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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arrggghhh hand hold please

27 replies

triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 00:49

The utter wanker left seven weeks ago. He hit me whilst I was holding our beautiful ten week old baby. He has also thrown me over the bed whilst I was holding her, and thrown a cup of hot coffee over her cot - luckily she wasn't in it. He has since made ridiculous allegations against me, he has involved social services, who have ripped my life apart.... and got my baby put on a child protection plan.

I have been literally left holding the baby. I have zero support. Terrified that if she even gets a scratch she will be taken away from me... Did I mention no support? None. Nada. My dad died five years ago in May, my mum fell apart when that happened and is not capable of looking after the baby for more than an hour at a time. She has selfishly buggered off on holiday for a month.

I have no support, no-one at all to help me, I am on guard 24/7. My friends either work full time or have their own families...

Aibu to just say I give up and hand my beautiful little girl (who I would literally die for) over to the person who has tried their damn hardest to destroy us...

Is it unreasonable to have an hour off here and there? And to expect him to take some responsibility for the life he destroyed? I love my daughter, but I have not been away from her for more than 3 hours since she has been born...

Sorry, grasping at straws here.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 29/03/2018 00:53

No don’t give her over to him, you do need support I’m sure someone will be along to advise you

MammaH2018 · 29/03/2018 00:55

You keep hold of that little girl.
This is going to be a hard, long road.
But she is worth it.
You are strong enough to get through this,
Your mum will be back, she is going through her own struggle but she will be there for you in time.
Things will be ok, don’t loose sight of that
Xx

MeltSnow · 29/03/2018 00:55

Sounds very very difficult but yes you would be very unreasonable to hand you baby over to your ex after his behaviour. I know new babies are 3xtremely hard work but I think it’s exteemely normal not to get any time 'off' until they are quite a bit older. It would be good to get time off but for most of us it just isn’t realistic.
Have you tried surestart?

Florene · 29/03/2018 00:58

www.home-start.org.uk

Call them Flowers

UnRavellingFast · 29/03/2018 00:59

don't hand her over please! Imagine that hot cup of coffee actually going on her next time. This is a very difficult vulnerable time for you. Hold onto the support you will receive here and remember that the baby care will get easier. I feel such sympathy for you. Can you find a local baby group for support? Your midwife may be able to advise? Handhold from me and thinking of you. Keep posting it will let some of the desperation have a vent iyswim.

ferrier · 29/03/2018 01:01

How much do you love your little girl and want to protect her from him?
You will do it.
Sleep when she sleeps.
Get plenty of fresh air.
Don't worry about housework.

HonkyWonkWoman · 29/03/2018 01:02

Get some advice from you Health Visitor! They are very good in situations like this and believe me, they are definitely on you and babies side.

UnRavellingFast · 29/03/2018 01:03

My mum went off on a month's holiday when my second was born very soon after my first and i needed her sooo much. I get you're angry with your mum-this is the one time you desperately need support. But she'll be back and even though you're angry, accept her support as she at least hasn't physically abused you and baby and abandoned you forever.

UnRavellingFast · 29/03/2018 01:04

Yes health visitor not midwife, couldn't think of word, my kids teens now so been a while!

Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:06

Thank you.

I am in bits. But I am not allowed to fall apart because otherwise social services will be on my back - again. I know they are just doing their jobs, but they don't seem to have seen through his lies. He has lied and lied and lied. He has managed to absolve himself of all responsibility, and all the onus is on me.

It's been seven weeks, and I have to pretend I am ok, and that everything is fine. I had a traumatic birth in the first place... and he has been useless and abusive from the start.

It's just so difficult to try and understand the whole situation.... I look at my happy gurgling, smiling baby who is meeting all her milestones etc, and I just can't understand why someone would hate me that much that they have done this to me. I am literally living in fear of every knock on the door, every time my phone rings...

How can I raise a baby all by myself in this sort of environment?

OP posts:
Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:09

My health visitor is a supply type. She is worse than useless. I tried approaching her for help to try and see what I could do that would be better for my baby (?! Like I wasn't trying it already), and she just cooed at the baby and scheduled a new appointment. Oh and she also basically told me to man up when ss come round... told me to relax. And appear calm. Yeah, that's what I am trying to do!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:12

The worst part is that ss are insisting that I hand her over to her father for 8+ hours at a time

. This is the man child who has been out of her life for nearly half of if. For 8 hours!!!!! She is twenty weeks old now... someone please confirm that that is so so so wrong.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 29/03/2018 01:17

Can you get a supportive friend to come round for an hour or two? Even if you don't go out of the house, you don't have to be the primary carer for a little bit. And if you possibly could, get someone to be with you next time you have to deal with social services. But even if not, write down everything that has happened, just as you did for this post, in as much detail as possible, and either read it out or give it to them to read. They need to know that the baby is in danger of physical abuse if she is left in the care of your ex. They MUST take that seriously.

