Dog

[UtterlyRainbowed]

Who is being unreasonable? Please decide:

Person A and Person B are in a relationship.

Person A has a dog.

Person B has two children - 11 months and 4.

Person strokes and plays with the dog, gives the dog food, has offered to take the dog on walks and agreed to go on a camping (compromised on a pod not a tent) holiday with A, the children and the dog.

Person A feels that while B likes the dog B isn't that bothered about it and is over protective of their children around the dog as B will often move the youngest away from the dog and tell the oldest to be careful. B says that's just parenting as the dog isn't a huge fan of A's nephew. A says the dog is completely safe and it is the nephew who doesn't like dogs.

Who is unreasonable? I will say who I am after a few responses. Thank you

Do you moan at him for not loving your children enough Utterly ?

Few parents would expect or even want a fairly new partner to love their children like a parent. You expect the partner to treat the children kindly and respect how much you love them. It's equally weird to expect someone else to love your dog. Dog owners with sense expect others who care about them to treat the dog kindly and respect that owner loves dog, but nobody with a grain of sense, empathy or intelligence would moan at someone else for not loving their dog enough.

It's weird.

I've mentioned the camping thing because everything revolves around the dog. He won't leave the dog at home alone

If the camping is for the benefit of the children, I'd find somebody else to go with. If it is because 'you' enjoy it, I'd still find somebody else to go with. Camping with a dog is a bit full on, you won't really be able to avoid it. If the camping is for the benefit of your partner or the dog I'd leave them to it.

Many years ago we thought that our much loved spaniel was " safe" around children until he bit our 8 year old daughter (bite required medical treatment & was unprovoked). We couldn't rehome him & he had to be pts. It just isn't worth the risk for the child or the dog.
Saying someone dosent love your dog enough is just ridiculous! Why should they?

Well he sounds really silly. You are actually being fairer to the dog than he is too, by ensuring a situation doesn't occur where the dog gets annoyed by the kids and the potential outcomes of that. I wouldn't tolerate him telling me anything about how I was parenting tbh.

B is right - it's simply good parenting. I have cats who are like my "babies", and I still monitor toddler DNephew carefully around them for his sake and theirs - he may injure or stress them out, and while they're softies they are also animals and will scratch or bite if pushed too far. Plus they like to share his food, or wash his face after licking their arse.

And you're right to be more wary if the dog already has shown a dislike of another child - it may simply be that the particular child stresses him out, but it's kinder to all not to push things too far.

The only way I'd say he had a point is if you were always hovering, never let DC interact with the dog at all etc. Or if you really do come across as not keen on the dog.
In both cases - fair enough on your part, but it would be unlikely such a relationship would work long-term as Ddog is likely to be a prominent part of a future together for several years at least, I'd imagine?
However it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

My dog is adorable I love him to bits. I can’t imagine him ever biting a child just ever. But when it comes to children I go a bit mad eye moody and am all about ‘constant vigilance’ because he hasn’t been around children that much. So he can’t be trusted. Likewise children can’t be trusted to not do something that he might not like. Like grab a handful of fur. Stick a finger in his eye, up his bum. Stick their hand in his mouth. Small children and dogs simply can’t be trusted. The chance of something happening is so minimal but it’s not worth the risk to not be vigilant.

You can't leave a dog at home alone though.

We holiday with ours (cottage, I can't abide camping and it would be hell with the dogs), because we like them and want to.

Equally, they go to the in laws or to kennels if we want a dog unfriendly weekend away (hotel, city break, visiting my parents).

We accept that if for some reason we couldn't find acceptable dog-care we wouldn't have dog free breaks. Our precious first puppy would not have been left in kennels in her own (possibly in a rather pricy home-boarding kennels with a trusted trainer we know, but it would have been a last resort), DH is more chilled out now we have 2.

If dog free holidays are something you want, and he can't/won't find dog-care, this could be a deal breaker.

No I mean he won't leave the dog at home alone. Ever. Not even for ten minutes. I didn't mean for a holiday - I wouldn't dream of that.

He only thinks I'm over protective with the dog. For the record, I do like the dog a lot :)

Does he work?

Self employed. He takes the dog with him sometimes or leaves him with other family members

You can never be too careful with dogs and young children, no matter the nature of the dog. Even the most good natured dog has the potential to nip a young child. Being careful doesn t mean you don't care for the dog

When the dog bites one of your children, he will blame the child for moving/ sneezing/ smiling in the wrong way and you for not teaching the child -even if it's the 11 month old - to freeze when a dog puts it's teeth around his arm/ leg/ face. That's how it will be phrased. You will be told that the dog was only playing or the child provoked it. He will not blame the dog nor himself. No matter what the circumstances were.

It may be the dog was only playing or the child provoked it - the problem would not have happened your caution had been respected. He won't see it that way. The fault will be yours even though you tried not to be "over protective" around the dog to please him against your instincts.

If you take your bitten child to hospital to be stitched he will hate you, because seeking treatment will put his dog at risk. He'll tell you not to seek treatment or to lie about how it happened. The duty to protect his dog will be on you in his eyes, and the blame on you and your child.

He's not compatible with anyone except someone exactly like himself, without young children. Even then he might expect them to love his dog more than their own and engineer conflict and recriminations.

Person a is being unreasonable but you don't really like the dog do you?

So while the points about the children are silly person a is picking up on something! That's just what I have taken from your posts anyway

I'm confused about the nephew reference!

How old is the dog? Is it destructive if left? Has he even tried to get it used to being left for short periods?

Personally I'd be thinking twice about being in a relationship with this person (and their dog). They sound very blinkered, and I wouldn't be trusting their judgement on how 'safe' their dog is at all after reading the updates.

Won't he leave the dog with relatives while you go camping? If not, you now know your place in the pecking order.

What sort of breed is it, out of interest?

I do like the dog, a lot. I just don't treat him as a third child.

The nephew is older than my child and he has known the dog his whole life. They moved away but he sees the dog every month or so.

I understand what person A is saying because it's their dog so they don't think it will ever hurt any of the children but person B is right because if the dog did do something to the children they will never forgive each other or themselves

I'm still unclear on the nephew thing - you say the dog doesn't like his nephew, he says it's the other way around - what behaviour does the dog show that makes you think it doesn't like the nephew?

Some children are silly about dogs, a friends 5 year old decided she didn't like one of ours despite being fine with her gran's. Dog generally ignores children so nothing to trigger this.

I don't know the details but there were a couple of incidents when the nephew was much younger. The dog either completely ignores him or growls at him until he's moved

A ibu. B has chosen to put children first. Both have a responsibility to the children's safety. Is it their children or Bs children?

Dog ignoring nephew is good, growling is not. Any dog that growls at a child is not 'safe' in my book, unless the child is doing something like pulling their ears or climbing on them, which shouldn't be allowed anyway.

When you say 'until he's moved', until nephew moves away or until the dog is moved away? Moved from where? You need to understand the triggers for the growling if your children are going to be near this dog.