First time mum to be with crazy mother in law, need help desperately

[missmolly01]

HI Guys
New to this, I am 4 months pregnant with my first baby and I am very high risk, i have an extremely rare form of Muscle dystrophy and i also have hypothryiodism and i am up against it with my mil and need advice on what to do, bare with me while i try to get it all out, not great at setting up the scene but here is the story so far...!

She was always controlling and never really liked me due to me stealing her only son even though i try my best to involve her in everything and have sincerely tried to build a nice relationship with her as i lost my own mum at a young age and i moved to be with my husband so dont really have anyone close where i am now!, she has created a major issue during ever big life event we have had so far, example when we were getting married she had a boil on her back and told everyone she had cancer even though the doctor said it was just a boil (she is also a retired nurse so she knows) but was trying to create drama to take from the wedding, and so on with buying our first home she told everyone i was just a lodger because we werent married yet and i was a friend of my partner! (loads more on the house situation but wont bore you) and i never really had a foot to stand on with her due to my husband being stuck in the middle, well now i have fallen out with her, i was 8 weeks pregnant and had a first scan (hospital is bringing me in for a scan every few weeks due to high risk) and we asked her to come out to look at the scan pics, we had only told her and my dad so were very excited to share :) meanwhile she was a witness in a court case (minor one) and was making a huge deal about it, earlier the same day she had obviously told loads of people that we were expecting even though she wasnt supposed to and when she went to drum up some drama and get some sympathy she got the oh but dont you have a grand child to look foward too and she didnt get what she wanted out it and by the time she came out to us she was like an antichrist! we tried to make the most of it, gave her the scan pics and she threw them on the table with even looking at them and shouted at me for a half an hour about how i wasnt acknowledging how stressed she was and how i was taking it all away from her, we were both so stunned that we just stood there until i told her to leave, later on i had pains and a bleed and a trip to the hospital docs said that i was to stay away from stress like earlier that night, i was so mad with her, she knows what stress can do to a high risk like me and that this was her first and only grandchild, i rang her and told her that i was done with her and that i was blocking her from my life that she was still welcome to come out and see my husband but for my sake and babies sake we were staying away from her until she decided to change her ways, her answer to that was well im not talking to you until you apologise for stressing me out!, its been a blissful few months for me since and i have started to relax and enjoy being pregnant but shes started up again!! she is trying to manipulate a situation where i bump in to her because the court case is over now and she wants to use the pregnancy to get her attention again, we were out shopping the other day and she rang my husband who foolishly told her this and 5 mins later she rang again saying she locked herself out of the house and needs to be let in... I said to him no way am i going with you, leave me here and come back for me, when he went down she got thick with him because i wasnt with him and started rowing with him, she's doing it again now with easter, she's invited loads of family friends over for dinner telling them its to celebrate me being pregnant and then told my husband, thinking i wouldnt be strong enough to tell people whats going on or to embarrassed not to show up, now my husband has had enough of it and is starting to fight with me asking me will i not just go and move on, she has not once apologised or acknowledged what shes doing so no way but what do i do next, how can i get though the next few months with her pulling sneaky tricks and causing drama, i wish i could go into hiding but its a small area i live in... i have gone to a counsellor with my husband about a month ago and he said to either cut her out of my life or she needs to go to counselling herself but she refused to go when my husband put it to her. help please! thanks in advance

You poor thing-she sounds awful!

You really need your husband on side though.

What a nightmare... I think your husband has to step up to the plate and have very strong words with his ma.

Sounds like a really difficult situation. Id carry on doing what your doing and stick to your guns. Your health and your babies health is the priority and any sort of stress like you have said could affect both of those things. Ignore her until she can start being reasonable. Your husband definitely needs to back you up more, after all its his baby too that you are carrying and could potentially be put at risk. Focus on yourself and enjoy your pregnancy 🌼

Your husband is fighting with you instead of his mother? Ohhhh dear.

You have a husband problem and you need to sort it with him. Either he is on your and the baby's side, or he's on his mother's side.

If the latter, go tell him to live with her.

thank you everyone, your so good for taking the time to read my post, felt a little bit better even just writing it and getting it out of my system

You've got it sorted though, you've blocked her and you are avoiding her stress.

The person who is bypassing your defences is your DH. Why is he telling you any of this shit? He's the one causing the stress - tell him to keep whatever his mum is winding herself up about, to himself. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Sorry you’re feeling so stressed. IMHO you need to say to your dh that he is actually making the situation worse. Nothing should be more important to him than you and the baby. He needs to say to his mum he’s standing by you. This will only get worse if you don’t.

Put the onus on her. Tell your husband that if she calls you up and apologises (hint that flowers wouldn’t go amiss) then you’ll go to the easter lunch.

And it has to be a call and not a text but the first hint of stress or shouting and you’ll leave.
Make it clear that your reaction is formed from her actions so it’s up to her to choose the path of your family relationship

If he actually stepped away from her & her nonsense he'd find it a lot easier.

He needs to learn that like you-he doesn't have to do what she says.

Even if you get on well with your parents it still applies!

Stay away from the crazy bitch.

She sounds like an attention whore and trust me on this one... it won’t get better when the baby is born. It will get worse.

You need to tell your dh that whilst you respect the relationship he has with his mother, your priority is your child and it should be his too.

You mentioned he got thick with you- are you in Ireland? If so, I really do feel your pain. You need to be doubly strong with an Irish mammy been there done that and have the t-shirt.

If he’s still pussyfooting around his mum I’d ask him one question: who are you going to put first, your child or your mother?

Seems as though you’ve made all the concessions so far: tolerating her, counselling. It’s time she did something.

She's done nothing actively to apologise or she she understands what she has done is wrong.

She is now putting tons of pressures on your dh so he is in turn pressuring you. It's hideous. His pregnant wife.

Does he ever go to scans or hear health professionals tell you, you must avoid stress? Sometimes they need to hear it from someone else.

I would be ultra blunt, point to stomach and say, your child is in here, do you want me this baby or not because your actions and your mums are putting this babies life at risk causing me stress.

There is drama that is being caused by her, that is coming into your own house. Your DH talking about it all the time. You yourself may even be talking about her (or maybe you don't), or asking about her, or repeating scenarios about her with other people. All of that recreates her in your minds and keeps her power over you. Like the other poster says, ask your DH to stop talking about her in your house unless it's absolutely necessary.
There is another woman in your DHs life now and his mother is going to have to cope with that. We are all pack animals and the re-ordering of your pack and his pack is going on, and there is a struggle for the dominant female in his life. It sounds like you are a strong woman who can stand her ground. Her hosting the dinner is her attempt to say 'Hang on here, I'm the 'Mummy' around here and you guys are my kids, and therefore in my control'. She is not seeing that you are a new Family of your own either.
If your DH needs to go to counselling to stand up to her then he should do that. He can't 'unlove' his mother, but he can start to see where he can place boundaries to protect himself and his family from her intrusions.

Your health and your child come first. It is obvious MIL will never be happy so why try to appease her? You go there will be drama, don't go there will be drama. Stay at home, ask DH to keep you out of it as clearly it stresses you which you have been advised to avoid. Dig out the number of that counsellor as you won't of heard the last of it.