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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to have a first birthday without the grandparents?

24 replies

RoseMamaa · 28/03/2018 13:44

My OH's parents are not my fav people. They came to 'help' when I had just given birth to our baby after being put on bed rest. I was so poorly and our baby was born early and poorly too. They were saying things to him like "are you her slave then?" because he was changing nappies and bringing me food that I'd cooked and frozen while pregnant. They told me that I was being unreasonable to want to spend time with him and that he was "going above and beyond for me." Meanwhile, they were going to the pub for hours on end with my OH and watching movies with him, while I was alone with the baby. My OH and his parents were slagging me off with them, it was horrible. He totally took their side. It all ended with them shouting at me in my own home, and I've not spoken to them since. My OH wasn't very bothered to have a close relationship with his parents before this, but since he's almost regressed and wants to include them in everything! He goes up to see them with the baby (they live 2 hr away thankfully), goes to gigs with them, texts all the time. They do not make any effort to see this baby at all, despite them passing through where we live often from when they are on holidays.

I mentioned the baby's 1st birthday party, which wouldn't be happening for months anyway, and his first response was, what about my mum and dad? I think it would be better for them to celebrate seperately at a soft play centre or park/whatever and keep the party just for us and friends so I can feel happy and relaxed instead of an anxious wreck! He disagreed and we had a huge fight. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 28/03/2018 13:47

I wouldn’t be with him so he would have to do his own party.
How fucking dare they. You were vulnerable and they took advantage of that.
Dump OH and the problem resolves itself.

PlateOfBiscuits · 28/03/2018 13:49

Oh love... why are you with him?

Skarossinkplunger · 28/03/2018 13:49

You don’t have an in-laws problem, you have a DH problem. I wouldn’t be with him.

OuchLegoHurts · 28/03/2018 13:51

Your OH is behaving disgracefully. I'd give him hell about the way you've been treated and then threaten to kick him out if he insists on supporting their horrible behaviour.

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 13:52

I would make it very clear that he has failed to pull his weight and you expect better than this. Seeing his parents at all is completely put of the question but you are happy to discuss the issue at couples counselling.

Thehamsterspajamas · 28/03/2018 13:55

YANBU x 1 million. Equally Disgusting behaviour on the part of your OH and his parents.

ChillyNipsAreCold · 28/03/2018 14:12

My OH and his parents were slagging me off with them, it was horrible. He totally took their side. It all ended with them shouting at me in my own home, and I've not spoken to them since.

Arseholes, all of them. Get rid of OH, he sounds like a cunt.

moita · 28/03/2018 14:16

He sounds awful. I think the party is the least of your worries.

Bananarama12 · 28/03/2018 14:16

Sorry why are you with him?!?

Hissy · 28/03/2018 14:20

Id have dumped him the second I could get my own food.

please get rid of him, tell the inlaws they can all FTFO too. Bollocks to the lot of them.

I hope you have a decent family/friend network?

HollyBayTree · 28/03/2018 14:21

Is this an arranged marriage? Is her some honour based thing you aren't telling us? Get shot of him, if your DH hasnt got your back then he's not worth keeping.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 28/03/2018 14:24

YANBU. They sound awful. But so does your husband. Why are you still with someone who would treat you that way?

Hissy · 28/03/2018 14:26

Give your baby the best birthday present ever, the ability to live in a home full only of love and support, where your baby grows up seeing how a woman should be treated - well.

I can't stress this enough. When you have a little one, your role is to set the expectations that they live to, if you always put yourself last at home, when they are old enough they will put you last too. If you as a woman show a daughter that you don't matter, when her time comes, she won't know that she is important.

or a son wont know that he has to treat his partner with kindness, love and respect.

You're onto a hiding to nothing with that lot. Let him go, let them all go. He can have your DC on his own every other weekend when it's appropriate to, he can organise his own parties for the DC, and you can arrange yours.

diddl · 28/03/2018 14:29

Sounds as if it should be without the dad as well!

I'm be doing my damndest to shield my kid from all of them.

seafoodeatit · 28/03/2018 14:30

YANBU, they both sound appalling. Please don't allow him to treat you like this. It's not how she should be treating by any stretch.

Greenfinch1 · 28/03/2018 14:32

I wouldn't be with him either. Sounds as if you and the baby would be better off without him. He is not treating you well at all and it will probably only get worse. Sorry but I would get out of the relationship as soon as you can. I hope you have a good friend or family member to help you when he gets angry.

Glittermakeseverythingbetter · 28/03/2018 14:35

OP I think you made a mistake in your title. 'OH and' is missing after the word 'without'
In which case yadnbu Flowers

YearOfYouRemember · 28/03/2018 14:36

I was coming on to sympathise as my inlaws only left the day of dcs first birthday party at two minutes the bedtime having been there for five hours. Where's the thought? But yours is much much worse. You are living with someone who puts his parents before his partner, the mother of his child. Why? I'm sure you were expecting a few there there's and not what you've got but seriously think about it. Strangers care more about your well being and that of your child's than your partner does.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2018 14:47

The old MN adage "you don't have a IL problem, you have an OH problem" was surely written for this situation

Snowmagedon · 28/03/2018 14:49

Op I had this too! It was horrific but dh wasn't siding with the them. If he had, it would have been it.

I don't know why your with him.

Re birthday they lost that right when they they we're nasty to me you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/03/2018 14:50

Why are you still with him? They all sound bloody horrible OP. Are you actually happy?

Mia1415 · 28/03/2018 14:52

YANBU. They and your DH behaved appallingly and I don't think I could forgive that.

Creatureofthenight · 28/03/2018 14:58

I expect you’ve had a lot on your plate with a small baby and shit relatives to contend with. When you feel able, start asking yourself if this is really a relationship you want to be in.
I’m sure everyone has had a little moan to their mum about their OH, but slagging you off with them in your own house? Not to mention pissing off down the pub when you and baby are poorly? Or allowing you to be yelled at in your own home? It’s a safe bet you can do better.

KarmaStar · 28/03/2018 14:58

Tell your dp to move in with his dm and dd and he can spend his days by being looked after by mummy and daddy.
Whilst you heave a big sigh of relief and enjoy your db in peace
His Behaviour Is not acceptable Op.
I hope you both feel better very soonFlowers

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