to not be able to sleep because I'm 28 and

[notlivingmybestlife]

don't have a boyfriend or any kind of savings :/

I go to sleep, wake up after an hour with a jolt thinking about this sad state of affairs. I drift back asleep and then am awake again by 5am.

I was in a 6 year relationship with someone I met at uni, he was a "nice guy" who would do anything for his friends/family but not for me- I knew I could never bring up moving in together or getting married. He was from a very well off catholic family who welcomed me and I genuinely still miss now.

He kissed a girl while on holiday, and would flirt heavily with others and message them. I'm really embarrassed that I didn't end the relationship, and in the end he broke up with me. Two weeks later he was in a new relationship with a 21-year old catholic girl, and they apparently had a beautiful wedding at the dorchester. We have so many mutual friends it's been almost impossible to not hear the details about his life agh.

During our relationship I randomly developed vulvodynia (unexplained pain in vulval area without a specific cause), this was a major factor in the breakdown of our relationship and I felt extremely pressured in having penetrative sex. We went on break because of this, and getting back together I felt that painful sex was a price I had to pay for being with him. I am actually cringing as I type this as I know how it must read. It has been three years and nothing seems to be helping it, and I don't see how I can go into a relationship. I have a close group of friends who know I go on dates and assume I'm just very very picky when it comes to men. It's ridiculous that I have no issue talking about sex but am to ashamed to admit I can't have it.

I chose to do a PhD in ALS genetics which I love (and fortunately should be able to get a job within my department when I finish) but obviously the trade off is very low pay. All my salary goes on rent/bills and the occasional fun night out. I'll never get out of the vicious renting cycle and terrified I'll never own my own property.

I feel like there are no nice men left. All my friends are in relationships, and I feel like no one understands what it's like to go sleep every night alone with no one to share this deep sense of impending doom. My mum keeps reminding me about how I'll be 30 soon as if I'm not already very much aware..

bump

What happens when you go out on dates? Do you like any of the guys you meet up with but feel you can't see them again?

Your LTR sounds like it has understandably damaged your self esteem. I can also see why you feel that you can’t get into a relationship but have you tried any of the Internet dating sites like Match etc? (Not tinder or POF!) it won’t be as straightforward given your difficulties but any guy you meet who is worth persuing won’t be put off.

The money side of things is actually I think pretty normal at the moment, so many people are living paycheck to paycheck because just living is so expensive. You are not alone. Talk to your friends! Tell them the real situation.

The uni guy sounds like a twat by the way, and he was never the one, sex or no sex.

First of all don't panic!! I left a relationship at 27 and had the same thoughts. Had to move back home. I'm now 35, married, pregnant and home owner. Things change. You cant expect them to change without some effort though. I did online dating until I found mr right. I would ask for a referral to a woman health physio about your pain, could be linked to overactive pelvic floor muscles. Psychotherapy can help too from what I've heard. As for owning your own home...unfortunately it's not a right. There are no easy ways unless you get financial support from family. Just a case of saving what you can. Do extra hours or a second job. Trust in yourself and things can change. Don't write yourself off. You're still very young.

Sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. Everything often feels worse at night when there’s nothing to distract you.

You’re still very young, there is plenty of time to find someone.The ‘nice guy’ you were with should be embarrassed for the way he treated you, not vice versa - you did nothing wrong. I wonder whether the unexplained pain was caused by the anxiety of the relationship and with someone more caring and patient you might be able to relax.

OP, you are so young (and I say that as someone younger than you!). I'm willing to bet that all of your friends are equally worried about money and relationships. I know I am, mostly because it's so hard out there today.

I think you need to take baby steps towards feeling better about your situation. Even just a little money saved a month is something - whether it's £10 or £50 - to get that habit started. You also need to work on your self-esteem before you start dating. Is there an NHS counselling service you could self-refer to in your area? I am in London and found it very helpful. Take care of yourself too - all the little things like eating healthier, getting some exercise, doing your nails or a face mask, will help you feel better.

Have you had any treatment for the vulvodynia? Sometimes the cause can be psychological and it does sound as though your self esteem has taken a knock both in the relationship and subsequently.

You might also want to think about CBT or counselling if you're feeling anxious.You might not be able to change your situation currently but you can change how you think about it.

I was in your situation in my late 20s. (But without the medical issues).

If you find someone to marry the financial problem sorts itself out because there are 2 incomes. I don't know what you can do about the medical problem - would pelvic floor trainer work? I don't know enough about these sorts of things.

Assuming you can fix the medical problem - how to find a good man? You won't find one in the old large group of friends who used to know you and your ex, and you won't find one through friends who are in relationships.

In my late 20s I made a conscious change because I got to a stage when I thought I would be married with children and I was not. I pulled back from old friends and went to things that I would normally do with friends / part of a group, alone. If you do this you have a good chance of meeting someone new quite quickly. Eg go to an art exhibition on your own. I found this worked very well for me & really nice single men would approach me if I was on my own.

