Bath time

[EnglishRose1320]

Completely prepared to be told I am. DS is 12, has autism and has been unwell lately, very high aniexty and depression which lead to a hospital admission. Back home now and it's early days but he seems calmer, happier. Bedtime is a major issue for him, he was going to bed at 11 this evening, he was calm and had taken his medication. I was running my bath when he came up, he asked if he could have a bath. Now Ds has literally only had 1 bath this year (gross I know) but he is on sensory overload atm. I was so excited he wanted a bath that i said yes, jump in before me. Oh shouts up the stairs 'not a long one though, it's late' Ds starts wobbling about whether to have a bath, I say it's okay, jump in. Oh shouts again 'he can't have a long bath' I snap and tell him to stop interfering and tell DS he can have a long bath. DS refuses and goes to his room, oh huffs about down stairs and I have my bath. The thing is DS wouldn't of had a long bath which I why I didn't mention a time to him. I know we should be showing a united front and we shouldn't bicker in front of ds but oh tone is always so negative.
Now Ds who was previously calm is sitting on the edge of my bed, sobbing that he can't sleep and oh isn't walking to me.
So am I being unreasonable to be annoyed by oh? How could I have handled this better?

I would be raging. I don't know what to advise you, but yanbu.

YANBU. Negative instructions stress my DD out too.

But you could have handled it more calmly. If your DS is anything like my DD, the snapping between each other would have really upset him. I would have gone and spoken to OH after he shouted the first time and explained that you were excited and that you knew he wouldn't take long. That a bath was a big deal and you wanted to encourage him.

Thanks, I text oh pretty much that when I was sat next to ds trying to calm him down. You're right the shouting does stress ds out more and I could have avoided that. DS just asked if he could have a medium length bath, which is amazing for him, to move on this quickly and to try and compromise is great. I'm letting him have until 12 (if he had got in at 11 he would have been in bed by 11:15)

Yanbu. I would have flown downstairs and whispered to dh to chill out before it escalated.
I guess he was stressed at what was already a late night getting later and the impact this could have on your ds the next day?
Maybe try running ‘yourself’ an earlier bath I a few days and see if does the trick again?

Onemorecornetto- it was a slightly late night but much earlier than they were pre his new medication, when he would go to sleep anywhere between 1 and not at all. The last few months have been very draining on all of us and I think oh has probably just got to his limit.
Having my bath earlier is a good idea.

I’m surprised your OH seems to be unaware that any bath would be a victory at this stage.

Yes-I get that it was a relatively early night for him-I just know the panic that dh and I get when dd isn’t asleep by a certain time!

I hope he settles down well soon and you all get some rest-sounds like you’ve had a crap time

He got out of the bath when asked and is now in bed, hopefully he will fall asleep soon.
I'm going to try and chat to oh tomorrow without ds around so we can try and parent on the same page a bit more. Him responding to ds's needs a bit more, me being calmer and discussing things rather than snapping.

It would annoy me too!

Why can't they just see the bigger picture and just trust you to make the judgment call without interfering? And therefore making your life harder?

Ask him to consider before he speaks if what's happening impacts him in any way? No - butt out

Ask him to consider before he speaks if what's happening impacts him in any way? No - butt out

Except that isn't how I would parent, so I wouldn't expect my DH to do it.

Except that isn't how I would parent, so I wouldn't expect my DH to do it

Do you have a child who goes into meltdown? One whonthen takes a considerable amount of time to calm down - and therefore impacts (OP in this case?)

He caused a problem where there wasn't one - so yes he needs to butt out

Like I said, that isn't how I would do it. I wouldn't tolerate my DH telling me to 'butt out' of parenting decisions, and I wouldn't say that to him, meltdowns or none.