To think words like abusive, narcissistic, addict, etc are used too lightly

[kubex]

Everyday, new threads pop up on mumsnet containing the words 'emotionally abusive', 'addicted to porn', 'classic narcissist', 'he's gaslighting', etc etc and while I know these very serious things do happen, I don't believe that is the case for many of these threads.

For example, while many people are egotistical and self centered, narcissistic personality disorder is actually VERY rare, only affecting about 1% of the general population.

Also, all couples argue. Things get said in the heat of the moment. This is not emotional abuse. Nor is it financial abuse when your partner complains about the cost of something you bought.

The same with gaslighting - sometimes, people are just lying! Gaslighting is a very serious psychological abuse technique and not all lies are an attempt to gaslight someone.

Porn/sex addiction are also very serious problems - when they are actually addictions. Hiding the porn you watch from your partner because they disapprove isn't the same as secrecy because of an addiction. Neither is lying about watching porn because your partner told you to stop but you're a grown up and enjoy it. Cheating on a partner, even many times, is very rarely down to an actual sex addiction.

I feel like throwing these terms around for every little issue in a relationship really minimises the very serious situations some people are in.

AIBU to think that we all need to make an effort to give advice without actually making statements about people we are not qualified to make?

I was in a very abusive relationship for a long time - I only got out because I was hospitalised and my ex partner was arrested, then jailed.

Trying to understand the difference between abusive behaviours and normal relationship behaviours was made so much harder with people so quick to call everything abuse.

People labelling everything so flippantly is damaging rather than helpful.

@mrsmuddlepies

Got a link to that thread? Sounds worth a read.

Completely agree. Someone's partner wants them to stick to a budget and they are suddenly financially and emotionally abusive.

Mrsmuddle you're absolutely right: phrases describing genuine mental health issues or neurological conditions are becoming insults to be bandied about at in-laws, thoughtless work colleagues etc. "She's a narc" etc.

Does an enormous disservice to those genuinely affected.

Well, there you go, kubex, YMMV. It's had the opposite effect for me but that doesn't mean your experience isn't equally valid.

Maybe it would be best if people focused on behavior and saying "such and such behavior doesn't sound respectful/kind/acceptable" and leave the more medical terminology for medical professionals, but I guess you get the same thing with physical ailments too.

Punchy kate, The thread was called 'set up at work' and it has been taken down by Mumsnet. If you search you can see when it was taken down.
I think (even if it was fake) that it highlights some posters reading threads and thinking it is ok to use these kind of words in real life. It is clearly not acceptable to use them in a work environment. Seeing these terms on Mumsnet normalises them which is dangerous.

I absolutely hate this! There are a few posters who jump in and cry 'alcoholic!' at any mention of someone having had too much to drink. Not. Knowing. Your. Limits. Is. Not. Alcoholism.

"anxiety" is another one. Of course some people have generally life affecting MH problems. But being a bit nervous about speaking to a new person or about a job interview does not mean you have "anxiety"; it means you have perfectly normal human responses to things outside of your comfort zone.

@mrsmuddlepies - shame!

I'd always wanted to see what would happen if someone spoke in real life the way they do on the feminist boards.

As usual with these threads, I just hope that someone doesn't read it who is with/related to an abusive person with NPD. Because, having been used ito having their own feelings dismissed (yes, and having been gaslighted) they will be very likely to go back into their shell and not seek help.

NPD is estimated to affect 1 per cent of the population. I doubt that even as much as 1 per cent of the threads on here are about personality disorders - you get maybe one or two every other day, amongst the usual parking/CF/name after marriage/trans threads to name only a few of the regular AIBU topics. NPD is also a disorder that is rarely diagnosed by psychologists/psychiatrists, as it's a feature of the condition that they all think they're perfect and AFAIK only usually come across psychologists if they get in trouble with the law.

