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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD

26 replies

Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 13:34

This is more of a what would you do, because I’m really torn!

So the background is that my 17 year old little sister has for a few years had doubts about her sexuality. She thinks she may be bisexual but has never had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend (she is pretty immature for her age, but she is a fantastic person!). A few years ago she was feeling really isolated because of this and asked for my advice about whether she should tell her best friend at school. I said people were a lot more open to these things than they used to be and if she felt comfortable doing so,
She should. She told this friend and this person ridiculed her and told the rest of the school, resulting in my sister being ostracised and having to move school. It was a terrible time and I never forgive myself for giving her this advice. My parents were very understanding about the whole thing but after what happened at her last school are very worried about the same thing hapening again to her so have encouraged her to wait until university before exploring any of this as school kids can be pretty mean.

So now to the present.
It’s my sisters 18th birthday in a few weeks and she has lots planned with family one night and friends another two nights and has asked me a few times if on a separate night I would take her to a gay nightclub. I have absolutely no issues with this and wouldn’t usually bother me at all, but after what happened at her last school I’m very nervous about doing the wrong thing. I mentioned what my sister wanted to our Mum and her initial reaction was no please don’t take her, then it changed to well if you do please don’t tell me, now on the night my sister and I were going to do something to celebrate my mum has said that she has too much planned for that weekend and will be exhausted if we go out too so she doesn’t want her to (which I know is just to try and stop us going to a gay club). So we have rescheduled for a couple of days before and as there’s really no reason why we shouldn’t go out at this time my mum hasn’t said anything.
Sorry for the long post,
Can I ask the people of mumsnet to tell me what they would do in this situation? I love my sister very much and I would hate for her to look back in years to come and think her sister hadnt been there for her when she needed it, but also I am very aware of what happened last time I tried to help her with this and I also don’t want to upset my parents. So, what would you do?

OP posts:
DietCokeGirrrrrl · 26/03/2018 13:38

I think your current plan sounds sensible. Your mum sounds like she has her own issues to deal with but you're doing the right thing by supporting your sister and being there for her. Go, and have a great time!

DeathStare · 26/03/2018 13:39

She's an adult. It's up to her where she goes, not your mum. If she wants to go to a gay club I'd take her.

Trinity66 · 26/03/2018 13:44

Take her and have a great night!

HollyBayTree · 26/03/2018 13:44

Is she not part of any LGBT community?

Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 13:45

Thank you everyone :) I was leaning towards taking her so it’s good to know my gut reaction was right! I will take her

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Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 13:49

No she isn’t, because she really is very immature for her age (although a bloody fantastic person, I have to say!) I think my mum is hoping it is just a phase of growing up, she usually is a really understanding person and not prejudiced at all I know it is just because of what happened at her last school, my sister was absolutely broken by the whole thing and my mum is terrified that she will be upset again. I have gently tried to tell her that she has been saying this for a few years now so there comes a point when it’s not ‘just a phase’, I really couldn’t care if my sister decide to marry a bloody Chest of drawers, I just want her to be happy!

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HateTheDF · 26/03/2018 13:49

I think you're definitely doing the right thing.

Your Mum obviously has some issues about it but taking your sister to a gay nightclub isn't going to turn her gay. If she's gay she's gay, if she's bisexual she's bisexual and if she's straight then she's straight. Taking her somewhere isn't going to change her sexuality, your sister just has to figure it out for herself.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/03/2018 13:51

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t take her. Because you’re worried about school mates finding out? Do you live in quite a homophobic area?

Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 13:54

It’s not the area, it’s more that after how upset she was when she told her friend following my advice and having to move school, (it really was an awful time, she told me she wanted to die) I’m terrified of doing anything or saying anything that could cause her trouble or upset again.

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Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 13:55

But I have decided to take her, it’s what she wants and that’s all that matters

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Charmatt · 26/03/2018 14:00

You shouldn't blame yourself for the reaction of the people at her previous school. You have been nothing but supportive. It sounds like your mum is finding it hard to reconcile that your sister may be gay, but part if her probably fears for a bad reaction from the community too.

