To clam up when I'm supposed to talk?

[NomsQualityStreets]

Me and DP are going through a rough time. We've had a lot of things happen over the last couple of years and we've just basically put out wedding plans on hold (or maybe cancelled altogether).

My issue is whenever we talk about something that is hard for me or makes me feel sad or vulnerable I feel myself almost physically collapsing in. It's the only way I can describe this feeling like my chest just caves in and I want to hide.
I don't want to talk about my emotions and feelings as that makes me vulnerable, I don't know why I feel like that as me and DP have been together nearly 10years now and we have 2 DCs and I should be talking openly about my feelings but I just clam up.

I know he struggles with it and says he often can't talk to me and I think it's beginning to affect our relationship, he says I always sit on the fence with everything and have no opinions on anything. He's probably right, a lot of my opinions/debates happen in my own head and I often don't have a need to say them out loud.
I sit on the fence because I'm a people pleaser yet I can't/don't have any friends probably because I'm just weird. I find the more I'm expected to react a certain way to a social situation the more I want to jump out of the window and run off and I tend to panic in my head thinking people are judging before I even said anything.

I don't know why I clam up but I just do it. I tend to go into my own head and just think about things.

AIBU to think I'm weird and ruining my relationship?

NomsQualityStreet I don't think you can say YOU are ruining your relationship because relationships are two sided, and rarely can it ever be one person's fault that the relationship is suffering. Just my two cents on this- I do not "do " relationships in the romantic sense, so my experience is limited. Just that your OP makes me feel you are being hard on yourself, perhaps?

I DO relate to the clamming up and feelings of vulnerability you mention- I get like this socially and in friendships a lot. Even those who are kind to me (I was going to say "who I trust" but I do not trust anyone for any length of time)

. I was in counselling a couple years ago to talk over some "trauma" from my childhood- I put it in inverted commas because my trauma was the perceived kind- some low level verbal and emotional abuse from a parent which I kind of feel is not "bad" enough to call trauma but certainly made me feel helpless and powerless and scared most of the time. Well, the counsellor waited for me to describe incidents in my childhood and I couldn't. I just knew it would sound silly and stupid. So I clammed up and never went again. Now I just open up on the internet, which is risky but at least no one on here knows who I am and I do not have to make eye contact. When I post on internet ot comes out like verbal diarrhoea but not face to face when I am supposed to talk! Very frustrating and makes me feel silly but I can't help it.

Back to you, OP, FWIW I do not think you are weird. It is not weird to feel vulnerable about opening up to someone.

You're not weird but my DH is like and it can make things incredibly difficult. He's not a people pleaser, he just shuts down emotionally when things are difficult. I do find it frustrating as communication is really the key to relationships. We've had so many crossed wires - where actually we are on the same page but he won't discuss things so they fester!

Have you considered couples counselling?

Can u write down how u feel? Or do u not really know how u feel?
Are u autistic?

@Snugglywithmycat17 no I don't think I'm autistic.

@IpeedInthePoolImSorry I get the thing about sounding silly and stupid. I sometimes overthink things and even get really upset or angry about something but it all happens in my head and I usually calm myself down and won't bring it up in case I get told it's silly. Also the trust thing really struck a cord, I feel like I don't trust anyone. I did when I was little but it was broken by someone who wants supposed to be my best friend and later finding out a lot of home truths as I grew up (DF cheated on DM, DM read my diary and online conversations with people etc) the trust just went out of the window.

I'm terrible at actually talking about anything important. I overthink, decide I'm being silly and can't say what I'm thinking, like I'm afraid of the reaction. Then the silence is deafening and the other person is waiting for me to talk and nothing comes out. Then I worry I've made it a "Big Deal" and it's really something stupid so clam up further. Its just so hard!

I've found though, you have to find a way you can open up. I do better when the pressure is removed. Costa is my favourite place! My partner does just leave me to psyche myself up into saying something before, as sitting there staring at me and saying 'just talk' has the opposite effect.

I also try and more subtly mention how I'm feeling so we don't have to have a "Conversation" where ill clam up. "I'm trying to tell you how I feel" features as a phrase...

Are you better at writing your feelings? A text conversation isnt the worlds healthiest way to communicate but its certainly better than radio silence.

You'd benefit from therapy. Overcoming this issue would make your life much easier.

You've heard of the Flight Or Flight reflex, I assume, where people who are in terrible stress want to either fight or run away? Well, there's a third option, which is Close Down. It makes it almost impossible to talk or move or do anything, no matter how much you want to. It's a huge and real issue for trauma victims, and I wonder if this might be what is happening to you when you just close up.

If so, you might well find counselling or therapy a help.