Narcissistic abuse is insidious and difficult to explain. The NPD armchair diagnosis allows victims to understand the dynamics behind it and find other people in a similar situation and get validation and understanding. You might argue that it should be possible to identify the abuse without labelling the abuser but as I say, it's usually pretty insidious and we don't really have much language for emotional abuse, although hopefully the conversation that's starting now about "coercive control" will give victims another label on which to hang their experiences.

And by the way, the idea that calling our abusers NPD makes us feel erudite is fucking risible. I have a chemistry PhD. I feel clever enough already, ta.

The NPD armchair diagnosis allows victims to understand the dynamics behind it and find other people in a similar situation and get validation and understanding

I disagree.

I think it just adds to the confusion. There's a very big difference between someone who is just selfish and self centered and someone with NPD. It's important that people understand that. Especially people recovering from abuse.

A chemistry PhD? Still the wrong kind of Doctor...

YABU
I agree with pinotnoir
imo emotional abuse and alcoholism are massively under reported and a lot of people are in denial about these things. Narcissim is a trickier issue and its more of a spectrum, traits rather than an official disorder

Why is it important for them to understand that OP? Maybe the main point should be that being treated badly by someone who is self centred and selfish is not okay

Because name calling is not acceptable. Do you think calling someone 'mental' or a 'div' is acceptable today if you argued that it helps other people understand what they are like?
I thought not, because we now recognise that to call someone mental even if they have mental health issues is not appropriate. It's the same as using 'narc' and other MN abusive terms. It minimises actual medical conditions.

I think the point I am trying to make is that posters absorb these abusive terms and start to use the lightly and without thinking and the they are shocked when these terms are perceived as terms of abuse in real life.

@cheeriosandcornflakes it's important because everyone is selfish or self-centered at times. It's important for people recovering from psychological abuse to know there is a difference because once you have suffered that kind of abuse, it can be hard to build healthy relationships.

Also disagree that armchair diagnosis is helpful.
How does misdiagnosis help anyone? Having advice from others who have similarly suffered is of course helpful; or indeed someone with personal experience of a condition may well mention it and moot it as a possibility, but there are are too many offering little or no advice and doing the online equivalent of nodding sagely then declaring "Sounds like classic narc behaviour to me (a part time geography teacher)".

I had never heard of emetophobia until recently, but I saw a thread a few months ago where every second poster seemed to have it. One or two may well have done, but the rest, I imagine, just find vomit gross, same as everyone else. That is not a phobia.

So many conditions: including phobias, anxiety, OCD, NPD are all laid claim to and/or diagnosed far too freely by Google experts.
Genuine suffers' experiences are then diminished. My DD has OCD (yes, diagnosed by a psychiatrist) so badly that it is deemed a disability; when people say they are a bit OCD because they like a tidy desk, I have to bite my lip and suppress my sarcasm. Doesn't always work.

YANBU, there seems like a lot of threads where people want to label everything for some reason. No idea why?

YANBU

It really irks me when someone tries to minimalise their own behaviour by labelling someone as narcissistic.

The only one that I struggle with in your list is gaslighting. Although in the context of the original film, the purpose was to send her mad through the technique, there are many people who would rather gaslight than admit wrongdoing and this in itself can be damaging if that person has a history of bad behaviour and does it frequently enough.

I think people tend to label to compartmentalise what they are feeling which in turn enables them to set boundaries.

Narc is terribly overused on MN. Considering its rarity in reality it’s amazinh how many users can recognise and [armchair] diagnose someone with NPD.

If 1% of the population really does have narcissistic personality disorder I would find that a surprisingly high figure and not rare at all. It would mean several living on my my street misses point of thread

Just about everyone on MN has one of the following:
Narcissistic ex
Narcissistic MIL
Passive aggressive ex
Passive aggressive MIL
Emetophobia
Anxiety
Controlling ex
Controlling MIL
Bullying colleagues
Slim and very active children who will eat anything, ANYTHING I tell you!