To be tired of well meaning people thinking social interaction is that simple...

[springmadness10]

Just having a bad day and feeling fed up. Ds7 is likely HFA definitely has social communication issues, sensory issues and challenging behaviour. He's never really been a child other children are bothered with. Never gets invited to birthday parties, has never been invited to play dates etc despite us hosting ourselves (although people rarely come). He's been totally socially isolated by his behaviour at school. It's all very difficult and we are praying that support / therapeutic services will get involved soon to help us all.

Anyway, well meaning relatives / friends etc say he needs more social interaction and this will 'teach him' how to make friends etc. That would be lovely but HOW!

• parents at school that used to talk to me now won't let alone let their child come over
• no one talks to him at school let alone plays with him
• my so called friends with similar aged children have run a mile now that ds has emerging difficulties. Those times I took their children for emergencies was good enough then but now I'm not even worthy of a glass of wine let alone a helpful play date.
• he's an only child with no cousins
• when I take him to groups/activities, other children laugh at him amongst themselves
• he does a few activities which are in isolation but within a group - he's good but no one talks to him and if he tries, they move away from him
• when we go to the park etc he's invisible. People look at him like they can sense special needs and move away.

He constantly says he's lonely and left out and we role play how to join in, I've taught him good manners and strategies for better communication (which at 7 often doesn't stick yet but he's trying). He's funny and lovely but is different and can really struggle when he gets anxious.

Aibu to think I am trying to give him social exposure but it's not that easy when no one wants to meet you half way.

Absolutely.

What they really mean is "I can't be arsed to understand what autism really means, or what struggles he or you have; I just want you to fix it so I don't have to give it any thought whatsoever, and it's easier to think that you're just being a terrible parent than to acknowledge I'm demanding he do the equivalent of me flying to the moon."

I feel for you

Do you have any groups nearby for children with social communication issues? Some local authorities and community groups run them. It might be helpful for you to meet other parents facing the same issues too?

Hmmm, I've been the social interaction for a friend's kids. I've been round for tea with them, had playdates etc. To be honest, I think they've had a more rounded social life than I did at their age!

If you have well meaning friends and relatives, rope them in, especially if any of them are autistic or childlike. I love being able to unleash my inner child without having to also be the boring supervising adult.

On another note, I was extremely socially isolated at school (no-one would even sit next to me for fear of catching my "germs" !), and I've turned out fine. It's not a death sentence.

YANBU.

People who are super outgoing and extrovert are sometimes annoying and fucking pushy!

They don't GET how some people are happy and secure in their own company, how they hate visitors, how they hate speaking publicly, and how they hate socialising a lot.

When they say they are insecure and angsty, they get told to 'get over themselves.'

Rude.

I am sorry for what you and your son are going through OP, and although I have no advice, I am sure someone will come along soon with some good, sound advice...

Yes - meant to say that. I have taken him to Asperger groups but again doesn't really fit, only because the children were either much older or much younger and nobody really noticed him!

That is exactly what it's like actually - do x, y, z because that's what normal children do and they learn to make friends so just do the same and then we won't have to think about the difficult, uncomfortable stuff anymore.

It's worse really that he's quite outgoing and wants to be social but just gets it wrong all the time and crushed by everyone laughing at him or ignoring him or him being told off for getting it wrong. He just wants people to play with really. It would be so much easier if he was quiet and introverted and wanted to stay at home!

How does he get on with younger children? I found having friends with younger children was a life saver at times with my eldest.

Where's he at with his assessment?

My children joined Beavers at 7 and their group is very inclusive, there was always time and kindness shown to the children. It didn’t matter what difficulties a child had, and there were many different types of difficulties, they were always made to feel welcome.?You could always ask to try a few groups before committing to join to see if any group suited your child. I hope something like that could be helpful to your child. I wish you both the very best for the future.

It got better for my kids when they when to secondary school. As a bigger group kids so they found mates they like the same things . They mild ASD and can talk to other that share their passions. Have thought of places like warhammer shop . Board game places/ cafes local/ main library clubs

Thank you all for your kindness, it means a lot actually.

He did join a beavers type group but left after a few months as again, children often laughed at him or actively wound him up to see what would happen. The group leaders weren't the most organised so actually a different group might be better. He does a sport group where the leader is so accommodating and he is excelling there but it's not one that is particularly social so he doesn't have to cope with that aspect as much.

Younger children are ok. He's probably better with older children as his interests are older but they aren't overly bothered with him!

Have you googled services for ASD or autism in your area? The reason I ask if Ive just done that for my 12 yr old recently diagnosed. There is just so much stuff for younger children, including weekend and after school social sessions. You’ll need to push for it though, but please do. I was in your exact position and it’s heartbreaking. I hope you find something.

An after school group where he will find like minded children.
Chess , computer club , maths club ?

Maths / chess / computer club is exactly what he needs really - can't find anything for his age though. All starts at 8/9 it seems but will keep looking! He's very early on in the diagnosis and having a really bad time at school, will possibly be permanently excluded soon which makes accessing clubs really tricky as he's not allowed to do anything through school.

Give a different Beavers group a go? My oldest tried initially tried it and didn’t get on with it but tried a different group 6 months later. Move on 10 yrs and he’s still there, now as a young leader. My Dd (also ASD) goes too. She has social skills groups at school but can’t seem to generalise what she’s learnt to the playground so is often on her own. It’s hard when you see every girl in the class going to an after school party except yours. She’s taken up different lunchtime clubs so she’s less on her own at lunchtimes and that seems to be helping

Also I read an interesting article on the BBC news regarding exclusion from primary school. Hope things don’t go that far for you, but it was positive and might be worth a read
www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-43143631?SThisFB

The BBC article was really interesting and inspiring, well worth reading.Thanks scrunch

No answers , I'm so sorry, but huge love to you both

That's very sad. Children can be cruel. What is it he's doing that makes them not want to play with him? Is it something you could work on?

Do you have family friends with children who can come over to play?

It might be worth having a look at home ed groups in your area- many parents of children with HFA home educate, and there tend to be lots of events designed to be inclusive and with close parental supervision so less chance of things going awry.

Does your son have access to any speech and language therapy? If not, please do seek a referral, usually through his school. They can support him, school staff and you to develop his social interaction skills.

For example, school could possibly set up a lego therapy group with SLT support (if this would interest your son). Children are supported to work together to build a model with Lego. They are each given a specific role (builder- who puts the pieces together, engineer- who gives the instructions on how to put the bricks together, and supplier- who finds the bricks needed). They need each person to participate in order to complete the task. It's a very structured activity but can help build confidence and help children to develop their social interaction skills in a supportive environment.

You can use the same approach with different materials, e.g. cooking.

I've read that article recently and it does give me hope that if he's permanently excluded, there may be a positive outcome. I'm sad for him that it may come to that.

He has lots of different social quirks I guess. We've tried to help him develop them but it's so difficult as it's intrinsically who he is. Mainly he becomes very anxious and controlling out of his comfort zone and can lash out in panic (hence the pending exclusion). This means children don't want anything to do with him - it's understandable and I don't blame them. I'm just fed up of people telling me he'll get better if I just organised a few more play dates for him....

SLT is on our pending list along with every other service in the nhs. Waiting months and not one agency is involved with him yet. So much damage will have been done.

Onestep - all my family friends are avoiding us now that he has emerging needs. They probably all think it's catching or something....more likely it's too uncomfortable and difficult and would rather cut us off than endure it.