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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Avoiding pregnancy talk

16 replies

123whatsmyusername · 28/03/2018 18:08

Recently, after 18months TTC, I conceived a baby with DH but unfortunately we had to end the pregnancy at 19 weeks due to severe medical conditions the baby had that would have severely affected her quality of life. This decision was made after much heartache and in-depth discussions. The worst of it is that she was born alive and lived for a few hours. It has ripped our hearts out.
We have also recently discovered that we will need IVF to conceive another child guaranteed not to have the same condition our daughter had. Tough times ahead.
The problem here is that a very close friend of mine (who knows all of this) is pregnant and her due date is just three weeks after mine should have been. I’m finding it very difficult and feel awfully jealous when she mentions a midwife appointment or other things like that.
WIBU to avoid all pregnancy discussions until I can cope better? I’m normally very excited about this sort of thing with friends. Should I communicate this to her? I feel I shouldn’t tell her explicitly but I don’t want her to think I’m ignorant. It’s just too painful.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/03/2018 18:14
Flowers

A good friend would understand this for the time being. I would just talk to her and say something along the lines of how delighted you are for her, but how it is too soon for you to discuss things around pregnancy, so you hope she will understand if you take a step back for a while.

Brownieb · 28/03/2018 18:15

Flowers ynbu- I am sure your friend would be horrified to think She was accidentally causing pain. Just tell her and I am sure she will understand without a lengthy explanation needed.

longestlurkerever · 28/03/2018 18:18

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. It's quite common to find other people's pregnancies and babies extremely difficult when going through miscarriage and infertility, and your experience has been particularly harrowing. I think your friend will understand. You sound a good friend. Maybe send her an email letting her know that it's not personal but you're going to lie low for a while. Flowers

Ansumpasty · 28/03/2018 18:51

Tell your friend, she’ll understand!
I hope you get your rainbow baby soon Flowers

heateallthebuns · 28/03/2018 19:17

I think in the circumstances you should tell her explicitly, if she's any kind of friend she'll understand.

MrsMaxwell · 28/03/2018 19:19

I just want to say I agree with the above and I am so sorry this happened to you.

TheShaniaTwainExperience · 28/03/2018 19:23

Tell her. She will support you I’m sure. She would probably hate to think that her casual conversation is causing your distress. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you all the luck for the future. Flowers

MyNameIsErm · 28/03/2018 19:29

Oh lovey! I'm so so sorry that has happened, I can't imagine how heart breaking that would have been!

Yes definitely tell your friend that you are feeling broken and talking about babies is really painful atm. If she's any kind of friend then she WILL understand!

ThanksThanks

NellythePink · 28/03/2018 19:35

Hello OP. I'm so sorry for what you and your DH have been through.

I have a friend who has had several miscarriages, including some in the second trimester. I never mention anything to do with my own pregnancy to her. She will sometimes ask when she is feeling strong enough and I will answer, but then we always move on the conversation quite quickly.

I think it would be fair for you to request this same arrangement with your friend...as other posters have pointed out I'm sure she does not want to upset you.

Thanks
Ilikesweetpeas · 28/03/2018 19:53

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I had ivf without the other issues and grief you have. I couldn’t bear to hear pregnancy talk. I’m sure your friend will understand if she has any compassion at all. I hope that things improve for you soon

123whatsmyusername · 29/03/2018 06:41

Thank you everybody. I’ll speak to her then. I think she would understand; she’s a fantastic friend.

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 29/03/2018 06:44

Family members have just cancelled coming to see us for similar reasons (I am 34 weeks). I am sad not to see them but obviously don’t take it personally, I’m just sad that they are in pain. They need to take care of themselves however they can

DBoo · 29/03/2018 06:44

Definitely speak to her.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My son was stillborn. 6 months later someone in my office was pregnant. The whole office talked none stop about the pregnancy and I was furious and distraught and ended up in tears to management. It sounds ridiculous but no-one has realised it was bothering me. Definitely mention it.

Dontknowwherethelineis · 02/04/2018 18:40

Of course talk to her: I was in similar-ish situation although far far less traumatic and just told my friend due the same week that I was happy for her but sad for myself as it reminded me of what I'd lost and I was struggling. Of course she understood and your friend will too. Hugs for you x

MorningsEleven · 02/04/2018 18:59

I can't begin to imagine how much you're hurting and I'm so sorry for your loss.

If I were you I'd explain that you're happy for her but you're still in mourning and you need to go off grid for a bit.

123whatsmyusername · 04/04/2018 14:01

Thank you for all of your replies. My friend and I had an arrangement to see each other today so I texted her yesterday and she was fine. Our morning together was lovely too. I just told her that although I’m happy for her (which I am), I’m just not ready to chat with her about it yet.
I’m so glad I did it - we have a wedding to go to together on Saturday and I’d hate to think I may have gotten upset at such a big event.
Thanks again! X

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