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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for the child maintenance

14 replies

stickystick · 25/03/2018 21:44

DC’s father stopped paying child maintenance two months ago - no warning, no explanation.
We had a “family arrangement” ie didn’t use the CSA, a) because they take a hefty cut, and b) because his finances are shall we say unconventional - they would probably bust the CSA’s calculator.
About 3 yrs ago he said how much he was willing to pay from now on, and I went along with it because it wasn’t far enough from reasonable to justify the huge expense and stress of going to court.

I don’t know if I WBU to ask him to pay me the money he owes and to start paying again.

The salient facts:

  • I have sole care
  • I work full time
  • I just got a fairly big promotion and pay rise - so the money isn’t so desperately needed for DC as it once was. The maintenance money has always been spent on childcare when I am at work, and very occasional babysitting, and I pay for absolutely everything else for me and DC myself.
Whereas
  • he is a multi millionaire (in asset terms)
  • he has two homes, both much bigger than mine
  • he doesn’t have a conventional job with a salary - he lives off unpredictable capital gains.
  • he has another DC under 18, for whom he pays private school fees and court ordered maintenance
  • he doesn’t see our DC much - maybe once a month for a few hours.

Relationship between us aren’t good at the moment so I know he will probably be very difficult and make me beg/fight for the money. Given I am earning a reasonable amount now, I can’t legitimately say I am relying on the money.

On the other hand, given he does virtually no childcare ever, I feel that as this is his only responsibility, he needs to meet it....

OP posts:
Gide · 25/03/2018 21:47

Just go brought the legal channels. He can afford it.

Eatalot · 25/03/2018 21:51

His responsibility is in no way less because you earn more. Your success and promotion should benefit you and your dd not ex.

Gemini69 · 25/03/2018 21:54

your Child is entitled to financial support from it's Father.. go Legal Flowers

Leeds2 · 25/03/2018 21:55

Go through legal channels. The parent of hi other child has obviously seen the benefit of doing this!

MissMogwai · 25/03/2018 21:57

It doesn't matter how much you earn or if you need the money. He should pay regardless.

Email him or message him so you've got a response in writing. Then if he still won't pay, go through CMS and let them sort it out.

froggybiby · 25/03/2018 22:02

I would go to the legal channels...and if you can live without put in a saving account for DC...It will come in handy when they go to uni/try to get on the property ladder Wink

Jobbieshitkakaboudin · 25/03/2018 22:05

Agree with PP. Go legal channels. You don't have to fight or beg -like you said, you don't need it. But your child is entitled to something.

Hispterwannabe · 25/03/2018 22:09

You are legally and morally entitled to receive maintenance and whilst it’s not ideal I think going down the court route to enforce legal action. Is probably your best bet. I’m going to have a similar issue with my ex. He is now claiming he’s not the father (even though I’ve offered him a pre-natal paternity test which he hasn’t taken up) and has said he’ll make it difficult for me to obtain maintenance. He’s just been sacked from his job and has set up as self employed (lawyer) so as to minimise payments.

I’ve explained to him that his refusal to take a paternity test when the baby is born would mean he would have to pay child maintenance even the most minimal amount. I wasn’t going to ask him for a penny but his most recent actions have changed my stance. I’ve instructed a London family law barrister to help me, we are going to use some recent case law to take into account his capital assets (including his most recently sold pension) when the CMS calculates maintenance.

ferriswheel · 25/03/2018 22:10

Yes. Omg you have to. My friend didnt and then her ex partner went and died. She is all sorts of expensive bother trying to prove her kids are entitled to something.

If she had lodged a request with the CMS her children's entitlement would date back from the time of the request.

Original poster
stickystick · 26/03/2018 23:12

hispterwannabe that is VERY interesting - there are recent cases of capital assets being counted?? DC’s father has always hidden behind the fact that his “income” is less than the CMS cut-off (about 2k a week if memory serves me) beyond which you can apply to court for top-up and the court can take these kinds of things into account. In fact right now he has managed his income down to virtually zero. I really hope your barrister can use these cases to get you the result you need!

DC’s father has a different arrangement for his other child because that was done as part of his divorce - which cost hundreds of thousands of legal fees...which all came out of their joint assets. I don’t have hundreds of thousands to drop on legal fees. I know from the legal mediation we went through that even this is hugely stressful too. Litigation takes up so much emotional energy and time and I don’t know if the possible gain can be worth it when I have a child to worry about and a job to hold down.

The one good thing is that five years ago I did go to the CMS (before they started charging) for a maintenance decision, and they made an award. So that is on record- although for the reasons mentioned above the size of the award was ridiculously small. In the end, after a lot of mediation we ended up with the family-based arrangement instead.

I am wondering whether shame might be more effective than litigation. I don’t think he would want his family to know he has abdicated all responsibility.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 26/03/2018 23:15

It's amazing isn't it? He's got all that and he wants his kids to have nothing. What is he thinking?

TOADfan · 26/03/2018 23:23

I would go to court if you can afford it. If your ex partner is not employed and hiding a wage it will be very hard for CMS to enforce any payments. He may have millions in assets etc but it won't count because it is based on income they can get evidence for via HMRC, wageslips or self assessment tax returns.

kamilamonica · 12/09/2019 10:17

I am not sure why more people don’t sign this. If you feel that the whole child support system is failing, try to change it and take actions. Every vote counts!

Petition: Set stricter penalties for parents that fail to pay child support

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/261618

kamilamonica · 12/09/2019 10:17

I am not sure why more people don’t sign this. If you feel that the whole child support system is failing, try to change it and take actions. Every vote counts!

Petition: Set stricter penalties for parents that fail to pay child support

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