that simple because children don't know any better than to eat the food given to them, and they can't make educated decisions that go against what their parents are feeding them/how much they're feeding them.

I agree this woman didn't actually kill her husband, but she certainly enabled him to kill himself.

Her motive/behaviour may well have been down to her own mental health issues, who knows?

I often wonder that with bed bound severely obese people. I saw one gentleman on an American programme whose mother had fed him to that point. She'd lost his older brother before he was born and it was all tied in with her grief/subsequently warped idea of caring for a child.

That was one story. There will be as many stories as there are people. But there will be some common themes and perhaps mental health issues in most cases.

No, she didn't kill him. It was just what was going through my head. He made the choices I think she just enabled him.

I also think childhood obesity is worse, PP. Children can't make informed food choices and eat what they are given by their parents so until the child reaches secondary school age it's entirely the parents fault. I don't think anyone disagrees with that, the reasons behind the warped idea of care or not.

I think there are a lot of mental health issues, on both sides, involved. Not to mention that suddenly cutting his calories, without doctors guidance, would probably kill him faster than feeding him would? (Thinking a massive heart attack during a tantrum).

so until the child reaches secondary school age it'sentirelythe parents fault. I don't think anyone disagrees with that,

I disagree! I was an overweight child. My mother cooked extremely healthy food. My brother wasn't interested in eating anything in addition to our meals and stated slim. I on the other hand just loved eating. At school dinners I looked round the table for people who couldn't finish their pudding and were offering it round. Every bit of pocket money went on chocolate. After dinner I sneaked back into the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers I could pop in my mouth. There are loads more examples - opportunities to eat that my parents had no control over. From my experience, and that of friends with overweight children I'd say it's a complete myth that the parents are totally to blame. It assumes that children are completely passive in the process but they're not. They play a huge role in determining their food intake, in ways which parents cannot control.

I read the title soooo wrong. I was imagining which of his own body part would he start to eat first!

I think it is much more complex than simply “don’t give them the foods” especially when it gets to that point. I think part of the problem is it gets to the point where the only way you can make them happy and therefore show your love is through providing the food as wrong as that is.

It’s a horribly sad situation really

It's hard to say no to people you love (or even just like or respect), even if what they want you to give them is not good for them. That dynamic doesn't suddenly change just because someone is incapacitated.

It isn’t as simple as you make it out to be, there must have been a dynamic at play which informed a lot of their behaviours.

Didn't see that one but have previously seen this more than once on TV - people so hugely fat that they can't get out of bed or wipe their own arses, and family still bringing them cartwheel sized pizzas, etc.
Inexplicable - except that they just want to keep them 'happy'.

I dare say there's some psychological term for such misguided 'caring'.

I have often thought the same at similar programmes :(

There was one guy who had an arrangement with all the local takeaways and they would actually deliver to his bedside.

I wonder how they afford the food, as they obviously can't work - it must cost a fortune.

I think it is much more complex than simply “don’t give them the foods” especially when it gets to that point.

Surely it must be hard to morally justify "starving" a bedridden adult, which is what cutting down their calories from 30,000 a day to 2,000 would undoubtedly feel like to someone in this position. At what point would they be able to claim abuse by their spouse/family member?

I’ve read stories on here about people who don’t realise they are being abused, often for years, as the abuse they experience is so insidious.

I imagine these situations are sometimes similar. Enablers don’t always realise they are being emotionally abused, until it is too late.

There is a woman in my road who is so big she can no longer leave the house and there is a special extra wide doorway currently being built so if she needs to get out for medical reasons, they won't have to knock down a wall. This woman has carers 4 times a day, and the carers are the ones bringing her the food! She is bedbound most of the time and these carers are the ones enabling her to eat what she does. That makes no sense to me. This woman will literally have to be cut out of her house if there is a problem before the building work is completed. Surely the carers can say no to the masses of food she asks for?! They are supposed to look after her health!

From my experience, and that of friends with overweight children I'd say it's a complete myth that the parents are totally to blame. It assumes that children are completely passive in the process but they're not. They play a huge role in determining their food intake, in ways which parents cannot control.

Their parents have eyes though and can see their children are gaining too much weight. That's the time to do something about it, not to be dismissing it as puppy fat or expecting 2 P.E lessons and a growth spurt to take care of it for them.

It may be easier to 'blame' the child but as the adult responsible for the child's welfare, it's not right imo.