To not want my ex to have lone contact

[vintagefluffy]

Me and my ex split up shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We had a lot of drama, he wanted me to have an abortion (said he'd kill himself if I didn't have one) I didn't terminate so we had no contact for around a month and then he decided he did want contact with the child.

Everything was going very well, we had regular contact about the baby and both decided that once the baby was born he would live with us for half of his time to help with the baby/develop a good bond with her. I do not trust him to look after her alone and I never would but more than happy for him to have contact with supervision from me.

Despite the fact we have been on good terms I'm very aware that he drinks a lot and also smokes weed a lot. To my knowledge he's stopped smoking as much but still drinks and has a questionable group of friends, so I've been extremely careful to keep him on my side because I don't want him to go for parental rights of the baby and get contact on his own with her.

(There's no way I'm putting him on the birth certificate but I'm very aware it wouldn't be difficult for him as the bio father to get parental rights)

It's now two weeks before she's due and my baby's dad has suddenly decided he does not want any contact with me and would rather go through court for contact than have to "deal with me" we ended up having a huge argument, I contacted his mother because I had no idea what else to do (seemed like a good idea at the time) even though she dislikes me I thought I might be able to get her to help him calm down about the situation. Anyway she blocked me and my babies dad told me to never contact him again as he'd rather go through court.

I've no idea what to do. I desperately do not want him to be allowed to look after the baby alone as he's not responsible, he uses drugs, he has anger problems, he can be abusing etc. I have little proof of this as he's quite the narcissistic sociopath.

I was thinking maybe I should allow him to be at the birth, get him back on side again and go from there.

I'm spending these last few days of pregnancy literally just sobbing. I've provided everything for the baby alone with no financial support from him. I've worked so hard to keep up a good relationship with him even when he's being difficult. What am I going to do?

Honestly? I would do nothing. I have been in your situation and my biggest regret was that I spent/wasted so much time trying to get my child's dad to care. I can bet he won't bother going through the courts. In any case a court would not order a tiny baby to spend any length of time away from the primary carer.

My child's father also cut contact 2 weeks before the birth; when I texted him to say his son had been born he smashed his phone on purpose and didn't get it fixed for two weeks so he didn't have to think about it.

Just let the loser go and concentrate on being a mum.

You will not ever get him truly "on side". Trust me. I'm almost four years into an almost identical situation.

He will appear to get on with you as long as you are dancing to his tune. As soon as you say no to an unreasonable demand eg a last min change of days for contact when its inconvenient for you or your child or whatever, he will switch if he is anything like my dds dad. I have spent the last few years putting myself out so he can have contact and we appear to be amicable to outsiders but of for example he asked to have her to stay tonight, id have to say no because of nursery and her hobby and we would be back to square one.

Do what you feel is best for your baby. Let him take you to court of needs be and don't have him at the birth if you don't want him there, its a major thing for you medically not a spectator sport for whoever wants tickets (and obviously baby doesn't appear until right at the end do you really feel comfortable with him being there for the hours leading up to that?)

Best of luck I really do hope things go well for you

I second do nothing ad see how it plays out. In reality you may want a resolution now so you can feel settled and focus on baby but even if you put one plan of action in place now it an still change.

In reality if he wanted to, even if you don't put baby's name on birth certificate, he can apply to the courts to have parental responsibility and it is likely they would grant it despite his alcohol and weed abuse.

Thing is, is he likely to bother? Everything you say about him suggests perhaps not.

If he did though and he proves he actually wants to be a dad then surely it is in the best interests of your child to allow him to be an active part of baby's life and build up to being a capable parent?

I have little proof of this as he's quite the narcissistic sociopath

And you have the necessary professional qualifications to diagnose that, do you?

Whether you like it or not, this man is your child's father. What gives you the right to not put his name on the birth certificate?

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of women who get pregnant then try and cut the father out of the child's life.

You sound very immature. I hope for your baby's sake you both grow up fast!

She isn't cutting him out though she is asking about lone contact for a newborn, why cant he have contact at her house as arranged? Because he doesn't want to "deal with" op? What exactly does he think she is going to do to him? Baby will need to be with mum for a while anyway, especially if bf and if he cared enough about his baby he would see that

Yeah I mean, he is the babies father, he has every right to have a relationship with his child without you there all the time, I think it would be very unfair on your child as well to not put her fathers name on her birth cert

Another thread where someone is suggesting that not putting the father on their child's birth certificate is acceptable!! Probably totally unacceptable of me to say but if he wasn't a good prospect as a parent then my suggestion would be to not have sex with him!

I hate stuff like this, I agree with the others who say it's horrible when a woman plays god with her child's life. He was good enough to lie down and make a baby with but now you don't want him having contact on his own! No you shouldn't always be there with him when he sees his child. And leaving him off the bc I don't agree with either. He is the father and should be named.

Why did his mother block you and why does he not want contact with you? Are you sure you’re not being a bit confrontational yourself?

