AIBU to worry about “disconnect” with my almost 8 yr old

[sillyofthevalley]

As the title suggests, my DD is almost 8. I am finding her increasingly harder to “connect” with.... and I feel awful! She’s a hot mess of emotions and drama and all things which I am sure are totally normal for her age but I have no strategy to deal with it. I’ve tried patience and hugs and chats and I’ve tried being firm but fair- nothing is working! I’m lost and feel I’m not meeting her emotional needs on one hand, yet on the other I’m convinced she’s using drama and emotional outbursts to manipulate me into eg blaming her little brother (or me) for anything that is “wrong”. When I try and reason with her she acts out like a toddler- throwing herself on the floor and stamping her feet.... it’s a vicious circle of my patience being pushed to the limit and then me feeling bad because I just don’t know if this is normal- I wish there was a “Mums and 5-10year olds” local group I could join! I’m finding myself feeling disconnected as i just don’t know how to handle it!

No words of advice but I am going through exactly the same with my 8yr old DS. It's so hard. His emotions seems to flick like a switch. I try the softly softly approach then try and be strict, both met with the same thing - acting out, slamming doors, shouting. I have also tried to ignore him and just let him get it out of his system but then I worry about not engaging with him and how that will affect him. I actually burst into tears the other day when a school mum friend asked how I was. I just want to be there for him but he seems so wrapped up in it and I feel a bit helpless.

Sounds normal to me.
One of the exhausting things about parenting older children, I think, is the constant re-setting that’s required.
It really doesn’t help to hold any kind of grudge so you have to respond to their difficult mood which is draining; then when they skip downstairs 20 minutes later full of the joys of spring you have to deal with that.
They are grateful in the end if you try to keep up. Mine are 20, 18, 13 and 10 and the older 2 are broadly appreciative of my efforts though it was a long time coming.

No help but lots of sympathy with dd.

I am so appreciative of the replies. I guess I’m still stuck in the mode of her being a tiny person and of the mindset that “you should never let a baby cry” yet I know that that can’t be an appropriate response forever. It is exhausting. It’s knowing where to draw the line and expect a bit of “self regulation” on her part or if it needs to be me who continues to try and resolve it for her. It’s horrible giving hugs when inside I am feeling resentment because I feel she has worn me down to submission.

Babies/toddlers seem so much simpler right now!

It’s helpful I’m not alone in feeling bindsided by this age though.

This too shall pass- right?

I'm another one that thinks it's normal, had it all week with my 8 year old ds. It's awful as I freak out that I'm failing this motherhood thing but in honestly it's a difficult age. They're no longer an adorable toddler who can't do no wrong, we have expectations and tbh it's an annoying age. I don't think it's an age you feel lovey dicey towards them like the early years tbh, less cute and more hard work. That said before anyone flames me I love my DS to bits, just sometimes he drives me mad. Long gone are the endearing early years eh, I've been told it only gets worse for the teen years...

Don't expect too much of yourself op, you don't see parents cooing over their adult children like we do babies, I think all parents go through stages of not enjoying their kids and feeling close tbh.

mamalovebird we sound like we are living the same script- I worry that somehow I’m not handing it sensitively enough and I’m setting her up for a lifetime of therapy and a shit relationship with me if I don’t handle this age right! Can’t do right for doing wrong!

When i have felt like this with mine I try to up the hugs - actively add in an extra one before & after meals etc.

Also the love language thing is worth a think.

A bit of love bombing too.

I think it's especially hard when you have a smaller one who is easier to love at that moment. Love bomb? Or just 121 time?

is also good

Momo18 thank you. I think you’re right. It’s a whole different ball game at this age but where are the guide books etc?! Unchartered territory and constant “wtf is wrong with her/me” is pecking my head!

waddlelikeapenguin I agree and I try the one on one and the hugs but sometimes I genuinely feel like I have nothing left to give - physically and emotionally. I feel she needs to recognise and learn that I (and others) need a bit of down time and can’t be 100% at her disposal but then I feel like I’m
pushing her away and im constantly questioning my ability to parent as a result. Motherhood is such a mindfuck and in more ways than I imagined even 2 years ago!

waddlelikeapenguin can you expand on the “love language” you refer to... is that a technique or just telling them you love them??

I'm exactly the same, anxious I will mentally damage my DS. Doubt it though! I'm trying to recognise now that I will make mistakes, all parents do. But if I continue to be there in every way possible, then I'm enough. All's a child wants to know is that basically, they don't need perfection.