I think your sister is pursuing feelings and needs support. She has obviously come to you because she trusts you and knows you don't judge her. I think you are a lovely supportive sister and should continue to help your sister - go and have fun with her.

Notevilstepmother · 26/03/2018 14:00

I’m sorry that her peers were horrible to her. I’m surprised in some ways becuase I thought these days it was less of an issue. I don’t mean to be critical of anyone who lives in a small town or rural area, but is this part of the issue? Perhaps it’s less of a big deal in cities?

She might find a LGB youth group helpful and possibly better than the club, as you say she is young for her age, but I totally think you should take her anyway if she want to go.

www.youngstonewall.org.uk/ Should help find something locally.

This is an example I found on google, I think most areas have similar groups. www.seftonyouth.co.uk/lgbtq/

Throwingthebomb · 26/03/2018 14:00

Im with @hatethedf - your sisters sexuality isn't going to change if she goes to a gay club. She's either straight, gay or bisexual and is trying to find out what she really likes. Take her and have a great time. If it turns out it's not for her then nothing lost you had a great night out. If she is gay or bisexual then she's found her place which is important to her growing up.

Don't worry about your mum she may have her own issues with it but she'll work through that - I would honestly assume she's concerned about the past tbh

MiddleClassProblem · 26/03/2018 14:05

But she doesn’t have to say where she went if she’s worried for the same result. And she’s still exploring how she feels - could be as simple as just attracted to people rather than labelling it. It might be 1 girl she finds attractive, it might be lots. I don’t think labelling, particularly early on is helpful as it can feel pressured to come to a conclusion to what you are rather than just finding connections with people on a natural course.

Gay clubs are pretty good, we went to them in our late teens with gay friends but straight ourselves. But again, if she doesn’t enjoy it it may not reflect on anything other than gay clubs not being her scene.

Look at it another way, if she wanted to go to a salsa night in her birthday, you’d take her. It’s her birthday, it’s up to her. If after an hour she didn’t like it, you’d roll on somewhere else. If she loved it you’d stay all night.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 26/03/2018 14:12

Hang on - should you not be taking her after she turns 18? :)

The only other thing I'd suggest is that this club is lesbian-friendly.

I'm not a lesbian but I do hang around a lot of young lesbians due to my work and I know that many clubs now are more 'queer' (meaning gay male and other assorted) and that women who fancy women are not really present. That could be intimidating for her.

diddl · 26/03/2018 14:14

Is it just you & her going?

In which case all the other stuff is irrelevant isn't it?

She just needs to be careful who if anyone, she confides in.

starkid · 26/03/2018 16:32

I'm glad you're going to take her, I'm sure you'll both have a great time! Smile Wine

Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 23:54

Thanks everyone for the advice, good to know I’m doing the right thing Smile

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Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 26/03/2018 23:56

Notevilstepmother thank you for the links, I’m going to take a look tomorrow and send them on to my sister!

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GlitterBurps · 27/03/2018 16:05

Just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful sister Smile

Assburgers · 27/03/2018 16:25

It wasn’t your fault that her peers acted the way they did. Your advice was sound. I’m telling you this because it looks like you’re thinking “fucked up last time, mustn’t fuck up this time”. But that’s not the case.

Kids can be brutal when they think you’re hiding something & they’ve got one over on you. Your approach was definitely better than your parents.

Anyway, glad to see you’re taking her. Have fun :)

Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 21:46

Thank you glitterburps and assburgers, made me feel a lot better Smile

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ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/03/2018 22:15

I'm a few days late to the party but yes I would say definitely take her, don't put too much pressure on it though, it's fantastic that she can talk to you and feels able to ask you this stuff- just keep doing what you're doing!

MumW · 29/03/2018 08:49

If it's any conciliation, I would have given the same advice in your situation. I'm really surprised that she got such a bad reaction as my DC's peers seem to take this in their stride as pretty 'normal'. I think that your DSis was just unlucky and to an extent the school was at fault for not teaching and supporting tolerance.

Original poster
Inbedbyeight · 29/03/2018 09:44

MumW her school was really awful, it is quite well known for dealing with bullying poorly, it was just a shame she didn't leave earlier!

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