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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have acted like a stroppy toddler

21 replies

SebsCat · 28/03/2018 22:13

Backstory: DH is utterly unhelpful with the children and the house. Reasons include his depression, anxiety and high powered stressful job, all fair enough, but I'm am left to deal with everything and I do resent it a bit.

Since yesterday I have been dealing with 2 v poorly children on my own (5 and 2) with fevers, sore throats etc. Got almost no sleep last night and took care of them again all day.

DH comes home from work, eats his dinner on the sofa as usual whilst I feed the kids, and starts playing his game straight away. As I'm giving DD medicine, DS2 starts crying for milk, so I ask DH to just give him milk this once. DH huffily does so, leaving the open carton of nesquik in front of DS and leaves to resume gaming.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next: DS2 grabs 2 handfuls of nesquick, licks them turning the powder into indelible pink slime and rubs his hands into the rug. I was a bit annoyed, but DH starts shouting at me that I'm a 'control freak', that I should have told him where to leave the nesquik (????) and how could anyone predict that a toddler would grab something tempting left in front of them.

This is where I acted like a petulant child. I cleaned up the mess, and left DHs prized game controller on the same spot as the nesquik. Of course the toddler picked it up and started banging it. Dh is now sulking in the other room and I know I should go apologise for my pettiness but Im not sorry.

Tell me I'm unreasonable and silly, I know I am!

OP posts:

ToriRay · 28/03/2018 22:18

I'm not sure you're the stroppy petulant one here. I think it's the manchild you live with. He should not have to be asked to do jobs such as give his child milk! Your response probably isn't ideal to repeat in the long run, but think you probably have done deeper rooted things to address with him!

GoofyIsACow · 28/03/2018 22:18

Fuck that YANBU is he always such a jackass?

Queenio24 · 28/03/2018 22:19

Yanbu! Sounds like he has opted out of home life & evening 'duties'.
It's unfair to get involved with gaming when there's young kids to be looked after.

Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 22:19

YANBU. Why didn't he put his controller away?

so I ask DH to just give him milk this once.

So you have to cajole and beg him into doing a simple thing for his children? That's not right.

He needs to take responsibilibily for some tasks evenings and weekends.

What does he actually do at home? Lots of people manage with depression. He's managing at work, isn't he?

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 28/03/2018 22:19

Sounds like he's the one acting like a child. How is it possible someone with a high powered stressful job could possibly be so clueless at home?

UpstartCrow · 28/03/2018 22:20

YANBU. Does he feel at all connected to his children?

rackhampearl · 28/03/2018 22:25

Sounds exactly like my life.
I absolutely loathe DHs obsession with gaming but he earns a lot, doesn't drink, smoke and gamble and has a very nice cock. I just do my bit with the kids (6&3), and bite my lip. If it wasn't the gaming then something else would be an issue. I do secretly pray for him to wake up and realise what a waste of time 'gaming' is

Passportto · 28/03/2018 22:26

I had a proper toddler tantrum last night. I'd just come out of three days of a fluey thing that had left me bedbound. It was truly horrible, I'd lay there thinking I need a drink but not summoning the will to reach the one next to me which lovely DH was bringing regularly

Anyway, the first time I ventured downstairs and the place is a tip. Three days of me not saying "put it in the dishwasher" "put the wrapper in the bin" "put it away if you've finished with it" and the place looks like a bomb has hit. It's not DH's mess, he's pretty good but he has let teen DH's get away with leaving it like this in my absence

I think they need to see you're cross sometimes.

MsJaneAusten · 28/03/2018 22:26

Wow. It’s not you acting like a child. Does he have any redeeming features?

Original poster

SebsCat · 28/03/2018 22:27

Oh my god, I almost deleted this thread, I was expecting such a telling off! I can't believe you lovely MNers are so understanding of why I just cracked!

OP posts:

Original poster

SebsCat · 28/03/2018 22:29

I honestly don't know how I've gotten myself to the point that I end up doing every last thing. When we married, we were almost 50:50 but when I became a SAHM more and more was pushed to me.

