To feel a bit miffed at sister's lack of 'loyalty'?

[AtavisticFrogface]

...actually not sure what I feel. My relationship with H is at an all time low - just do not see eye to eye on so many things and he refuses to discuss any problems. The atmosphere at home is difficult but he pretends that everything is ok when it suits him. I am making arrangements to separate as there is no joy left in our lives together.

So, against this backdrop my sister, who knows all about the stress and heartache I've been through, has sent him a birthday card 'with lots of love'. She has every right to of course as my family have always got on well with him but I can't help feeling that this is a little disloyal (she did tell me beforehand she was going to but I didn't want to appear unreasonable and just left it). Am I being petty to be slightly upset at this?

Is she the kind who always wants what you have?

Has she sent a similar card in previous years? If she would usually have sent a card, then she hasn't done anything wrong. You haven't actually left your husband yet. If she has never wished him happy birthday before, then yes, it's odd.

Yes a bit.

He's still her brother-in-law, you're still married and you're still living together.

There is nothing 'disloyal' about sending him a birthday card.

I would still send my brother in law a birthday card as I wouldn't want it to seem me and my sister and spoken about their relationship and that I had an opinion on it - is that wrong?

I also normally do put lots of love to anybody

Yabu. It's your argument, not hers. He's her brother in law whilst you're still together

My Sister and BIL divorced 9 years ago and we all still send him birthday and Christmas cards.

It's never crossed our minds not to?

Maybe she's trying to carry on as she normally would with him, in case you patch things up and you hold it against her that she sent him a card with 'regards' on it? I'm not trying to be flippant, but I think she is probably feeling a bit 'caught in the middle' and wants to do whatever creates the least drama.

She called you beforehand to warn you, which shows that she cares about your feelings and how you'll interpret the message.

I kept in contact with my ex-BIL, even to the extent that I invited him and their children to stay after they'd separated. I'd always got on well with him and she treated him appallingly (although the marital breakdown was probably 50:50).

Mind you, I don't like my sister, so the fact that this pissed her off was an added bonus. Is your relationship with your sister normally good?

Your sister needs to act as she has always done until you separate. It's not fair to expect otherwise because she could easily do something that turns what's left of your relationship - and hopefully the foundation for an amicable separation - sour.

The key is how does she normally behave, is that wording the norm?

Until you are separated she probably feels like she needs to carry on as normal. She doesn't want to either cause big fights between you because he thinks you have been talking about him and all your family hate him or that things between you both improve then she looks like a dick while you both are back to being happy again.

Until my sister/friends have actually separated I keep on doing what I’ve always done. I don’t feel it’s my place to make a point of the relationship changing until she does. Had I been going to interfere it would have been done properly, not PA’ly changing the way I sign birthday cards.

Yabu. Until you seperate there is always the chance you could change your mind. In that case your dsis could look rude to your husband and it may become a source of more fighting.

She probably warned you to make it clear she was just keeping up appearances. Unless she disagrees with you that your husband is the issue of your relationship problems, which i doubt since she has been supporting you.

Is she the kind who always wants what you have?
Not really - we are very different but get on well - and she has always sent him birthday cards.

Thanks for all your replies. You have confirmed what is the grown-up way to deal with this. I felt that if she hadn't sent it it would have somehow demonstrated she was supporting me.. But yes, you're right - there is nothing wrong with it..

But she is supporting you by hearing your pain. She is just choosing not to burn bridges until you do. If she continues after you split then it's different.

Oh my god this is ridiculous! Signing a card with lots of love is neither here nor there! Did you want her to write “kind regards”?
You are getting annoyed with your sister over something very silly.

Deshasafraisy I wasn't annoyed - I was just wondering whether I was slightly overreacting - and I now know I was!

Well done OP for accepting the views on here. My relationship came back from what should have been a point of no return. If my relatives had cut DH out then that would have been just to be more awkward thing to overcome when we got back together.

Whatever happens, I hope things work out okay for you x

Yabu.