Presents for Nieces and Nephews

[DontMentionTheWar]

I recently had a discussion with MIL about phasing out Easter eggs now that my nieces/nephews are mid/late teens early twenties. MIL asked me to give nephew a fiver so as not to upset sister-in-law as we haven't given the 'children' money when they went on holiday over the years and we had been compared unfavourably to BIL's family who do. We give £40/£50 presents for normal birthdays and Christmases, £100 for big birthdays and other treats such as £20 on passing exams. Pretty sure BIL's family don't give as much overall. AWBU to think we give enough?

OMG - other people don't dictate what you should choose to give to ADULTS! You keep referring to them as kids, but they're not. This is ridiculous. (As is giving anyone over the age of 12 an Easter egg, tbh....)

I find other family members can be very opinionated on these matters especially if you have, or are even just perceived to have, more money. I suspect Dont that there's an element of well you'd think they'd want to spoil the dns given they don't have dc themselves.

I have 2dc of my own as well as 8 dns. We buy for the dns at birthdays and Christmas but they'd only get an Easter egg if we happen to see them then. I definitely get the impression that there's a feeling we should be giving more than we do. The best advice I could give is to stop caring what anyone else might think. Decide what you are prepared to spend and which "occasions" you'll do gifts and then stick with that. I've always been clear that birthday/Christmas presents will stop once each reaches 18. I love them all and it's not that I mind buying gifts but I don't intend to buy indefinitely for 8 adults so to me 18 is a reasonable cut off point.

My DC have many aunts and uncles on both sides as DH and I are from big families. They've never had holiday money and usually nothing for easter. They get birthday money or gifts from some, Christmas money or gifts from a few more but they appreciate anything that they receive and don't differentiate in their thoughts of the aunts/uncles based on what they've been given.

It ranges from £30 to £5 to nothing to give you a bit of an idea.

I think you are already very generous and kind. If you don't think the DC themselves appreciate it then I would stop completely. If it's the parents/mil that are the problem then carry on until you want to stop. No-one should ever feel obliged to give a gift imo.

What a crazy set up.
Older teens and adults in thier 20s dont need eggs and expensive presents!
Why are you giving them Easter presents at thier ages?

You made a rod for your own back. I suspect as you dont have kids they all look at you as the ones with cash to spare and they are quite hapoy to take but not give you a thank you never mind even once a decent present back.

I would stop all presents at 16 or less and no eggs over 12 and sod the ungrateful, grabby lot of them.

My kids get 'holiday money ' off gps thats all. Why would anyone else fund my kids holidays?

You sound way too nice and way too generous. ☺️ Why don’t you tell your husband to deal with them in future.

It’s really normal to stop giving gifts when kids reach either 18 or so. My parents are give to their grandchildren until they are 21. Everyone knows and thinks it’s a great idea.

I don't treat all my nephews and nieces equally either. They range from 40 with their own DC right down to 14. DH and I have 10 great nephews and nieces now. I mostly treat them the same but I do have a particular favourite (and he is on DHs side rather than mine) He is a lovely little boy (age 9), always comes for a hug, writes out a lovely thank you card and he doesn't have a dad in the picture. He so reminds me of my own DSs and has similar interests to them. I guess we have bonded more than we have with all the others. His grandparents, DHs brother and his wife have also always been very generous to our DC and they would have been their guardians if anything had happened to us. We tend to buy him a little extra.

Op, we are close to DHs sister. We each have 2 kids, all 14-15mths apart, with her eldest being 21, my youngest almost 18.

We give £25 for birthdays and xmas, a little more at 18th (£50 I think I gave) and £100 for 21st. Nothing for holidays or exams. I think we will carry on with normal birthdays and xmas till each is settled in a job.

SIL did send mine for Easter a couple of years in a row, early teens, so we reciprocated. Not sure why she started then as we hadn't done easter beforehand (dont live close and dont usually see around Easter) and haven't done anything since.

We also exchanged Easter gifts with DSs godparents and their son for a few years, but that has dropped off as the kids have got older.

The only person I now send anything to at Easter is my cousin's 8yo DGS. My mum used to have one of my DC to stay for a week at Easter, the other in summer. She always took them to see my cousin, who would have Eggs for them at Easter, so I feel I am paying back that kindness now. I sent him a card and some money this week. I will probably stop in early teens.

