AIBU to not want to be a 3/4th priority

[NewHere2018]

Hi sorry if this is post shouldn’t be here. I’m a divorced dad who has joint custody of my children. I’ve been in a new relationship for about 8 months and as we both prioritise our own children time together comes at a premium. My problem is the number of dates/evenings together is close to the number of times she has cancelled. I have no problem being a second priority behind her children as I agree that the needs of the children come above all else. However should I be frustrated that I slip down the pecking order behind work, friends and being tired?

Am I being unreasonable to want to be a priority a bit more or is this an ok situation for this stage of a relationship? Any advice/help much appreciated!

Perhaps she doesn’t have the time and if she does she’s too tired ? Some of us dearly want to be in a relationship but the reality with kids (especially if smaller and have more needs) can be different.
I think if a relationship is to develop you do need to spend some time together, or you drift apart. Perhaps organise a night or two away, I know myself and partner do this occasionally to regroup and remember what it’s like to be in a relationship. Or we take an afternoon lunch when we can, just random things that bring us together.
I know it’s a difficult one as both partners have to be on the same level.

Thanks you’re right it is difficult and I try to be understanding but it is frustrating when plans get cancelled at the last minute when we are together I enjoy myself and think she does as well. It’s my first proper relationship since my divorce so I guess I’m looking for a bit of reassurance

I would say cut your losses. It sounds like she’s just not into you. If she was she would be prioritising you but she’s not. So she’s probably just not that keen on you. Cut your losses and keep looking.

It shouldn't be that difficult so early on in a relationship...children yes I can understand but repeated tiredness excuses as well?! If someone wants to spend time with you they will make time for you, end of. Or show some other way they appreciate you/value the relationship by saying sorry and maybe making up for it a little bit later on.

You probably need to sit down with her and have a chat and explain how you're feeling. Maybe she doesn't realise. Its difficult with children but you have to put some effort into a relationship too if you want it to succeed. No harm in talking about it and seeing if she even realises the effect its having on you.

Ultimately in a relationship you're looking for someone to fulfil some of your needs, not all! There's all different areas that should take up your time/give you sense of worth but if a relationship is not making you happy or you feel discontented you need to communicate about it and even maybe move on if its not working for you both.

Thanks Rac. I’m wanting to strike the balance between understanding her situation and not being taken for granted my divorce came about through me and my ex not doing enough together and putting the effort in to the relationship to make it work so that’s not a path I want to go down again.

She has a high pressure job and she puts her all into it (one of the things I like/admire about her) her child free time is at a premium so I get that she is probably under pressure from friends as well to do things. It’s the short notice cancellations that are concerning me.

The time we share is good and the children all seem to get on well together.

I guess I could be overthinking the situation but a carefully worded chat with her just to see where we are at and what her expectations are wouldn’t hurt