To suggest that Fathers are currently, very rarely ever equally responsible for their children?

[dated1988]

I realise it might be controversial, but the title speaks for itself.

My experiences suggest they are not. Maybe I'm unlucky within my social circles and life experiences but the bulk of parenting work I have seen is taken on by the mother. Yet in courts when separating, fathers push for equal contact time as they are "just as much of a parent". But were they at 50% of the doctors appointments for that child? Taking 50% of school holidays? And even when they do, is that because they have taken it upon themselves, or have they let the mother of their children do the organising, the planning, the worrying etc.

I know there are some fabulous exceptions to this rule, but isn't the fact they are exceptions part of the problem? Why is it that 50% (or more) dads are seen as something rare and celebrated, when mothers (by far and large) do that all the time?

Happy to hear stories of fathers who are equally responsible by the way, prove me wrong, because I'd like to think there is better out there than I have experienced!

What upsets me most is when men promise they'll be doing it with you as a team, then walk away.

Yes, personal experience.

My OH and I are pretty close to 50:50. We both work part-time and look after DD2 by ourselves on the days we're each home (DD1 is in school). On school/nursery days one of us drops off and the other picks up.

I do more of the assembly / sports day attendances, but my OH is fantastic at doing WFH on short notice for illnesses.

I do carry more of the mental load of child logistics (homework, play dates, b-day parties etc), but he does all the shopping and cooking. Plus he used to be a SAHD with DD1.

We're both very happy with the way our arrangement has worked out - we both get to continue our careers and still spend a fair amount of time with the kids. But it's only possible because we both respect the others' desire to carry on working, and pull together to make it happen.

So many times on here I read threads where the (usually) man values his career above that of his partner's. I couldn't be with someone who didn't view me as an equal in our professional lives, and who wasn't willing to take equal responsibility for our family life.

The tide is turning,

I actually don’t think it is. I wish it was, but I don’t see any positive change. If anything I think gender stereotypes and attitudes towards women are hardening - there’s a real anti feminist backlash.

I guess all I can do is try to work for equality at home and raise my sons to consider housework as much their responsibility as anyone else they share a home with.

My DH does at least 50% with his kids and not far off that with mine. My work is very irregular and I'm a farmer so I do more house chores than him currently. But he does 9/10 school runs.

I work away quite a bit and have done since DS was 6. I'm also at home for reasonably long stretches. I would say it works out at 50/50 between DH and myself.

Oh, also the vast majority of our uni friends who've had kids after us have enthusiastically taken up shared parental leave. I guess my social circle must be a bit unusual in that?

And in fairness the mental load is probably 90% me but when I ask him to do a shitty job like chasing debt or making a claim he does it 100%.

I found it was actually harder once our DC started school. Prior to that as shift workers DH and worked around each other and yes, we managed 50/50.

The societal norms began to have more impact as School custom meant most communication came through me. If I'm honest, DH probably disengaged too, and if I knew then what I know now I would have resisted! It's funny how it creeps up on you though.

When the expectations have been more direct though DH has been better at pushing back. When DD was quite small he took her to the Dra with a chest infection and was raging to be asked where Mum was. (NHS 12 hr shift). I have never been asked where Dad was when taking my children anywhere.

On the surface things appear to be changing but you don't have to look too deep to see how ingrained gender stereotypes are.

I know plenty of couples (including dp and I) who appear to share child rearing 50/50 with our strict rota of pick ups, bath/bedtimes and our dual careers and equal financial contributions.

But the endless mental load from making sure there's loo roll in the house and food in the fridge to sorting childcare to arranging playdates - is still falling to women.
On top of going out to work, they're coming home to another job.

Shared parental leave is great. Would be even better if the majority (rather than a tiny minority) were asking for it.

The sad part isn't that dads are being denied 50/50 childcare. Its that many don't really want it enough to make the sacrifices it involves.

I think child mental load and house mental load aren't the same thing, I do more thinking about DS (SAHM) but DH does more house/life mental load.

Tbh I can't picture it being practical for us being 50/50 with a baby/young toddler...we did all that extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, attachment parenty stuff with DS and hope to do it with future DC. But as he's getting older its getting closer to 50/50. I especially like it now I don't have to go across London to see PILs as often, DS and DH can just go together for a day trip.