To make ds2 wear shoes he's ripped get wet feet?

[mrsBeverleyGoldberg]

Ds2 has ripped his shoes including peeling off the sole. They cost £40. Ds1 has Aspergers so will have a meltdown in the shoe shop if we go straight from his school. I can't leave him by himself. Should I replace them today or let him get wet feet in the rain tomorrow?

I think that was kind OP. It must be hard for him.

Bit late now as you've bought them, but he could surely have worn trainers for the last few days of term? He's primary school not secondary.

I wouldn't punish him if its not a regular occurrence, apart from a lecture about not destroying stuff. Sounds like he's got it hard already and I know only too well the impact an SN child can have on the rest of the family.

I wonder if the picking at the soles was an anxiety thing as he seems to have been the focus of aggression when his DB has meltdowns. Is DS2 receiving any support as often support is focused on the DC with issues? I speak as a parent to a DS whose issues overshadowed our family.

Picking does sound like a symptom rather than naughtiness.

Sending you strength to deal with it.

feel like I should have made him wear them and get wet feet.

He did tho, on Monday. Sounds abit spiteful that you want you child to walk around with wet feet to teach him a lesson, he has it hard enough at home as it is with an aggressive brother which can’t be helped due to his disability but let’s chuck in wet cold feet to make it better

I don’t think it was a kind thing to do, I think it was the right thing to do. The picking sounds more like anxiety rather then being naughty like other posters have pointed out.

Whitneyhoustonsbathtub, I know. We are trapped in the cycle of trying to reduce ds1's stress. But I pacified him with a travel brochure when we got the shoes. I'm wary of ds1 having meltdowns when I'm on my own as he can get aggressive to his brother. Dh usually takes ds2 somewhere else. Also ds2 has started at a new school and is very embarrassed by the meltdowns as they are very loud. I'd hate it if people judged him because of his brother's behaviour. I feel the judgement on me when he meltsdown. Ds1 is bigger than me as well, so I can't pick him up like a toddler! We are having a really difficult time with ds1 and I do worry about the impact it has on ds2.

Hungrydonkey, ds2 doesn't have autism, it's ds1.
I didn't realise that his shoes were leaking on Monday.
I had an abusive childhood so I'm not really sure all the time what to do. I always try to be kind.

To be fair, I think they must have been on the way out anyway - I don't think most 10 year olds would be strong enough to rip the sole off and tear leather, unless its was already breaking.
Also would be worried about him tripping wearing them ripped (then you'd feel terrible!), so probably a good decision to replace them OP :-)

Sorry, totally misread that. Don’t stress about the judgement of others. I’m sure you’re doing a grand job.

Thank you Hungrydonkey.
Thank you everyone for being kind. I'm feeling frayed.

You’re doing a great job.

I have an autistic brother and as much my sister and I love him, it destroyed our childhoods. Everything we did had to go around him and still does. My sister moved to Oz and I am no contact with my parents and brother now.

Please try to put your other DS first sometimes. I bet you’re a great mum.

Thank you Whitney.

I’d have duck taped them together for the last few days of term.

(I may, in fact, have done this exact thing last week)

My aspie picks at stuff (wallpaper in downstairs loo) or at threads, holes, anything because it is there. He also thinks as soon as something isn't quite good enough it must be wrecked so new will be bought. He is much improved now he is an adult and has to use his own money but it is a sensory think - a bit like an itch that has to be scratched. I think wet feet might well have caused a meltdown so you did right. Personally, I do think you need to stop your other son screaming at him when he meltdowns. Look at the Jenifer Kingsley website for a book to explain meltdowns. They are overload and are not like a temper tantrum. Your son shouting at him is just going to make it worse so I think you do need to sort that out. Weighted shoulder blankets may help your aspie.

Ds1 is the autistic one screams during a meltdown. Ds2 doesn't do the screaming but did ruin his shoes.
In light of replies saying it could be anxiety causing ds2 to rip his shoes, I've told him we'll pay for the shoes.

Sorry if I've misunderstood but when ds1 screams at ds2 is this very frightening for ds2?
You say ds1 is bigger than you.
Is that where the anxiety is coming from?

I would send him to school in trainers (I'm presuming he has some) explaining to School exactly why and buy new once's over Easter.

Big hugs Beverley. Is that too unMumsnetty? I don't think people understand what a meltdown looks like until they've lived through it, and a lot of life is just survival.

I think you made the right choice regarding DS2's shoes.