Aibu to not tell ex-dp when I get engaged/married?

[Queenofthestress]

So me and ex-dp have one DD together. I have one DS to another man.
I've been with my current partner since November. Known each other 6 years, had the kind of relationship over the past 6 years where we keep coming back to each other between relationships, never really been the right time or moment. Neither of our relationships in the past 6 years have ever worked out because it wasn't me and wasn't him. We know each other inside and out, he's always been present in the kids lives, was there when I found out I was pregnant, the full works. We want, at some point, to get married. Both families are in full support of this, really happy at the idea.

Except ex-dp and his mother that is.Me and him broke up in May last year due to DV, alcohol abuse and drug abuse on his part. They made a false social services report in January when they found out we we're together. The social worker just said that I am one of the daftest people to make a false social services report against because of how many professionals are involved in DSs medical care. He now gets supervised contact with DD and has since June last year.

I've been thinking though, would it be unreasonable to just not tell them when we do eventually get engaged?

I know this isn’t what you asked but do you think it might be better to take your time and just play it by ear?

You have very recently split from your child’s father. You have introduced a new man (even if you have known him 6 years) to your children very

Sorry posted too soon.

You have introduced the new Mann very quickly to your children, and already have to fathers to both of your kids.

I really think you need to take things much slower and build some stability for your children.

If after a couple of years you are still together then maybe start thinking about marriage etc.

Unless it has a direct impact on your daughter then no you don’t need to. So as long as he knows new partner is involved in daughters life and living (I assume) with you then no you don’t have to tell him anything

I don't think you need to decide now OP, its early days. By the time you do, you might well be in a completely different place with the ex and the decision an easy one

Whatever you do please don't leave your DD to be the messenger.

I agree with Tweetie. If you've only been with him properly since Nov then it's a bit soon to be talking marriage and better to play it by ear.

However this new man sounds like a safety blanket/back up plan. And I am not sure that you will ever be truly happy with him if I’m honest: I realised this with a former friend- 5 years of going back to each other when things messed up but I know we could never work. He knows the most intimate parts of my past but at the same time we don’t work, he’s always known he’s my back up plan like I’m his go to girl when he’s hurting. We aren’t a forever thing.

I’ve now met an amazing man and been dating him for over a year. I am truly happy and haven’t wanted to look elsewhere where as with former friend with benefits I was- because he isn’t “the one”

I also think it’s to early. If you think about your ex I bet at this point in your relationship you probably felt the same about him didn’t you?

You really shouldn’t rush into another relationship.

Actually I didn't, I couldn't see my ex being a long term thing, there's only ever been one bloke I've ever thought I'd marry and that's my current dp.
Plus, it's not a serious thought, it was more of a thought that came to me when I was day dreaming in the shower and thought I'd see other people's opinions on it since you know, my family are biased.

My DD can't even talk yet, and even then I still wouldn't leave a child to be the messenger, I'm the adult, not her. It was just a random thought not a serious one haha

I couldn't see my ex being a long term thing

And yet you had a child with him. Not fair to your dd.

She was exactly planned, she was an implant failure, turns out they break if you get kicked in the arm with plated shoes

*wasn't

It was just a random thought not a serious one haha

Enough to make a post about but joke when people answer

Yeah 'haha'

Well yeah, half of the posts on here are not serious ones, or should I have put lighthearted in the post title? Jesus Christ.
Like people said, it's not going to happen any time soon, it was a thought about the future, don't take it too seriously

The set-up all sounds rather complicated. I don't think engagement announcements is the root issue here.

Are you pregnant now? I mean 3 kids with 3 different dads?

God no, I'm definitely not pregnant, we don't even live together, hence why it wouldn't be happening any time soon

Just slow it all down!!!

OP no you do not have to tell ur ex anything about your relationship other than he is involved in dds life and I would massively advise against telling him. From the little uve said about the violence I would be worried about an escalation once he recieves the news.

Ignore the whole "2 kids by 2 different dad's" that is nobody's business but urs and nobody knows how it may have come about.

It's also not to soon 2 be talking about getting engaged in my opinion if he is the man u love (from what I've said I do think he's gonna be the man u and up with no matter what), it's been 4/5 months that uve been back together, my dh and I were engaged and had a baby on the way (in that order) by this time and we are still together 12 years later.
You obviously know this is the man for you but for some reason u both ignore it or let emotions get in the way so I defo think u should discuss what separated u in the past and work on that not happening again.

xx

It was me that called it off in the past, we were dating when I first noticed DS's issues, I was struggling to do all the hospital appointments and balance a relationship so I called it off. I needed to give 100% of my attention on DS so I did what I had to do. He understood completely with no resentment there.
This time around, when the first appointment came about two weeks after we got together we actually argued over him coming because to me that's my responsibility not his but he argued that he wanted to come, wanted to hear it from the doctor not second hand, that he was in this for the long haul and that includes the hospital appointments, physio and everything else that comes our way.