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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please give advice

57 replies

SebsCat · 31/03/2018 19:09

Hi, I've name changed recently but used to post as AmIU, I've posted a bit about my DH's violence in the past. He sought psychiatric help and stopped for 2 years but he's hit me again tonight and I want to leave.

He's gone out for a bit and I really need some answers

Please help me:

  • can I drive the family car? It's registered in his name but I'm fully insured on it and have sole use as he doesn't drive
  • can I get any hotel without a credit or debit card? I know my card number to pay online but don't have access to the actual card
  • can I get any help from the police if I don't press charges? I have 2 DC (2 and 5) and we live in a flat, I'm worried about physically leaving. He's not back at work till Tuesday. He's on a visa and I'm worried about it getting revoked if I involve the police
  • what should I pack?'im going to pack quickly and hide the bag in the car whilst he's out.
  • can I get any benefits/ child maintenance if we're separated not divorced?
  • can I leave personal info with anyone in zone 3 se London? I don't have any family in the country or friends I can tell, I'm worried if anything happens to us

I've tried the DV helpline but it keeps going to voicemail.

OP posts:
HappyGirl86 · 31/03/2018 19:32

.....I've just read you have children. Ring the local authority emergency duty team. Social services.
They have a duty to house the children (with you) please do this.

NameChangeTimeNow · 31/03/2018 19:36

Bumping this for you OP Flowers

Janicejanet · 31/03/2018 19:41

Police. Your safety is more important than this man's visa. Don't forget to pack your phone charger if you are going to a hotel.

Cookiefiend · 31/03/2018 19:59

Hang on though- you will be able to pay for a hotel in advance no problem, but how will you pay for anything else without the card? Try and get together as much cash as you can and as soon as you can report your card stolen (if he has it) go into brach with your ID and arrange for a new card to be delivered to the branch. It may take a few days to get a new one, but if you have id and your bank details they should give you cash if you explain.

Are you in danger tonight? If so call the police. Don't worry about the visa, your safety is more important. Good luck.

Psychobabble123 · 31/03/2018 20:02

Lots of banks will let ypu get emergency cash from a cash point without a card. I know Natwest is up to £300 if you have the mobile banking app. If your bank does the same get cash on the way so you can buy food etc.

Original poster
SebsCat · 01/04/2018 00:15

I didn't leave. I'm sorry for being so pathetic. He's hurt my ankle and my wrist. Lying in DDs room unable to sleep. He started tearing off my clothes and I finally fought back. Sent me a recording of me fighting back before he went to bed. So now he has proof and I have nothing at all. I'm so scared of tomorrow.

OP posts:
NameChangeTimeNow · 01/04/2018 00:18

Flowers for you OP. I’m so sorry. Please please contact Women Aid Flowers

Jon66 · 01/04/2018 00:23

For you and your children's safety you need to leave. Thinking of you

Tatiannatomasina · 01/04/2018 00:26

Ring the police. They will help you

PrettyLittIeThing · 01/04/2018 00:37

Hey I'm in SE london you can pm me if you need. I really think you should report it. The police will take you seriously don't worry about evidence. Flowers

nocoolnamesleft · 01/04/2018 03:25

That you are injured IS evidence.

kentgirl1 · 01/04/2018 03:32

Please phone the police. Your child's safety could be at risk too.

Daifuku9 · 01/04/2018 03:36

Your ripped clothing and injuries are proof. I would think his history combined with your injuries and a video showing you fighting back would help them believe you.

Please get help now, for your children and you. If he goes out again and you book things, don’t forget to delete it in your browsing history and delete anything printed from printing history.

TammyWhyNot · 01/04/2018 04:53

SebsCat, you really aren’t pathetic.

Take pictures of your wrist and ankle.

You are being abused, physically, emotionally and financially.

Hopefully you can speak with Women’s Aid soon, and definitely talk to tne police. It isn’t easy, but once you have someone like that on your side it will be much easier.

Uniglo18 · 01/04/2018 05:04

If he sent you a video of you fighting back then you call the police and show them that video. If he has mental health issues then hopefully that video will show he is still a danger to you. Call the police on the none emergency number 101 & they will advise you on the next steps and prioritise it as an emergency if necessary.

The power is in your hands now, he has sent you evidence of him attacking you and you defending yourself. This is good for you, now call the police and have him removed from your home.

Don't leave personal identification papers with strangers. Keep it with you and leave copies with the bank, they can hold things in a safe for you at a cost.

Uniglo18 · 01/04/2018 05:08

You can report him online if you're scared he'll over hear you. Details in the link below.

www.police.uk/contact/

Psychobabble123 · 01/04/2018 06:41

Oh no OP you aren't pathetic. Your hurt and this man has conditioned you to feel this way.

But you are stronger than you know, because you are a mother and mothers can do amazing things for their babies. You will leave him for yours. You can and you must.

Let the Police help you. Please x

Notallthat · 01/04/2018 09:10

Op I really feel for you, my ex used to hurt himself if I tried to call the police so he could say I'd done it. You need a plan to get out and it may not be an immediate thing, please phone the DV helpline, they can help you. It really helps he's been having help for his issues as there should already be a record of some of his behaviours. Go to your GP Tuesday and get your injuries noted. If you can safely, record any incidents. It doesn't seem like it but you can do this, I got out and despite being charming eventually he slipped up and showed himself for the psycho he is and he cannot come near me or the children. Get everything you can in place and go.

hungryhippo90 · 01/04/2018 09:16

Please report him. Please.
What do you think his intention was once he had ripped your clothes off?
Please report him and have him removed from your home.

Do not give his Visa a second thought, the first should be that if he is sent home you won't have the hassle of keeping your kids safe away from him.

Please please do this for you and your children.

OnTheRise · 01/04/2018 09:36

OP, please call the police. He's hurt you: a video of you fighting back isn't proof that you're in the wrong, it's just proof that there was a physical assault of some kind.

You need to report him so the police can stop him doing this again. Don't worry about how this might affect his visa: he's the one doing the attacking, he'll be the one responsible if he faces problems as a result.

Get you and your children safe and away from this awful man.

Uniglo18 · 01/04/2018 13:00

How are you today op?

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 01/04/2018 13:13

How is today going, OP? Flowers

Daifuku9 · 01/04/2018 15:40

@SebsCat, hope you’re okay. Please let us know.

HappyGirl86 · 01/04/2018 16:21

OP are you ok? Please please get yourself and the children safe. It's not fair for them to see this happening to their mum and you don't deserve this treatment! Even if you did try and fight back. Everyone would try and fight back.

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