Donor sperm without anyone knowing

[PleaseDontHateMe]

As my name change suggests- please don't berate me I am depressed and desperate.

Does anyone know how sperm banks work? Would it be possible to get sperm to use for home insemination and not tell the sperm bank if you were successful in order to preserve your anonymity so you wouldn't have to be on the register and the child wouldn't know that he or she was conceived through a sperm donor?

In the UK you are unable to use donor sperm from a UK bank for home insemination. It's very strict.

However cryos in Denmark will ship to a home address in the UK. But you run the risk of it being stopped at customs.

And it's a very low percentage of it actually working.

You would not be obligated to tell them if you were pregnant as far as I am aware.

Thanks @juneybean so in the UK do you have to use donor sperm as part of fertility treatment? I've read something about that place in Denmark saying the donor is then the legal father of the child?

You can do it by informal arrangement and not through a clinic. I believe there are websites. Just need to consider the risks and ethics.

Unwind that…. Are you planning on lying to your (future) child forever?

Is it a good idea to become pregnant if you are depressed? Have you thought it all through? ie finance childcare etc

Why is anonymity so important? There are plenty of kids out there who are from donor sperm, why is it an issue?

Please talk to someone. You don’t sounds like you’re in the right place to be making big decisions.

I think if a woman wants to have a family, the lack of a relationship shouldn't stop her. However, I don't understand the hesitation to tell the child you went to a sperm bank? Presumably the alternative is to tell him/her that you don't know who the father is. I don't see how that's better.

I have donor conceived children. The banks are obliged to report gamete use to the hfea I believe. It’s not a public register though so anonymity is preserved.

Its illegal now to use anonymous donor sperm - ID must be released once the DCs reach a certain age. I guess there’s a way to lie to the bank about a pregnancy and then to mislead any DCs but it would be a bad idea I think.

What situation are you trying to avoid ?

Hi op. I've been considering using donor eggs and went to a talk about using donor eggs/sperm by the donor conception network. It was pointed out that in this day and age with dna tests readily available that it's practically impossible to keep the child in the dark. It's almost guaranteed that they will find out someday and it's so much worse when they find out by accident. Whether you go with an anonymous donor or not, I would think very hard about not telling any resulting children they were conceived by a donor. Good luck.

What are your main concerns?
The child wouldn't be in contact until they were an adult, and then only if both parties wished to be.

I personally think it would be much better to explain to the child that you really wanted him/her but didn't have someone to be a 'daddy' so went to a place that gave you a seed to help grow the baby or some similar explanation, than have the child wondering why their dad isnt around, if they didn't want them etc.

I think if a woman wants to have a family, the lack of a relationship shouldn't stop her

You're encouraging someone desperate / depressed in their own words, to do something incredibly protracted, irreversible and emotionally straining, have you stopped to think about the child's experience in this situation, being brought up by a single parent who may struggle to cope, and the impact it may have on them?

No doubt there are people who bring children up alone and do a good job. In some cases it can't be avoided. It can never be preferable, and shouldn't be encouraged over doing it in conjunction with a good partner to help, support, share the experience, and hopefully help the child understand the value of a functional relationship

Really reckless to egg the OP on given the nature / tone of their post

I do agree Samantha and I say that as a single mother by choice. But I think everyone was hoping the OP would say a bit more about her situation and advise from there. But nothing so far.

My DD was conceived with donor sperm, through a UK clinic, and as others say, they legally have to register the birth.

But I don't follow why you wouldn't want the child to know, and I think it sounds worrying. There's a long-running MN thread for women conceiving with donor sperm (and eggs, and all sorts) and really, something that comes up a lot is that you have to be at peace with the idea of a child knowing where they come from. Clinics will usually require you to have a counselling session to discuss these issues.

There's nothing bad about a child knowing, so far as I can see?

Many donors will leave a message for future children, too. Ours left a lovely message and I will be proud to show it to DD when she's big enough, and to explain that this generous person helped her to come into the world.

i have had two children from donor sperm,i was advised it was best to tell them in the future that they were from a donor

i did tell them and they were great

i would consider this carefully and think you need to look into help for the depression

You're encouraging someone desperate / depressed in their own words, to do something incredibly protracted, irreversible and emotionally straining, have you stopped to think about the child's experience in this situation, being brought up by a single parent who may struggle to cope, and the impact it may have on them?

My opinion exactly what I said. I didn't tell the OP to have a child, or encourage her to do so. I don't know her and have no opinion on whether she, specifically should seek to have a family.

I had a child with a sperm donor. He is not the father on my child. I do not understand what you are worried about.

What do you intend to tell the child when he/she asks about her dad?

I have a friend in the US who bought sperm for insemination and it worked first time and she was 42!

Whenever anyone said (and they did) ‘who’s it it?’ She would just look at them blankly and answer “mine”.

I realise this is of no help to you, but it makes me smile.