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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you would have dealt with this (stubborn child)

25 replies

Onemorecornetto · 27/03/2018 13:31

Took dd (8) and ds (6) out on their bikes at the weekend. Dd’s idea.

About half way dd fell off. Scraped her elbows and knee. This is the first time she’s fallen off in years so I understand that it shocked her a bit and that scrapes are sore. Gave her a cuddle, asked if she wanted a drink or a snack (she didn’t) and suggested we carry on. At which point she said her bike was stupid and she never wanted to ride again.

I ignored this and carried on with ds for a bit while dh pushed her bike. After 10 mins or so she was still refusing to ride or push her bike so we decided to head back.
I told her that if she didn’t ride her bike she wouldn’t have time to stop at river on the route that she likes but she still refused.

Dh and ds went ahead and I pushed/carried the bike for a bit longer (15 mins or so).
Suggested once again that she get back on or at least push it herself when she said we might as well leave the bike where it was as she didn’t want it any more.

I was pretty cross about this attitude /ungrateulness plus grumpy from carrying the bike so said she wouldn’t be watching tv for a week unless she sorted herself out.
Eventually we caught up with the others and she was persuaded to cycle the last bit.

All happy after that but I’m sure I could have handled it better.

She often digs her heels in and I know she has immense sticking power. Tv is the only sanction she cares about. I’m sure she’d have been perfectly happy to leave her bike there and never see it again.

Sorry that’s so long.

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 13:34

Meh, she was unreasonable and stubborn. You can't spend hours waiting for the child to come around. Threatening a sanction you're happy to go through with is fine.

moreismore · 27/03/2018 13:34

I don’t think you handled it badly tbh. You have understood why she was behaving like that, you’ve recognised that you were fed up because of having to carry it and you have her a clear consequence for continuing to act badly. She’s old enough to know what good and bad behaviour is. Most importantly, it hadn’t the desired effect! I say well done!
You could potentially follow up with a chat when she’s more cheerful and try and come up with an alternative strategy together if the same thing comes up again? If you feel you need one...

MammaTJ · 27/03/2018 13:35

I wouldn't be punishing her for being upset she had fallen off her bike, for one! I would have been more sympathetic. Snacks and drinks do not take pain away, neither does threats.

Let her heal, then try to get her back on he bike, not by telling her she cannot watch TV, but by giving her positive encouragement. Poor little girl.

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 13:37

I think that you dealt with it adequately.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 13:38

I would have been more sympathetic.

What would you have done that is more sympathetic than cuddles, snack, drinks, a helping hand and time to calm down???

punchyKate · 27/03/2018 13:39

I'd give her a break; probably apologise.

Falling off a bike is frightening, embarrassing and sore and your wouldn't use threats to make an adult get back on a bike after they'd just hurt themselves.

I have 3 fingers taped up at the moment from falling off my bike at the weekend.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 13:40

She didn't threaten the child to get back on the bike. You might want to read the OP a bit better.

Original poster

Onemorecornetto · 27/03/2018 13:42

Mammatj-that is what my guilty conscience is telling me. Maybe if I’d given her more time initially then we would have had a different outcome.
But the punishment was for the attitude not the upset.
Also, I’m used to ds being the one to fall off and carry on while he’s dripping with blood!

OP posts:

Talith · 27/03/2018 13:51

I think you handled it well. It's not nice having a fall but these things do happen. At 8, prolonged grizzling/expecting other people to carry the bike/being ungrateful about having a bike at all are rather babyish so I'd probably have told her to stop behaving like a toddler.

Given she did as she was told in the end, you needn't mention the negative any more. Praise her lots for calming down (in the end) and say how brave and grown up you thought she was for getting back on and not letting the bike win! She did get back on and that's great. It can be used forever now as an example of "you know when you thought you couldn't... well, you did!"

BishopBrennansArse · 27/03/2018 13:52

When DS1 did this I told him I'd sell his xbox to reimburse me for the lost bike I paid for.

MammaTJ · 27/03/2018 13:54

Mammatj-that is what my guilty conscience is telling me. Maybe if I’d given her more time initially then we would have had a different outcome. Maybe.... who can tell now.

But the punishment was for the attitude not the upset., sorry, I misunderstood that.

Also, I’m used to ds being the one to fall off and carry on while he’s dripping with blood! My DS is the one who is a drama queen, though he cannot ride a bike at 11 years old!

Original poster

Onemorecornetto · 27/03/2018 13:59

Bishop-I have taken that approach before when she refused to take part in a dance lesson because I’d ‘brought the wrong clothes’ (the same ones she’d worn for the last few weeks), sat there sulking for an hour then calmly handed over £5 out of her money box when we got home to reimburse me the cost of the lesson. She now sorts her own clothes so I guess that was a win of sorts.