Now every time the kids or house need something it gives him anxiety, or his job is so stressful, he needs to totally relaxed or I'm exacerbating his MH issues... It's always one thing or another but it all ends the same way.

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 22:32

He is using his MH issues to check out of family life/chores.

You will get increasingly resentful until this changes.

Cornishclio · 28/03/2018 22:38

I am not really sure why you are with him. Unfortunately it seems very common with SAHM that they are left with doing everything while their useless husbands carry on with life as normal ignoring they are now fathers. I think I would be reluctant to give up my job and earning potential to be with such a selfish DH. Anxiety or not that does not give him the right to sit playing games leaving his DW doing everything.

redastherose · 28/03/2018 22:45

I know it's easier said than done but tell him you've had enough, you are going to get a full time job and when you do he will have to take over 50% of the chores and childcare. He is being entirely selfish and unreasonable, I bet you anything that his 'MH' issues don't stop him doing the things that he wants to do! Going out with mates, sports, playing his games, all of theses can be done but not the hard work of looking after a family! He is being a selfish man child

Ginger1982 · 28/03/2018 22:46

You need to have a serious talk with DH. Surely he could game once the kids were in bed? I would have taken the face off him.

jpclarke · 28/03/2018 22:55

I can't believe he does not want to spend time with his kids when he comes in from work. Surely he could wait until they are in bed to start playing. What message are you both sending your children? I hope your ds does not turn out like him that he expects a woman to do everything for him, and equally I hope your dd strives for a better partner in life who does not treat her like a slave. You need to have a serious chat with hour dh and maybe consider couples counselling because his health issues are not an excuse to treat you so badly and not bother with his children,

BewareOfDragons · 28/03/2018 23:05

I wouldn't live like that. Sorry, but no.

He is a parent, husband and member of the household, too and he needs to start acting like one when he's home. Right now he is acting like a massive jerk, and he's full of shit that he can work in a high powered job but can't cope with his own children or doing his share at home.

Not pitching in. Doing HIS share.

You need to tell him this isn't working for you any more. He throws in or he gets out. What's the point of having him there if he's not actually going to do anything? Why is your job 24/7 while he gets to clock out at work and then sit on his ass while you run around doing everything round the clock. Fuck that!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2018 23:12

Yeah I get anxiety when I have to load the diswasher or feed a child. The only cure is playing video games. I believe this is a well recognised medical condition. Pffft.

Maybe you should make an appointment to talk to his doctor and therapist about how their recommendations for how he should manage his anxiety are causing problems at home. Or is this vital video game and relaxation treatment entirely made up by him?

Unless he has some signifcant medical intervention going on, I'd say he is full of crap.

Why the blazes did you clean the rug? You know he let that happen on purpose, right? To punish you and so you wouldn't ask again.

Teutonic · 28/03/2018 23:13

Wait. You're wondering if you behaved like a toddler?
Your partner came in from work to a meal that you cooked, after you had nursed and fed 2 poorly kiddies and presumably done other stuff too. You asked him to give the youngest a drink and due to his game being more important, he ignored the situation and then went off in a sulk......and you're wondering if its YOU that's behaving like a child???
No, no and NO. If anyone's behaving like a petulant child its him and if he wants to behave like one then treat him like one.
You need to stand up for yourself and tell him in no uncertain terms what you expect of him and what the consequences will be if he doesn't comply and MEAN it.
There are plenty of people out there who have stressful jobs and MH issues, but it doesn't stop them from extending basic courtesy, respect and a helping hand towards their loved ones.
The next excuse he will be using is that it helps his depression...well, someone had better inform the shrinks quick that there's a new anti depression come onto the market.

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/03/2018 23:14

He’s taking the absolute piss. He gets home from work and sits on his arse while you carry on working? No chance would that happen here.

LayerShortOfALasagne · 28/03/2018 23:16

Yabu for buying that awful nesquick

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