Anyone have a child with autism who gets angry?

[legofansmum]

Hello, DS is 10 and was diagnosed at 3 with Autism. In some ways he's quite high functioning e.g. Excellent at history, maths etc..
However, his social skills are hugely affected. He loves his computer and I do let him on it a lot. It was getting out of hand though and he'd sneak and be in it until midnight or later if he could. Ive implemented an outright 9 pm at the latest time for it to be switched off, regardless of school holidays etc.... When it's switch off time- despite prior warnings etc... all hell can break loose. Horrendous swearing , he can physically attack me, shout, scream etc... it has been going on for over an hour now. I'm accused of hating him, being f the worst mother , you name it he'll say it.
I've tried banning him etc...but it makes no difference. I work in education and have tried 'Restoritive Practice ' techniques- doesn't work 😥 I've tried playing g music to soothe him , no help.
I'm literally at my wits end. An a single parent with no back up. Has anyone found anything that can work please. CYPS don't want to know - despite DS diagnoses and him having had 1:1 at school since he was 3.

The best advice I've had from CAMHS is not to try to engage at all during the meltdown - they just can't process what you're saying so it just fuels it. Really hard, but stay quiet and wait it out.

We're making progress by focusing really heavily on rewarding good behaviour. Anything good (finishing breakfast quickly, coming to take medicine as soon as I ask) merits a piece of pasta in a jar. A full jar will earn a smallish treat (eg a book or fidget toy).

It's so hard, and especially so as a single parent - you just get worn down with it. Push again for a referral - angry autistic children can put themselves and their families at risk and you need support. And remember to take care of yourself.

I would set a limit each evening and maybe use a timer so he can see when it’s up. If there is any aggressive behaviour when it’s time to turn the computer off he loses it the following night.
He will likely go beserk at first but you really need to nip his behaviour in the bud before he’s a teen and more physically threatening than now.
I’m very strict with screen time with my ds because as much as a lot of kids with asd seem to love computers the effect of too much screen time adversely affects behaviour and emotional regulation in typical kids and if your child is struggling with those things already it will massively exacerbate it IMO. I’ve seen horrendous tantrums from my friends nt kids over screen time and I really think excessive use is incredibly bad for children.

I second the timer, it will take time to adjust him to it but it's worth persevering and stick a post-it or something on it reminding him of the consequence. It should work as it's a visual cue rather than hearing a parent nagging

I've a furious 11 year old dd with autism and also a previously furious ds with autism, but he's a lot calmer now. My dd has driven me to tears and despair on many an occasion with behaviours such as you describe. It's been very tough. One thing that worked was giving TONS of warning that they'd need to get off devices or go to bed or whatever thing they didn't want to do. So I would start giving warnings an hour before, then every five or ten minutes till the hour was up and then even more warning, so I would say "ok five minutes now", but let them have ten or fifteen. This really worked for us, they had loads of time to get used to the idea but even as the time for switch off got closer It was all still very relaxed. My dd doesn't do well with set times either. Homework is a trigger here so I will say to her in the morning "home work needs to be done before seven, when you do it is up to you" so she has control over the situation and I give a few gentle reminders as the day wears on. If the time is approaching I might say "hey put a timer for half an hour on your iPad and when it goes off do your homework then". They key is giving plenty of time for them to get used to the idea of the thing they don't want to do.

I'm a single parent too

Does he like book? Could he move onto reading after the computer is off?

Books*

Aah yes the “devices off” rage, I also get this from ds. As pp said not a lot can be done mid meltdown as they wont process any of your reasoning, just ride it out but I would agree with making sure there is ample notice given in a countdown to the tablet / pc going off, so they can mentally prepare.
Ds has had real issues with overuse of various devices and increasingly difficult behaviour. I waited until we had a “good” day mood wise and had a reasonable chat with him about it. When he wasnt in mid meltdown he acknowledged his behaviour was affected by too much screen time and agreed to set times that he could and couldnt use it, we are sticking to those now and he is easier to deal with since he is only getting the times he himself agreed to.

I have previously heard a timer being recommended, because they cant argue with the logic of a timer going off when screen time expires

I get this with dd.
Timers didn't help. They could also be used as missiles .
The tv and tablets are now long term confiscated (I've got a tv in my room). We've had a very peaceful week and the dc's have been calmer without tech. I don't like the dc's missing good tv but it's the only solution at the moment.

Undiagnosedbut yes, everything mentioned here. He discovered karate - that helps direct some of it, but it is a narrowed interest. He is a black belt now Also swimming helps. He is dyspraxic and it seems to help, plus whole loaf of autoimmune issues.

I agree that giving him back an element of control rather than a strict time could change how he sees it. Maybe tell him he can have eg 2 hours total per day and he can break that up however he likes as long as it's all done before 9. That way he could monitor it and control switch off? Similar issues here and giving some choice helped. X

Sympathy to you - it's really hard. My DS is 13 and we have similar difficulties. I find that my son really needs lots of expressions and demonstrations of love and praise. I've also found that he likes me to spend time with him at bedtime e.g. reading to him (my other kids didn't want this kind of thing at the same age). Have you watched him play computer games? My DS likes the attention of having me watch and is a bit calmer when it's time to stop if I spend a bit of time watching him first. Hope you find something that works for you.

during a meltdown he is only responding with the emotional part of the brain, so either leave him be to meltdown somehwere safe or see if he responds to firm pressure.

I use the "find somewhere to stop" phrase. give him a bit of control.

caamhs are shit though for support. also have an angry autistic child

yvonne newbold runs training sessions inlondon. they may be an aoption.

The only solution I've found is to significantly limit screen time to an hour a day (going through diagnosis process at the moment, 10yDD

Thank you all for replying.
I’m goig to have to try harder to ignore him mid meltdown, it’s so hard though because he will physically attack me and swear calling me a “fat c*” etc... it beeeaks my heart as he can be so lovely when he’s not upset and also I’m always telling him such language is banned.

Can you talk to him when he is calm and tell him how nasty this language is?

I’d probably ban screens altogether if he can’t stop nicely with warnings.

Have you got a safe soft room with cushions where you can leave him to it?

Meltdowns are exhausting and I’d wonder if he needs more sleep and a much earlier cut off time for screens, as being tired will cause more meltdowns and then you are stuck in a neverending cycle.

Aah the screen tantrums and meltdowns. I by and large ignore them unless he escalated and starts smashing things up, then I'll intervene calmly.
As for the language, mine says it's just language so get over it. I tend to ignore that too tbh because I pick my battles wisely. Him calling me a mfc, although not nice, is not meant in malice. Also see if you can find safe restraint strategies (if you're super lucky unlike us you'll find something close) to keep you both safe when he's trying to lamp you one.

I've got an 11 year old not diagnosed but fairly certain Aspergers boy. He's generally fine at home but we've had periods of going crazy at school. He responds best to calm but firm. Engaging with him in a meltdown will prolong it, I either cuddle as that calms mine or ignore.

I would discuss rules when he's calm. I would have consequences for swearing etc, no computer next night or even for a week. If you can reduce computer use by different activities can help like watching a film together. Must be super hard alone though. Alternative is a reward system of say half an hour extra on computer next night if doesn't make a fuss previous night but may need to adjust time back from 9pm.