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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Young children visiting newborn

33 replies

Rachiie · 29/03/2018 21:58

Dc due in a few weeks. Dh has 8 nieces/ nephews (2-8y).
Aibu to not want them all to visit at once? Dh thinks I'm wrong to not want all 8 kids coming to our house within a day or so of having dc.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the children, and would never say they can't come visit. My issue is more them all turning up at once when dc is 1 or 2 days old. We have a relatively small house, and it will be very cramped if they all come together. I'll also be breastfeeding (hopefully) and wanting to bond with baby. Is it really horrible of me to kind of dread all 8 kids descending on the house making a mess, being noisy and all over the baby when the baby is so small?

OP posts:
Rose87777 · 29/03/2018 22:06

I would go with: whoever pushes a small human out of their genital area gets to decide when, how many, and the age of any visitors!!

MaderiaCycle · 29/03/2018 22:11

I don’t want any visitors for at least a week as they reckon the first 3-4 days are hell. I would say let them know when you’re up to it. Is this Baby #1 for DH? Maybe he’s underestimating the impact of the arrival of the little one.

BrutusMcDogface · 29/03/2018 22:15

"The first 3-4 days are hell" that's generalising, somewhat! Maybe I was lucky but I had no trouble with visitors in the first few days.

Of course you're not being unreasonable not to want all 8 of them there at once, though, but why on earth would they all be there at once?! Couldn't you have them a couple at a time? Or say that you hope they don't mind but you'd rather the children waited to meet baby? Or, just see how you feel? You might be elated and dying to show off your baby; you might be feeling like crap and not wanting anyone near you. As others have said, it's totally your call! Smile

Original poster
Rachiie · 29/03/2018 22:19

brutusmcdogface 5 belong to one sibling, 3 to the other. So best case scenario would be a split of 5 and then 3. The 3 I could probably deal with as they're older and quieter tbh. The 5 are the young ones and because of there being so many of them they're a lot louder and more boisterous.

madieracycle yeah it's dc1 for the both of us. I think the number of nieces/ nephews who we see frequently (but get to leave when we have had enough haha) has given him a false sense of it being "easy"

OP posts:
Orangedaisy · 29/03/2018 22:19

Might be better to get it over with in one fell swoop. Just for an hour-be strict with that, and ensure you have someone standing by to clear up afterwards (or make them all stay in garden and wrap newborn up in sling close to you).

Original poster
Rachiie · 29/03/2018 22:21

orangedaisy i think that's my plan at the minute. Hopefully it will be warm so if they do all descend at once the children can play in the garden. Should stop them getting bored so they'll be quieter and they can't make a mess in the house if they're outside.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 29/03/2018 22:24

I had everyone well prepped that the first two weeks were ours and then pretty much stuck to it and didn't accept visitors for 10 days.
Caused no problems or upset here!

Aprilmightmemynewname · 29/03/2018 22:24

Think on those small people will be invaluable before you know it when you want 5 mins to yourself and they are willing players - with - toddler!!.
Get them on side from the onset, get dh to provide drinks +snacks and an hour will fly by!! When I had 8 dc and had dc 9 on NYE, new years day was amazing all together!!

Isadora2007 · 29/03/2018 22:26

Can you offer to go there?

Outnotdown · 29/03/2018 22:27

I would not make any decisions about visitors until after you've had the baby. You have no idea how you will feel until that happens.

I would also let your husband know that he needs to support you fully in the first weeks, and tell his siblings that much as you like their kids, you may need some recovery time before they all come to visit.

Certainly the mothers of his nieces and nephews should understand that.

cheshiremama89 · 29/03/2018 22:28

It's too early to tell...

My son is 7 weeks and I began planning visitors etc.

Labour did not go to plan, in several days and then home - self injecting, antibiotics etc.

We kept to the original plan and it nearly broke me, cue me crying in the bathroom with guests downstairs handling my baby that had just received sepsis treatment.

Please be kind on yourself and do what's best for you and your baby!

I gave into peer pressure and the expectations of everyone else.

Original poster
Rachiie · 29/03/2018 22:30

isadora2007 dh doesn't drive so that would delay his family meeting the baby until i feel happy to drive. It's only about 30m but depending if I need stitches or something i might not feel up to it i guess

outnotdown very true, I may decide I want them there within a couple of hours, I have no idea how I'm going to feel until it happens. I think they should understand having given birth multiple times themselves but we shall see.

