To feel this way?

[BonBonBleu]

My weight bothers me. A lot .
It's the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing I think about at night .

I used to be very slim and now I'm a size 16/18.

I've been trying to lose weight for years now but I'm plagued by a chronic illness and disability , which defeats me every day.

I'm so exhausted I don't have the energy for "me" which in turn means I don't eat right or look after myself .

Because of how I feel about myself , I moved away from my home town to hide away .

I haven't seen my friends for years . I actively avoid any big family gatherings because I don't want to bump in to my family as I'm so embarrassed .

I panic if anyone whips a camera out and the pressure for photographs makes me snap at people or avoid the occasion altogether.

I can't live freely or plan to go places if I think I will see people I might know . I cancel plans or change them if I know I will bump in to others .

I can't eat in public at all because I'm so self conscious. Even talking about food makes me so uncomfortable.

This obviously makes events such as Easter and Christmas difficult as I won't eat a thing outside my home.

People do notice as DH family will make jokes about how I never eat , how can I be so big? Oh you must be one of those secret eaters !

I laugh along but I'm really holding back the tears .

Nobody knows how I feel , not even DH.

This is all because of my weight .

MIL is expecting us for Easter lunch and I already know I won't be going.

Is this normal self consciousness or AIBU?

It's not normal self conciousness, no. I advise professional help.

YANBU. I went from a 12 to a 16/18 and now down to a 10/12. I also have arthritis and other associated conditions.

I tried to pretend that the extra weight didn't bother me but now that it's gone I cringe at old pics of myself. I have so much more energy and feel a lot better in myself. My confidence has gone up and even things like clothes shopping are so much better.

I started swimming about 3 times a week, wh much I can do even when I have a flare. I've gone from someone who couldnt run up the road without being out of breath, to someone with actual muscles (?!) who is pretty fit considering.

I say this because if you are feeling crap the way you are, your only real options are to try to change yourself or change how you feel about yourself. But for the sake of your health and wellness I would be starting some kind of exercise and watching what you eat.

It is disordered eating, not 'normal' but you are not alone in feeling like this. You sound like you might be depressed and really stuck in these negative patterns - but I totally and utterly understand where you are coming from. I have a friend who got a GP referral for help with a very very similar problem. She had a psychologist referred to her who offered counselling and techniques to help cope and change. Maybe start there and see if you can make the change you need to take your life off pause? Good luck

But upon re-reading you do sound like you could be depressed, I would also recommend seeing someone as your reactions are quite extreme and go somewhat beyond the normal bounds of lack of confidence.

Thankyou for reading my post and responding each of you.

I don't feel depressed. I still enjoy things in life but I'm limited by my disability and the way I think about my weight .

DH had booked us tickets to an event I really wanted to go to.

When I realised (through Facebook) that my old friends were going to the same event , I told DH I had to work to avoid going .

The last time I saw these friends , I was slim and healthy . I couldn't bare the shock on their faces .

First of all the people who love you don't care about how big you are and anyone who judges you doesn't deserve your time or energy.

Secondly, how about you go to the event, you feel judged (rightly or wrongly & if they do judge you then they knobs so who cares what they think) then you set about changing it so the next time you see them they can say 'no way, bonbon, you look amazing, look how slim you are'.

There is no point in hiding away & if you feel like you can make a change and are ready for it then start now, but don't stop living in the meantime? Then get that help, make an appointment and tell all to the GP - NHS mental health services are on their knees but once you are in the system you should be able to get support to understand why and how to change and why you care so much what other people think.

I'm starting tomorrow.

I'm bone crushingly tired today.

Sometimes getting out is the main thing you need to do as it'll give you that push to start getting the weight off just bit by bit, staying in won't help because you'll always hide.

I don't know what your disability is but perhaps look up online how some people come to take the weight off themselves with similar/the same disbilities

And speak to a counselor or therapist, this also may help you overcome the insecurity.

Hope it works out for you xx