To think reporting childhood sexual causes issues not solutions *edited by MNHQ to add trigger warning*

[nalalama]

This is not in any way meant to deter anyone from reporting any abuse they have experienced and I would like to warn that I will be giving an overview of my abuse experience.
I was abused as a child by step father from the age of 4 up until the age of 16. This included everything from being forced as a very young child to watch this man (lets call him Bob) masturbate, being groped and touched and a rape attempt. He was also extremely mentally and emotionally abusive. This led to me having a lot of problems with severe depression and anxiety and even self harm and suicidal thoughts. I didn't tell anyone about the abuse until I was 17 and decided not to report it as I thought nothing could be done. However two years on with my own house I found myself seeing Bob A LOT. He would be there when I came out of the shop, driving down my street repeatedly and even sat outside my work. For the safety of me and my young baby and partner I finally decided to notify the police if everything. It has made me miserable, ill and terrified to leave my house, I regret it an inexplainable amount and have no idea what to do.
The day I reported the incident the officers were amazing other than the fact I had to repeat everything to four different officers which took 4 hours in total. However on my leave I was not offered any kind of help or counselling and was told not to call for updates they'd call me.
Anyway long story short I had to go in a few more times to make video statements as such and going over in such detail was extremely hard for me I found myself getting stressed and depressed. My police officer told me go to the GP who recommended I self refer to counselling so I did. Was told I'd be waiting 9 months minimum unless I felt that I had immediate plans to kill myself or harm my child (I don't).
At this time I had still been seeing Bob and although he hadn't actually spoken to me he was very intimidating, told the police. This is when I was informed he'd been "invited for a interview and knew about the allegations I had made". They said they cannot do anything until he has physically harmed me. They suggested I move house a few towns away (?!)
I have not heard anything and am terrified to even take my baby to the park. I honestly fear for my life, this is a vile, disgusting, violent man and I have seen his family a few times and they've shouted awful names at me in the street and totally humiliated me.
AIBU to regret reporting it and thinking it would have died down on its own?
This has changed my life I have become depressed and anxious and have gained weight from staying in the house and having so little energy. I really feel that this will start to affect my babies life as he grows. What can I do? I'm not sure what I hope to achieve from posting this on mums net at 1am but here goes nothing xx

I’m so sorry OP. Not the same situation but I had a sexual abuse situation as a young teenager and when I reported it in 2006 was told a similar thing: burden of truth on me but by then he had been questioned and I got a load of abuse off people he knew. He was much older than me and I was intimidated by him and his family.

Once all the Saville stuff came out friends started to encourage me to try again at reporting him but, frankly, fuck that. Like you say, it made me depressed, anxious and basically a raging alcoholic. So I get why you regret speaking up.

You say Step-Father, where’s your Mum in all this?

@felloutofbed2wice Sorry to hear that, it's just unbearable and they say it will make things better! My Mum is great. She had no idea and was being horribly abused as well. However she lives a fair way away and doesn't like to talk or think about it understandably. Also with having heard nothing for so long everyone just sweeps it under the rug and seems to have forgotten about it x

Sounds like he's been stalking you, so it probably wouldn't have died down on its own. Sorry, I don't have any advice as such; just wanted to commend you for your bravery in speaking up.
In my very limited experience, court procedures are all about evidence. So if he's abused other people, or has indecent images of children on his laptop, or any other corroboration, they might be able to lock the bastard up. It's harder if it's your word against his. That's shit, but it's the unfortunate reality.
But from another perspective, maybe it's better to try and fail than to let him think he can intimidate you into silence? Even if he acts like the big man, he's just one mistake away from prosecution. He knows it. He should be terrified of being found out.
More flowers to you. Stay strong!

I’m sorry to hear that your Mum is so far away and doesn’t want to talk about it. That must be tough although, not as tough as if they were still together.

He sounds like a terrible man, and none of what happened was your fault.