Puffycat · 29/03/2018 01:20

Goodness.
This sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.
Never hand your child over.
Get your shit together TripTrap and look after yourself and especially your baby.
This bloke is clearly shite, change your environment for you and your baby.
Take control and change your life!

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 29/03/2018 01:22

I think you should go to your gp first. Talk to them about your options. Contact Mind for some support, sounds like you need to unload and the other parenting options listed. Now would be a good time to reach out to positive friends and not feel isolated.

You are tired, so sleep. This will pass. You won't raise the baby in this sort of environment, don't doubt yourself, sounds like you are making huge changes - and things will calm down. I hope someone can look after your baby so you can relax and then get some support. Micro-manage it and reach out.

Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:26

I have written everything down, my diary which should have been full of her firsts and the excitement etc, is now my bible. I write everything down. And I have evidence in the form of text messages (time and date stamped) from when he did what he did to me.

But no-one is interested. No-one has ever listened to my side of the story, it's all happened so quickly on the back of his allegations (if you are interested, apparently I am a violent alcoholic who will physically abuse my teeny baby given half the chance).

But as I said, his allegations still stand. And he wants unsupervised contact with her?? And If I protest, I am seen as 'obstructive' and 'detrimental to her relationship with her father'. I object for very good reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:28

Puffycat - yep it totally looks like an episode of jezza, unfortunately this is my actual life!

OP posts:
Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:32

Mountains - I spoke to my g0 on account of my really 'irritating' (thanks ex)! Pnd. He sort of blinked at me, gave me a prescription for someone or the other, then told me there is no way he is going to contribute for her

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 29/03/2018 01:32

This sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Is that really fucking necessary?? The woman is obviously desperate and here for support.

OP, can you call a friend and beg for some help? Put your pride to one side.

Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:37

Argh sorry that last lost was garbled. And yes, it may well end up JK style (or ya know, my baby taken off me), but I have literally been out on the spot to try and prove I have ever+would never even consider harming a hair on her headache...

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 29/03/2018 01:41

Have you told Social Services about him throwing hot coffee over her cot?
Was he trying to hurt the baby?
I know it's hard work looking after a baby on your own but as others have said, just concentrate on her and try to sleep and relax when she sleeps.
You would do well to calm down really. SS will not take a baby off a competent Mother on the say-so of an abusive Father. Did you call the Police to any of the incidents of abuse?
When you tell the SS about his abuse, tell it in a calm way.

Why does he call you a violent alcoholic?

Original poster
triptraptrippetytrap · 29/03/2018 01:52

Yep. Told them about all the incidents. And then when he stole my keys in the midst of the investigation, let himself into my house and frightened the crap out of me.
But apparently that's ok, according to the social worker, because he was 'upset and angry' after having been asked to leave the family home?'he threw the keys he stole from my house at me in front of the social worker, and that was apparently justified.... he told me to 'go fuck myself and die' in front of her, but once again, that was let slide as he was 'angry and upset'
I have had a bit of a chequered past (long since straightened out, way before I was even pregnant ) but he has used that against me in the worst possible way.
So, no, no interest in my side of the story. Oh and telling the police the truth, after the him letting himself into my house... it's taken them over four weeks to get back to me.
I apologise if this is simply more JK fodder

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 29/03/2018 11:57

Don't apologise just continue venting here it will help you. You do not sound like bloody Jeremy Kyle you sound like a new mother who has been abused and traumatised. Hand hold again from me. This will get easier. I know you can't just 'calm down' when you're pnd, fighting abuser etc. Focus on the supportive ppl here and in your rl. BearBrew

Jon66 · 29/03/2018 12:00

You need a solicitor.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2018 12:14

Do not trust social services. Your social worker sounds shit.

Do not hand your baby over.

Sorry for the lack of support you have. But you need some legal advice. Can you get to a Citizen's Advice Bureau?

How can you raise a baby in these circumstances? You CAN. You are all she needs.

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