For financial security to be important to me?

[JellyBean459]

Is it wrong for me to want to be in a relationship with someone who has a good job?

I have become single recently and while the last thing I want right now is another relationship, the breakup has made me think about what I want in future relationships.

While I have a decent career, it will never be exceptionally high earning. My ex had a wonderful job and because of that we never struggled and we were able to have nice things and not have to say no to too much.

I am not for one second suggesting that I would get into a relationship with someone for what they earned - love is above all else absolutely most important, but I can’t help but feel guilty that I would like to be in a relationship where financial security and comfort was part of it.

I would never choose to be a “kept woman” and will always want to work - no matter what my salary but I just wonder if I am wrong to want that extra assurance from a partner?

I should add that I am not from a particularly privileged background - I saw my parents struggle while I was growing up, which is a huge part of my wanting to feel secure and not constantly worried about money.

Yes and no. Do not trade financial security for kindness or true love. I did this and it has been a tough lesson to learn.

But you are sensible to ensure your partner and you are matched and have similar aspirations/means to enjoy life.

YANBU to want financial security.

YABU to want to obtain this via a partner.

What pinyata said.

Also 'financial security' is not the same as 'having nice things'. You are financially secure if your outgoings are less than your income, if you have insurance for your home and contents, as well as mortgage protection, if you have a reasonable pension, etc. Security is not about holidays and meals out and expensive stuff.

You should probably start thinking about what you can do yourself to improve your earning potential, rather than relying on someone else to earn the money. You will be much more financially secure if it's you earning it!

I work in the charity sector which is notoriously paid less than the average for the same job in different fields but I love what I do and it is giving back in some way to others, rather than just being a cog in a corporate machine - I want to be able to carry on as long as I can, to enable me to continue doing work which benefits others :)

It's ok to have whatever criteria you want for a partner, but you'll also need to bear in mind that other people will also have bottom lines. A high earner may feel the same as you do about financial security in a partner. And put bluntly, wealthy people tend to have more dating options. You'd need to either know you were bringing enough to the table to have a realistic chance of attracting one, or be willing to be single in preference to being with someone who earns what you do.

YANBU to want financial security.

YABU to want to obtain this via a partner.

^This.

Something about the idea of relying on a partner for financial security makes me deeply uncomfortable. If it happens, as it seems to have happened for you before, then great. But ywbu, I think, to pick someone with that in mind. You could miss out on someone really great just because you feel they don't earn enough. That wbu.

At the end of the day, if you earn enough to be comfortable it can never be taken away from you. If it comes from someone else, it can.

Having a partner with a good job does not guarantee financial security for you. My ex earned £250k a year. I still had to work or I didn’t have any money. Otherwise, he used money to control me. I now have my own financial security and would nevertheless go back to relying on anyone else....

............. sorrry - meant to say would never not nevertheless!!!!!

Whoa OP.
It's all very worthy to want to give to others and be self-sacrificing, but you do seem to be hypocritical in not applying the same to a potential partner!
What if you meet a fantastic person who is just like you? Wants to do work that gives rather than pays?
Aren't you just saying that you want to indulge yourself but have someone support you in your indulgence?

You could always be poor but worthy together you know........

I think it’s a bit hypocritical of you, to be honest.

You work in a sector that doesn’t pay highly for your skills (compared to other sectors), but you value your work (rightly so) and not being a “cog”. However, you want a partner who is well paid, so likely not a person who will be able to benefit as you have in terms of personal satisfaction at giving something back.

What if you met a lovely man who had a good job, but also for a charity so didn’t earn as much as he could. Would you prefer him to move into a more commercial industry to increase his earnings?

It's fair enough if you want someone sensible with money (living within their means and planning for the future etc).

Wanting a partner to fund things like fancy clothes, holidays or cars is golddigging. Keeping a low paid job wouldn't make you any less of a gold digger as you'd still expect someone else to fund your lifestyle. It's generally not a desirable trait in a partner but some wealthy people go for it anyway.

nothing wrong thinking about what you want in a partner.

It's no fun struggling and being penniless. But if you have enough to live on that should be sufficient without seeking out a mega earner. Who wouldn't choose rich over poor you'd think. But richer men sometimes have big egos and can be quite controlling. (Poor men also!) So try not to dwell too much on the size of your future partner's salary.

I was very clear that solvency mattered. My ex was financially irresponsible and I had to be the grown up. I wanted to be in a relationship with another grown up who lived within their means. DH earned a lot less than me when we met. Now he earns more but we have the same ideas about financial security so it works.

I think it's fine to want financial security.

I also happen to think it's fine to want to be with a man who is a good provider, if you want a traditional sort of a relationship. Note: this is different from wanting a rich man, because good providers are not necessarily rich and rich men are not necessarily good providers (see example of poster above whose ex was rich but selfish with money). If, for example, the opportunity to SAH for a few years with young DC is something you really want in life then it would be foolish not to at least think that through before getting serious with a man whose earning power or personal opinions are going to rule that one out.

But I think your post is actually really problematic because you're basically going to be comparing every man's earning power to that of your ex and that's a recipe for disaster. There's presumably a reason why your ex is your ex? What if you find yourself with a man who is kind, generous, has reasonable earning power and is happy to support you in your lower-earning job to provide a lifestyle that you'd never have by yourself, but is never going to be able to provide exactly the same level of "nice things" you had with your ex? That's when the balance tips from wanting financial security to being greedy and materialistic, imo.