Would it be worth getting a restraining order against him or something like that (sorry, I don’t know the technicalities)? At least that way you wouldn’t be living in fear of seeing him.

Also have you had any therapy? Talking therapy and hypnotherapy for anxiety as a result of the abuse changed my life.

Also, maybe this is unfair of me, but I want your mum to step up. Yeah, it's hard for her. But actually it's even harder for you. And you have a small child.

I just wanted to add another thank you for your bravery. By reporting it formally you are highlighting the risk this man poses to dc even if your case doesn't go forward.
There are specialist adult survivors of abuse support groups that you could consider contacting. Giving a police statement is a very difficult thing to do and often retriggering. Also it is okay to contact the police and ask for an update.

@nalalama I'm so sorry you're going through this. Well done for having the strength to report it to police and sadly not everyone gets the outcome they hoped for. Secondly it sounds to me like the sick bastard was stalking you so I doubt it would have died down, from the sounds of things the fact you haven't seen or heard from him I would hazard a guess it probably scared him there's nothing abusers fear more than being exposed. If I were you I would also report his family for their behaviour as that's intimidation. Start writing down any time you see him or his family date and time and what happened etc and maybe ask the police how you can go about getting an injunction against him? least then if he does come near you they will have no choice but to arrest him. It may not seem like it now but even if this doesn't go to court try not to regret it too much as he's now come to the police's attention so if he does it again they'll have your statement and interview on file if someone else reports him. Regarding the counselling sadly the waiting list is long but once it starts it will hopefully help you deal with what you've been through x

Thanks everyone, in regards to a restraining order or something similar i have enquired about it but the police seem very blasé about it and their attitude is basically "it was years ago if he was going to hurt you he would have done so". It also seems to be every time I ask for help I get brushed off or told to go to the GP who then tell me to speak to the police about it all. When I went in for an interview it was like an interrogation which I understand as it's more helpful in court but when I was informed he'd been invited for an interview but declined the first time they asked I was shocked! Why is it all on his terms like he's the victim? She also told me I had to understand this will be a disruption to his life, like its not to mine?

@nalalama Try ringing women's aid and see if they can point you in the right direction there are ways to get a free injunction there are charities that fund but you do have to give them a lot of detail so prepare for some possible intrusive questions. Unfortunately that's how it works sometimes the police can't arrest they can only ask they come in to be interviewed but don't let them fob you off keep asking for updates

I’m sorry this happened to you. I regret reporting what happened to me and it sounds like our cases are at similar stages. In my case my then boyfriend encouraged me to report it, though I later found out this was because he thought I had a duty to and it would be on me if he went on to do it to other women

Had it not been for him I wouldn’t have reported something that happened to me a decade ago. It’s dragged up so much and hasn’t really been cathartic. I worry about bumping into the perpetrator. I worry about what he has said about me. I worry about what will be said in court and how I will cope.

I have depression and this has made it worse in many ways. I keep thinking about dropping charges but then I feel that’s another way of saying ‘I made it up’, even though that’s obviously not the case.

The police were wonderful at first but now I feel like I’m the one being interrogated. I get occasional updates but feel they get frustrated with my questions and expect me to know the law and court process inside out. I had to stop my officer in charge last week because he was talking about court things and I had no idea what he was on about, having never been to court before.

I’ve had very little support and now my ex partner has gone, things are even harder.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it more or rant or whatever. I reported what happened to me last spring and my officer in charge doesn’t expect it to go to court until the end of this year at the earliest. It’s been a gruelling process. YANBU, I completely understand your feelings on this

Ask to be referred to SV2 if they have that kind of facility (they should) it's a service for people who've been subject to sexual abuse.
You need to go to counselling but beware the counsellor will tell you that you cannot repeat what has happened to them, you can only talk about how it affects you now otherwise this will affect things if it goes to court.

The police do have a service for people whom have reported abuse, and they should have told you about this.