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 29/03/2018 22:37

Definitely get them all over at once. The magnitude of how busy your house is will shorten the visit without being forced to be too rude.

You could make small party type bags for the kids. This would give you a polite was of leaping onto the first suggestion of them leaving.

'Oh before you go i must get you the treats pfb has bought for you.'

MammaTJ · 29/03/2018 22:40

Oh good grief, YANBU!

DD had her second baby a week ago. She has a 2 year old. I was invited to visit with DP, not our DC age 12 and 11 late the next day. My younger DC got to visit yesterday for the first time, very briefly.

I am not even sure if the baby's young cousins, 3 years and a few months old, have even met her yet.

You get to decide what you can cope with, nobody else!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2018 22:40

YOU are the one having the baby, therefore you make the rules. I certainly wouldn't want all those children around.

FlashTheSloth · 29/03/2018 22:44

Personally, I had people visit without their children at first. I didn't want other kids around after I had given birth (there were no other children in the family though, this was friends). You are the one giving birth, you are the one who gets to decide, not your DH.

LockedOutOfMN · 29/03/2018 22:48

I gave birth abroad both times and the hospital said no children under 13 in the maternity wing. I presume it was to reduce risk of infections? There are crêches / supervision for visitors' / patients' children of various ages in all the hospitals I've been to over here (I volunteer at hospitals so have been in a fair few and guided day patients, visitors and visiting staff all over the buildings).

Lethaldrizzle · 29/03/2018 23:42

They'll probably like it less than you - just focus on your side of things

Ansumpasty · 29/03/2018 23:49

YANBU. Honestly, it sounds like a germ fest. Just say that with so many colds etc going round at the moment, you’d rather wait until you feel comfortable.

ASplendidMoomin · 30/03/2018 06:44

What Ansumpasty said. I would have hated having 8 children breathe germs near my PFB so soon after birth. Plus I had an emergency c section and general anaesthetic and was knocked for six for a good while. Baby would only sleep on us so I was catatonic with exhaustion. Please wait and see how you feel and only accept such a large number of potentially stressful visitors when you are up to it. We should have waited longer, at least a week or so. Hopefully the birth will go smoothly for you but it’s worth bearing in mind that you might need a section which is major abdominal surgery, with potential (temporary) issues for your mobility, strength etc. Good luck!

userabcname · 30/03/2018 06:53

Definitely play it by ear. I was in hospital for a week after birth and still unwell when I got home for quite a long time. I had a total ban on visitors except for my and DH's parents. After about 6 weeks I felt well enough to cope with more. As others have said, you may feel fine and ready for it the next day! Whatever you decide, be clear and firm about it.

Conniedescending · 30/03/2018 07:08

HmmI think the best approach to a new baby is life carries on as normal rather than a slightly daft notion of not taking visitors simply for the fact u have had a baby.

By that theory if 8 would usually visit then stick with that plan.
If u are still recovering then the visit is postponed - just as if u were ill or whatever

Don't start out by setting arbitrary rules and making changes to your usual lifestyle as you may find but actually makes adapting to parenthood harder

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 30/03/2018 07:12

I think the most important criteria is - what are the parents like? Will they pick up if the kids are getting too noisy/messy etc? If yes, then I would relax about it. If no, then I think you need to agree a plan. I don't think you can really say 'no children' (or rather you can, but I wouldn't), but flag up in advance that you're tired so you're keeping visits to an hour, pp party bag suggestion is a vv good idea of hustling children out the door with a minimum of fuss.

My SIL brought her dc round the day after we came out of hospital. They're sweet but messy as fuck, and at one point all I could see was fucking cake crumbs getting smeared into everything, knowing we had a clean up operation to do once they'd buggered off. NOT what you want with a 2 day old baby.

Oysterbabe · 30/03/2018 07:16

Much better to have them all at once than drag it out for days I reckon.

beckieperk · 30/03/2018 07:20

Totally reasonable. My bil thinks I was being a little precious I think as he has 3dc.....but I tried to limit visits. Was hard though as they live close. As do all in laws!!! Just tell them if you're not ready and when you will be. Be brutal if necessary. Kids carry lots of germs too. Very noisy and rubbish at holding new borns generally, so put your foot down. Good luck.