Vulvodynia is so hard to deal with. It can test even the strongest relationship. And the worst thing is that most doctors, even a lot of gynaecologists, don’t know enough about it (or even know about it in the first place).

Have you come across the Vulval Pain Society? Check out their website, it’s really helpful. And if you live in or near London, ask your GP to refer you to the vulval pain clinic at the Royal Free Hospital. They are excellent.

Medication, women’s health physio and psychosexual therapy will all help.

I think once you feel you’re managing/ improving your vulvodynia everything else will seem better.

I agree with PPs btw, he wasn’t the one. And you still have time to find the one.

Not going to address the relationship aspect here, I'm no good at that kind of advice. But as for your career - you're going to have a PhD in genetics before you are 32. A postdoc starting salary is grade 7 at a UK university, so just over 30K, and the pension scheme is (at least for now!) quite good. Pick up as much as you can on the informatics side of genetics - scripting, basic databases, etc. If you want to go into industry and earn a higher salary, there's a serious shortage of people who have both genetics knowledge and informatics skills.

I too split up with someone when I was 28 and my mum said something similar. They’re of a different generation. Plenty of singles in their late 20s / early 30s these days, often been in long term relationships and have learnt from them. Have you tried something like meetup.com to try and widen your social circle and maybe meet men with similar interests but without the pressure of dating sites. Maybe not the meetup singles groups but the hiking/book club type (or whatever your interests are). Hiking and book groups are cheap to attend too - just the cost of a kindle download or a train ticket to the hike plus maybe a drink at the event.

I met my partner just under 7 years via meetup.

If it helps, I just turned 34. I have no relationship, lots of debt and lost my job last year. Oh and a million health issues
I panic occasionally

I'd address your medical issue and expire and push all avenues first then worry about relationships

Op, I finished a PhD in my late twenties with less than £100 to my name. I now have husband, children, mortgage - all of that can honestly come together really quickly and, as others have said, you are still young. It can be a grim stage when you are doing a PhD and all your friends seemed to have 'moved on', but it does end (and in my experience in ten years time, many of those who seemed to have it all sorted in their twenties may well be experiencing new and different life challenges).

I know nothing about your medical issues I'm afraid, but I wouldn't assume it meant you couldn't have a relationship. There are many lovely men who truly do support their partners. I'm so sorry this hasn't been your experience so far but wish you all the best for the future.

You sound like you were treated abominably by your ex, who now seems to be having a great time. Remember that is just what it looks like on the surface; I can’t imagine he’s suddenly become a completely different and much nice person. I almost pity the girl.
You are evidently a very intelligent and hardworking person, who tried hard to make your first relationship work. I am sure you will find someone more suitable now, who actually appreciates you. Don’t be scared to try online dating, lots of professional and academic types out there! I split from first serious relationship at 28 after living together 5 years. Met my fiancé a couple of years later. Actually had forgotten I deserved to meet someone who made me happy! I’m sure you will meet someone lovely

Sending you hugs and a reminder that you are so young. Men in their mid-30s to early 40s would snap you up! I didn't meet my husband until I was 35 and he is a gem. I hope you can get help for your medical condition before you do anything else. It's not right for you to have to suffer chronic pain. Good luck.

And sorry but I just have to say 21 is way too young to get married. Even if they did have a lovely Dorchester wedding, the odds are that your ex and his wife won't last. Not that you need to dwell on them for a second.

Your ex sounds like a pampered horrible self absorbed two timing rat whose lack of regard for what you are going through has lead you to think you re not worth much.

Try changing your expectations and challenging yourself to see the value in the PhD you re doing, in your own self worth- might be worth seeking some therapy to help you reframe this for yourself

You are alive. You have an education and you have your health. The world is your oyster. It truly truly is.

If I were you, or your friend I would suggest some counselling for:

1. The crappy relationship you endured
2. Your self esteem
3. Your sexual condition, I had a friend who had this and she worried it would affect future relationships but it actually was only an issue with one boyfriend. I now think it was her body rejecting him because they were a terrible match...

Invest some time into yourself and your welbeing. Loook at the big picture and all the excitement and joys that lie ahead.

Oh OP, please don’t despair! You are still very young with many years to meet Mr Right. I was you - at 28 I was in and out of a long term on off 6 year destructive relationship and had the very same deeply sad moments you describe, esp at bedtime. I too had a gynae issue but not yours, however it did stop me leaving earlier as I felt like damaged goods. At 31 I was married and pregnant - a lifetime away from what had gone before. I cannot tell you how glad I am everyday that the previous relationship failed and opened up the new doors.

Don’t despair. Get your issue checked out properly including help on how to deal jn a new relationship. Put yourself out there gently. Telling a new partner such an intimate detail really does separate the wheat from the chaff, most good men won’t mind a jot and will work with you on it.

Masses of luck. Open your mind to the future xx