OP posts:

westeringhome · 27/03/2018 14:02

She obviously got a scare and hurt herself, not great to insist she got back on the bike or get punished. Sounds like you just ran out of patience as we all do from time to time. However, at the risk of sounding over dramatic, continuing to do that kind of thing might in the long term just teach her that she's not allowed to refuse to do stuff that makes her feel scared or hurt. She'd have probably got back on it quicker if you hadn't made such a fuss about forcing her. Plus it sounds like she was embarrassed too, and blaming the bike. The bigger deal you make of things, the bigger deal she'll make of things. Not sure what you're asking exactly but if it's advice for the future I would just say pick your battles

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/03/2018 14:02

One thing I used to do when mine were little was wait a week or so and then ask them how they'd deal with that exact situation if they were the adult and they had a child that age.

At the time though my blood would be boiling!

westeringhome · 27/03/2018 14:03

Sorry OP - just noticed your Q was in the thread title

prettypaws · 27/03/2018 14:07

Everyone has a limit and gets frustrated. Often we think of how we should manage our children rather than ourselves, it's not easy.

If you want to analyse, the punishment was unrelated to the cause of her upset and the resulting behaviour. A more helpful way of working with her could be to consider the needs behind her behaviour and what her behaviour was communicating. Frustration, sadness, fear etc. Punishment is usually a method of control to alleviate the parents inconvenience and discomfort at their child's difficult emotions. It usually depends on inflicting some negative emotions on a child who is already unable to process and deal with negative emotions (the cause of their behaviour) and the new fear has to be greater than the distress of what they're already experiencing (e.g. Loss of tv perceived as worse then upset of falling, fright, loss of confidence etc). It can be overwhelming for everyone.

If you think of the parenting situation in terms of 1) being a role model in both how we cope with difficulties and how we treat others and 2) teaching the skills required to cope and manage similar situations in future. Phrases like 'kids act bad when they feel bad' and 'they're doing their best with the skills they have - what help do they need to improve' can be useful in all sorts of situations from toddlers to teens.

The lesson behind no tv won't for example build empathy, trust, good communication, confidence, resilience etc. Punishment by it's nature causes the child to rely on external control and increases over time, as opposed to developing skills and healthy self reliance for future. Of course no one is perfect and it's often difficult at the time. It's very helpful to reflect, as you are, and think about more useful ways of approaching things in future. Sometimes to diffuse a situation it can be helpful to voice their difficulties, and state your boundaries and your own feelings.

Original poster

Onemorecornetto · 27/03/2018 14:44

Thank you prettypaws-that is good advice.

It just really pushes my buttons when she is/I perceive her to be ungrateful. I do the whole-‘so many children would be thrilled to have a nice bike/parents who took them out/ etc.’ (Mainly in my head but it just makes me more frustrated)
When thinking back she’s probably thinking they’re welcome to the bloody bike!)

OP posts:

NFATR · 27/03/2018 14:48

I wouldn't have been persuading or cajoling or pandering...I certainly wouldn't have been carrying her bike.
I would have told her to get up and cycle and expect her to do just that.

Original poster

Onemorecornetto · 27/03/2018 14:56

And if she didn’t? (She wouldn’t)

OP posts:

Original poster

Onemorecornetto · 27/03/2018 14:57

Nfatr and mammatj are pretty much echoing the conflicting voices in my head when it comes to dealing with dd!

OP posts:

Llanali · 27/03/2018 15:02

I think the handling was ok.

I also would like to know what «more sympathy» would look like?

When my four year old falls from her pony, she gets cuddles, some water and offer to ride straight home either on my horse or hers. Obviously if she’s not properly injured.

Ungrateful stroppy behaviour about not wanting a pony is not tolerated. I tell her if she doesn’t want to ride again we can discuss it at home when we are calm, but that no one is calling quits on a bad day and that no one is entitled to behave in such an ungrateful manner.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:06

There would be consequences, and they would not be pleasant. In my house it would be something like loss of xbox/tv privileges, I've found that to be very effective.

Thebookswereherfriends · 27/03/2018 15:10

In a similar situation I would have empathised a bit more. "Oh, that's sore, gave you a bit of a fright, I expect. We'll wait here until you feel ready to get back on." You then give her back a feeling of power which would have been knocked in the falling off. You're also subtly telling her there is an e expectation that she is going to be riding back.

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2018 15:34

I wouldn't have made her ride but I wouldn't have carried the bike for her, I'd have expected her to push it. Refusal would definitely have resulted in a sanction - you don't discard expensive possessions in a fit of pique.

KurriKurri · 27/03/2018 15:42

I think your subsequent post about the dance class clothing suggests your DD is a child who is easily embarrassed. I don;t suffer from embarrassment in general (only occasionally) but I do know people who basically feel really mortified if something happens that makes them feel different or inadequate or silly or whatever.
The thing about the bike being stupid does seem to indicate that actually she felt stupid for falling off and so transferred the blame to the bike.

I don't know how you overcome this - maybe think of some strategies for future occasions - ask her if she felt embarrassed, ask her what she would have like to have happened to make her feel better. (Perhaps she didn;t want cuddles and sympathy - she might have wanted very little fuss - or a very matter of fact approach to tending the scrapes and thne getting back on the bike)

I don't think threats and punishments really help - because people can't really help how they feel, it is better to try to address those feelings and for her to work out strategies of how to deal with them.

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