To put my life in boxes

[NewBlueShoes345]

I suppose this is more an "Am I being unfair on myself" rather than an "Am I being unreasonable" but here goes...

I have just come out of a 3 year relationship – we lived together and I really thought that this was it and that I had found the man I would marry. I had an image in my head – my ideal (which unfortunately turned out not to be his) – to get engaged by around 26, married at around 28 and hopefully start having kids at the 30 mark.

I am now 25 and feel like my world is falling in on top of me, and everything I had hoped would be the case will never happen. While at the minute the last thing I can think about is getting into another relationship (this is all much to raw and I am still in the “I don’t think I will ever love again” phase – and even when I do, I would want to be with someone for at least 2 years before I considered marrying them), I wonder if I’m totally crazy to have put my life in boxes like this?

I know that nobody can say for sure the exact age they will be when x,y or z would happen but that is roughly the way I had hoped things would pan out.

I am a planner, I like to have a plan and structure and organisation and know what is next for me and this sudden upheaval of my life has put my anxiety through the roof (I am diagnosed, not just being overdramatic – I have depression also which also concerns me at a time like this).

This looking ahead into the future aspect has always and will always be a part of me but I just wonder am I to through caution to the wind completely (not sure I’ll manage mind) or is it normal to have goals and timelines like this in mind? I have read articles on thinking about this which elude to the fact that the ages I was hoping for are the “best” ages to do these things at and I suppose I am just panicking that these are no longer obtainable.

Please don’t tell me I’m a total fruitloop or a total control freak etc etc (I know my time lining may be OOO but it’s who I am) – I am really in a very fragile state – I just want to know how other people approach their life goals and see if I can feel in any way reassured and not like an old maid who should start stocking up on cats at 25!

Thanks in advance.

I've done similar, in the sense of visualising where I'd like to be in 5 years time and 10 years time, and then, instead of actively making steps towards them, I take opportunties as they arise providing the opportunity doesn't go completely against the 5 year or 10 year vision.

I've noticed two things:

1. I've achieved my goals
2. The way I've achieved them hasn't in any way been the way I envisaged them coming about. In a couple of cases I've reached the position I want to be in as a positive side effect of something that seemed quite negative at the time.

I'd also suggest that there's more chance of reaching goals that don't depend on another person doing their bit.

I did exactly the same at your age OP. All I can say is that although nothing in my life happened to the timeline I had planned I am incredibly relieved it didn't. I met DH at 29 and we've just had our first baby at 33 and all I can think is how grateful I didn't have a baby with the person I was dating when my 'plan' said I should have a baby!

It's okay to have goals, but don't put such tight timescales on them. If having a baby is your goal, having it with the right person is a million percent more important than having it at a particular age.

(Also, if it helps, when I broke up with my ex I was 28 and assumed I would also want to date someone for 2 years before getting married. Actually I knew instantly that I would marry him which made things a lot easier! So you just never know what will happen.)

Thank you @meredintofpandiculation - you're very right on the last point and I will do well to remember that in future!

Thank you @peachgreen - that gives me hope and I am so glad everything has worked out well for you! :)

Same OP. But I've come to realise that having your own dreams and goals that you can achieve is one thing, but the ones relying on others have a funny way of not turning out quite as you planned. Don't put pressure on yourself. Have the goals but scrap the time line. Give yourself time and permission to change your mind and be flexible. My twenties felt like I was rushing around working on some invisible clock and trying to ticking off boxes but the carefully ticked list collapsed and now looking back I'm glad it did. My thirties feels immensely less frantic and I'm coming to terms with lots of different ways of living a fabulous life away from the box ticking bullshit of the last decade. Totally recommend. If its meant to be it will be and fate is not working on your schedule, so let go and accept the total lack of control that you have over life. It's a exciting roller coaster not a production line. Good luck x