Dd seems to react better to controlled love bombing, so when she stropped off today after I gave out (with good reason), I left her for about 5 minutes to stew. Then I went up and talked to at her for a minute to explain why I was cross and acknowledge why I understood she was sad. I offered a hug (she refused) then I went away for 2 mins, which we had previously agreed as a check-in time. After the two minutes she was ready for a hug and a chat. Then she wanted to play with my phone while I cooked dinner. I caved.
it's been a long week.

these are brilliant, from the Scope charity

My dd has been like this on and off since she was a toddler, it’s just her personality! I have been fairly consistent that it’s ok to get cross, it’s ok to yell and strop about but there are lines she cannot cross (hitting, swearing) that will result in removal of things like staying up late. Once she has had her tantrum she has got much better at calming herself down and apologising. When she is in it there is nothing anyone can do to calm her. Afterwards we always have a hug, I make sure to tell her I love her and we talk about what might be bothering her. Will then repeat that with snuggles at bedtime.
It’s so hard! But I think that for my dd in particular she has the tantrums with me because she knows she is secure and loved without question. There are days when I am just exhausted from it all though, and I don’t always behave with the most patience.
The days when I feel like it goes better are those when I put on an almost unreal aura of calmness..it’s almosy like I’m playing a part or slightly removed from myself! I know that sounds odd but I find it really helps if I remain calm and not reacting to her emotionally.
Good luck!

It's definitely made harder by having a little one as waddlelikeapenguin says. They just take over and I know he feels left out a bit.

Last night, prime example... my DM is visiting for Easter and he wanted to show her this marble run contraption he'd built at school but little DD took over, playing the cute card and dragged DM off to read her stories, leaving DS feeling totally dejected that he lashed out. Not knowing what DD had done, I then reprimanded him for lashing out. DH went to talk to him and then I felt awful when he told me what really happened.

I made sure he got first cuddles this morning and have apologised to him for reading the situation wrong.

But then he'll flip at the slightest thing, like the other night he wanted to sit in the front of the car and I said he should sit in the back, so he started ranting at me in the street. It's so hard to keep cool. It's a bloody minefield. It totally blindsides you.

When I spoke to my friend, who has 3 boys (11, 6 & 1) she advised me to not take it personally, let them get it off their chest but have lines that they know aren't crossable and stand firm with your expectations on them, giving clear consequences if they do cross them.

I know DS is good kid because he is good at school and top set. The teachers all tell me he is joy to teach, really engaged, enthusiastic, lots of friends etc etc so I know he can hold it together when he needs to. I suppose I should be happy he feels he can express himself so.... errr.... freely at home, so he must feel secure enough to do so. Bloody kids eh!

My 8 year old is a terror at the moment, so I'm pleased to read that's it's not just my kid, but the age....

My dd3 whose 7 is exactly the same, she is a ball of defiance, moodiness, drama, crying and getting stroppy and rude if she doesn't get her own way.

Driving me bloody mad at the moment

It does seem to me that a lot of 8-9yo girls do seem to have a bit of a pre-adolescent emotional patch. Last year DD (9) was complaining that she felt her emotions were all over the place and that she felt this sense of dread she couldn't put her finger on etc. She was mostly displaying the effects of this at school through breaking down when she felt she couldn't do something, so we didn't see it so much at home, but she did talk to us about it.

Have you talked with school about how she is? DD did a little course with a TA about managing her feelings and improving her confidence and it seems really to have improved things, so maybe school could help?

Thanks so much for this thread OP, my DD is exactly the same age, and exactly the same. Just marking place as there is lots of good advice (and reassurance) here.

Also, have you had a look "How to talk so kids listen" ?

7/8 years of age is a tricky time I found too. I had to up my game. I think it passes again as they realise they will be going to secondary school and there will be kids much much bigger than them! This too shall pass, mine is 28 now and adorable!

When we were in that negative cycle at that age, I did the love bombing and even though the hugs were shrugged off I just did quick ones with "You might not need a hug but I do". Lots of love yous and you're the most special little girl in the whole world etc. Fake it till you make it if you have to.

I also gave her special privileges that her younger sibling couldn't do, as "You're so grown up now and he's still too young"
A lot of it did boil down to sibling jealousy.

It really worked and we have a great relationship now.

In fact one of the best special privilege that she still remembers years later and had a huge impact, was letting her sit in the front of my car because she was "old enough now". Her sibling wasn't allowed to do it until he was the same age. It made a massive difference and because it was a regular occurrence, often reinforced her self worth and importance over the brother she was jealous of.

@sillyofthevalley
The love languages thing is about how we feel appreciated some peole like compliments, some time, some acts of service, some gifts & i cant remember the other! Helpful if your child appreciates something that you dont & therefore you arent likely to use.
www.busykidshappymom.org/five-love-languages-printable-mom-guide/

I think the other thing about this age which hasnt been mentioned is how they feel both very grown up & very young all at once. Just expressing that to mine was helpful (as i remembered the feeling). And when they let you (& in private!) "babying" them is really good.

Fwiw it gets better/easier again before it gets worse

I feel for you but I am also relieved to was this. My 8 year old DD is horribly moody and we have been panicking about her. She has a cute, very clever and manipulative little sister and what you are all saying about the sibling thing makes sense, Glad to know we are not alone and appreciate all the tips and advice.