My two have an envelope off PIL, which will be some cash, and that is it (well apart from what we give them and whatever the bunny brings!). My parents are no longer with us and DB and I are low contact, so haven't exchanged any presents with his family for years (his choice originally). They don't expect anything off other relatives now they are older.

I think you have been very kind up to now, and would agree with you, maybe just send youngest an Egg or some money, but stop eldest. And DO NOT give holiday money. Mine have never had that, except maybe if we have seen GPs just before a holiday. Certainly never off auntie or uncle!

In terms of buying youngest bot not others, my 20yo DS has obviously had less xmas/bday presents than DD in last couple of years, as some relatives/friends have stopped at 18. It hasn't bothered him in the slightest.

Sorry, do they get 20 quid for every exam they pass, or for finals as a whole? Because if it is 20 for each, I can see how that would get expensive fast.

I don't even tell people when my DC pass exams other than a vague, "yes they've done very well", if someone asked. That's my DCs business. And yes, they do do really well and DH and I reward that generously. I don't expect anyone else to and I don't do it the other way round. If I happened to be visiting and a DC came in and announced something that just happened e.g. got Star Pupil at school or passed a swimming level or something, I might give them a few quid but that would be random and rare.

I don't have any dn as my sister died and sil doesn't have kids. But I don't expect presents from them, they usually do Christmas, sometimes birthday or a random present if they come over. I'd never expect anywhere near as much as you generously give. I get my kids to either say thank you in person or if they don't see them then a thank you note. (I write them as they are 1,3 and 5 but when they get older I'll be telling them ifhey don't write one then to not expect another present as why would someone buy presents if the recepient isn't grateful).
Ignore what anyone else expects

Thanks everyone for describing what is normal in your families as it does help give perspective. For what it’s worth, we are not
incredibly wealthy, we do ok but BIL & SIL are richer than us.

We also spend about £100 on MIL. She is generous to us but I’d rather just not swap presents at all as I’ve spent years giving her thoughtful presents and sometimes she has moaned about them which really annoys me. She always gives money in return but likes gifts herself. This year I said to DH that I am not doing presents anymore as I have just run out of ideas so could he sort out Mother’s Day. He bought her some lovely and fairly expensive flowers. She phoned the next day and said we’d been ‘done’ as they were dying so we took them back and got a refund but my pet’s been really ill this week so I haven’t got around to choosing anything else yet and DH has been flat out with work. She complained yesterday that she hadn’t got anything for Mother’s Day. In my family if you behaved like that you’d get nothing else so I find it hard to get my head around.

Bloody hell she's got a cheek! She's actually begging money off you?

Get your DH to deal with her, ignore her.

DH will be dealing with her from now on but I’m actually just going to say I don’t want to swap presents at all with adults and will stop sending the nieces/nephews presents at 21. It’s the hassle of it not the money - she is generous herself - I’d rather not have anything and not have to spend ages sourcing presents. I have a chronic illness and am trying to wind things like this down and, after 20 years, I think I’ve done my bit really.

Just read your update. She's so greedy! And ungrateful.

Don't get her anything else, not your mother, not your dead flowers.

I stopped doing the gifts for the ILs after many many years of complaints and greed. I LOVED CHRISTMAS after that. Instead of the panic and guilt and orders, I shopped for people I loved and had champagne when I'd finished.

As buying for the ILs was now up to DH... He bought gift tokens on Christmas Eve the first year, gift tokens Christmas Eve the second year, and, as he got so many complaints via MIL (and nothing in return from his siblings anyway) he hasn't bothered since.

Each person responsible for their own relatives. Sorted.

She has probably realised DH got the flowers and is trying to manipulate OP into buying gifts again.

Well done OP in your decision, although I think 18 is the she to stop.

*the age

That sounds like heaven Frasier.

I suspect that DH’s Christmas buying for them will be similar! He buys me nice presents but I very much doubt he’ll faff about like I have with other family presents.

Actually, I think you might be right Lacucuracha. Well, as people sometimes do, she pushed too far this time and it has backfired. I am out of present buying. Phew!