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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fantasising about a near stranger?

10 replies

FeelingLikeASillyWoman · 24/03/2018 17:10

Name changed as, quite frankly, I'm feeling a bit silly.

Background: I'm in my late 30s and married to a lovely man. When we got together, our sex drives were somewhat different (mine was much higher), plus I had much more experience. DH was always very vanilla in the bedroom and so, I admit, I got a little bored and detached. Over the years, I ended up suppressing my sex drive to match my DH - to the point that we haven't had sex in years. I've always believed that this was fine as the relationship I was in prior to DH was sexually 'there' but also very abusive, so I figured that I had disordered thinking about intimacy. Whilst I've been with DH, I've put on a lot of weight, plus had a spell of being on antidepressants. All this meant that my sex drive completely vanished and so I was fine with the situation at home.

However, last week I met a new bloke at work. He's younger than me (in his early 30s), attractive and confident. We got on really well and he was being moderately flirty. I genuinely don't think that he had any interest in me whatsoever (I'm overweight and don't look after my appearance like I used to when I was younger) and I would never act on anything, but since then I can't stop daydreaming and fantasising about him. Really explicit stuff. To be honest, it's scared me a little as I thought I had no sex drive but it's suddenly come back with a vengeance.

I feel like an old, fat, silly woman who everyone would laugh at if they knew what was in her sordid thoughts. But I can't help but wonder if it's a sign that I need to change something with DH? Or whether it will pass and life will go back to normal. I'm also a bit worried about interacting with this bloke again - what if I come over as a schoolgirl with a crush?!

OP posts:
TolpuddleFarterOATB · 24/03/2018 17:22

I am in a very, very similar situation to you (and also had the passionate, abusive relationship before DH), and I've ended up having a few silly crushes, and have got caught up in the fantasy of it all.

Got no advice really is I have tended to go a bit daft, and it is like my logical brain has switched off. I would say though, that when you have a crush you are in danger of damaging your relationship as you can't have your head in two places at once.

What I have tried to do myself is lose a bit of weight, exercising and been thinking of making myself sexier. I think some of these crushes do come from feeling undesirable and invisible and wanting someone to lust after you. So I am working on making myself feel better and the crushes may hopefully subside.

bsbabas · 24/03/2018 18:05

Go give your husband a "good time"

LeighaJ · 24/03/2018 18:18

There's nothing normal about not having sex for years with your husband when it sounds like you're both physically able to.

As for the thoughts on your co-worker, I suppose that isn't any less creepy then people who have celebrity crushes, something I've never understood.

FeelingLikeASillyWoman · 24/03/2018 19:56

Thank you for replies.

Tolpuddle - sorry to hear you had similar crappy previous relationship too. I think you're totally right about it being about my feeling undesirable - I'm going to take this as a push to do something about my weight and appearance. Then hopefully I'll have more confidence to push things more with DH. If there's no progress there, then I suppose I'll have to reassess the relationship.

I don't 100% agree with the comment above that it's not 'normal' to not have sex, as I believe there are people who can both be happy in pretty well sexless relationships, but this whole encounter at work has made me realise that I'm obviously not one of those people and really miss sex.

OP posts:
Bundlesmads · 24/03/2018 20:03

Happened to me too. I think it’s an age thing. Your body giving you one last flush of hormones before the menopause to try and get you to reproduce.

KC225 · 24/03/2018 20:08

I think 'crushes' are a normal part of life. You say he flirted with you and so it awakened a dormant part of your being. That is entirely natural. Dont beat yiurslef up over that.

Can you possibly ignite a spark with your DH? Vanilla is a top ingredient if the recipe requires it.

FeelingLikeASillyWoman · 24/03/2018 20:16

KC225 That's such a beautiful thing to say. You're right as well - DH might not be Captain Pornstar, but he is a kind, caring and gentle man who loves me and has helped me through so much. That makes for a different kind of intimacy - I just need to work on reigniting it.

OP posts:
LARLARLAND · 24/03/2018 20:19

That's a really interesting post Bundlesmad

kaytee87 · 24/03/2018 20:24

Use this surge in sex drive to try and re-kindle things with your DH.
You sound like you love each other so it's worth trying.
Even if you don't go straight for sex, just increase the physical affection between you slowly, hold hands, kiss and cuddle more. Compliment each other, go on dates and see where it leads.

someonewhowonders · 24/03/2018 20:27

I'm the same. Husband is very vanilla but bedroom is reasonably ok in that it's periodical, however, I know this guy who is completely different to my husband. What I wouldn't give for him to take control of me just once I do not know! But it's all imaginary and would never happen so I just roll with it.

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