The one that sounds manipulative and controlling is you. I can't blame him for going to court.

yes a drug taking, drinking loser who has made no financial contribution to buying anything for the baby sounds like just the sort of person who is going to make a brilliant Dad.

Just have to hope he either changes or goes away.

He sounds vile. I would leave him off the birth certificate and have nothing more to do with him. If he wants contact, let him go through the proper channels and then you can disclose his drug taking which may mean supervised contact. Hopefully he's full of shit and won't push for contact.

He has treated you appallingly, as has his mother. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I feel like the people here saying that "he was good enough to have sex with" and he should be allowed to have contact alone with the baby most likely have never been in a situation like this before.

He's decided he no longer wants contact with me there too because he's started seeing someone else and she wouldn't be comfortable with it.

I don't understand what is so controlling of me to not want to have to leave my baby with someone who I do not trust, who is abusive and who for the first couple of months told me he wished I'd lose the baby!

We were in what I thought was a happy and loving relationship for 18 months, he decided he wanted to do drugs and party and so we split up. Contraception fails sometimes, I didn't intend to have a baby with him but I am. I don't think It's that awful of me to allow him as much contact as he wishes with her but I expect to be there too

It is not a question of a mother deciding "not to put the fathers name on the certificate". It is a question of whether or not the father wants his name on the certificate and whether or not he can be arsed to turn up at the registration to do so. Since the OPs baby daddy has said he is not interested then she really has no options, All she can do is register the birth in her name.

If he is as abisive as you said then why do you want to be around him? You shouldn't want him in your house if that is the case. If he goes to court he will get access.

Why don’t you go for supervised contact in an access centre then?

Whether he is or isn’t on the birth certificate has no impact on his ability to take you to court for contact.

I what was the nature of the abuse? I ask because a court will only order supervised contact if they deem there is a risk to the child. You simply not trusting him is not enough.

Unfortunately for you it’s not your decision to make . He didn’t want the baby and you did so now he’s going to punish you for keeping her . Let him go through the courts if he wants to , chances are he will get bored .
Focus on you and your baby , you can’t change what he does or who he is .

OP I have already advised on the situation above but just wanted to add please look after yourself, don't tie yourself up in knots trying to contact him at the moment, you are due to give birth in two weeks, you could potentially have her this time tomorrow. Try not to cry and worry and stress, you need to just look to labour and birth and concentrate on that for the time being. Rest up while you can and just take care. Do you have a supportive birth partner? I would seriously just take things day by day and get the birth over with before worrying about courts and birth certificates etc

Do access centres still exist? Our local ones all shut.

I'm here as someone who has been in a very similar situation. I understand your concerns about unsupervised contact but the chances are the court won't rule in your favour. Contact will be limited for a newborn but will increase as the child gets older, with overnights and longer stretches as the child gets older.

Unless there is proof of abuse, drinking and drug taking, such as police involvement, the courts won't care what you say about this. He will certainly get contact. If it's to be supervised it's more likely to be by his mother. It won't be supervised by you.

Lots of people come on here talking about people who are bad parents and how they won't get contact, but it's not true.

It may be that he gives up, but there's a chance he won't, especially if his parents are pushing for him to be involved.

There is also a child to consider, of course. I have known people who are very bitter that their mother obstructed their relationship with their father.

I'm trying to paint a realistic picture for you. You will probably be in each other's lives in one way or another for a very long time.

As pp say I would do nothing and focus on yourself and your baby. If he's blocked contact, you can't let him know when you go into labour, when she's born, when you register her. That's his issue not yours.

If he takes you to court, fine, you've not said at all that you'll refuse him contact, no judge would award significant contact to a father when he's never met the child.

Once a supervised relationship has been established probably in a year or so, then you will probably be grateful for a little bit of time off and a chance to relax yourself.

In the meantime keep yourself from social media, look after yourself, and log anything he says or does that worries you.

Anyone attacking you on here please ignore, not only are you vulnerable but you also have a vulnerable baby to keep safe.

Hey OP I'm also debating how to handle my relationship with my baby's dad. Like you it wasn't planned (contraception failure) and we split before I even knew I was pregnant. We have a very different set of circumstances in our lives though we both want what's best.

I got a LOT of the same shit you're getting about being irresponsible/ he deserves to be on the BC / how dare I cut him out (I'm not , I want them to have a relationship but I want her to the safe as well)

So I understand how hard this is for you.

I would say though that with the drug taking, his worrisome behaviour and lack of interest I wouldn't name him. He can be added later if he acts like a father.

Hugs and don't let tjis get you down. Your DC will be here soon x

".... we both want what's best " should read you and I both want what's best for our Did sorry x

Ignore the pearl clutchers OP they have just flown in to give you the benefit of their extensive experience

My child's father isn't on the certificate because he couldn't be arsed to turn up. I'm fucking glad he didn't.