To wonder if I’ll ever get over being raped?

[User56783451]

Not really an aibu but usually get good responses here so am looking for some help. I had a perfect childhood with loving parents who provided me with every opportunity I could ever want. I studied hard at school and was determined to become a doctor, I got all a*’s and a’s on my gcse’s (Well 1 F but who needs geography anyway). 6 months into my first year at sixth form I was offered a lift home by a man I thought I could trust but I was wrong, I was held at knife point and raped by him and his friend. It ruined my life I dropped out of school and didn’t leave my house for a year, my parents were supportive but they didn’t really understand. A year later I started working at a ‘private men’s club’ I hit the drink hard and drugs when they were offered and started sleeping with some of the members for extra cash. It lasted about a year until I almost killed myself then I went into rehab and got myself together but I just drifted from job to job and never went out socially and had very few friends. 3 years ago I got a job and flat in London but I hated being there on my own and couldn’t sleep I would literally sit and stare out of the window all night every night, I started to suffer from depression so quit my job and found one less stressful and at 25 moved back in with my parents and I’m still here 3 years later. I have just got a new job it’s not amazing but the wage is good and hopefully I can turn in it into a long term career. I also started seeing someone 6 months ago he is amazing but I’m worried about sustaining a long term relationship with him, he knows basically what happened to me but I never went into many details as I don’t want to talk to him about it, I do love him and trust him implicitly but I hate being alone with him (that sounds so crazy) if I stay at his I can’t sleep so I lay awake all night or go to the lounge and watch tv until morning. I’m so sick of feeling like this it’s been 12 years and it sill haunts me. I’ve tried counselling but It doesn’t help and I really don’t want to take any medication. I don’t really know why I’m posting this or what I expect to gain but I’m hoping someone can offer some words of wisdom?

Oh darling, first of all I’m so sorry that happened to you x

You’re doing great - the job sounds good and the new man too, just take it slow, if he knows what’s happened (you don’t need to give details) he’ll understand why you need to have space etc.

In terms of your depression - what forms of counselling have you tried? I suffer too and tbh I found CBT useless. Have you accessed any local support groups?

I’m sorry this isn’t very helpful but I just wanted to say you sound like an incredibly brave and strong woman. Xxx

I am so sorry for what happened to you.

I am 28 years down the line from my rape and I will never get over it. But I have learned to live with it and acknowledge that what was done to me does not define me.

What support do you have in real life?

Thanks guys, my brother and parents are the only support I have in real life and I think there’re the only people I’ll ever truly trust. I feel like such a failure that I let it beat me when I used to have everything. I don’t have any friends as I push everybody away although I am starting to socialise with some of dp friends but obviously we’re not close and I feel nervous around them. I saw 2 girls I used to go to high school with last week they laughed when I said I was still living with my parents - they don’t know what happed so I can see why they think it’s weird, they’ve both got kids and one of them is married they said they thought I would have it all by now a career and a family but I have nothing.

You are NOT a failure. Anything but.

Life dealt you a shit hand with such a profound trauma at such a young age. It knocked you off course.

However you're still going (28?) and have loads of time to heal and process what happened and then go after what you want. If you still want to be a doctor, you could. There are medical students graduating in their forties.

That might not be what you want to do anymore and that's fine the point is you are not a failure and the trauma will not destroy you.

Fuck those girls for laughing, they just don't know and were too thoughtless for it to cross their mind there might be a good reason that someone's life goes in a different direction.

Hideous girls for laughing..

So sorry this has happened to you.

So much of recovery is luck; happening upon the right therapists at the right time etc

You've come a long way.... It really sounds likely with all the insomnia /fears that you may tick the boxes for ptsd.

Ive worked a lot with folk with ptsd. There is good treatment out there. Please don't be fobbed off

I'm sure it feels like you've been living this horrible narrative for ever. I'm sure things will improve when you get the right help. Please keep on to your doctor or see if you can access specialist help via rape crisis.

I'm 30 years post rape... My symptoms weren't very different to yours. I rarely think of my rape now. I had treatment about 14 years after the rape.
I'm sure once you get some decent treatment you'll have similar outcomes.

Im so sorry this happened to you. None of this is your fault.

You need to get proper professional help to cope with this traumatic event. You have done remarkably well considering you have had minimal therapy. Please go see your GP and request help by someone who is trained in helping rape victims.

Good luck and ignore those girls. You are nothing close to what a failure is. I admire your strength to get yourself out of bad situation and post here.

You are doing so well.
Bad things sometimes happen to good people.
Some good advise here.
I did find CBT very helpful but I feel the lady I saw was really good. Definitely find some form of therapy to help you through this. You can do this.

21 years post rape here. Like theoldestcat I've learned to live with it. I think there comes a point where you look back down the years and it's almost as if that was a different person to whom it happened.

What helped me was having the perpetrator caught and sent to prison. You don't mention if the men who committed this terrible crime were ever caught and punished. Might that be something to explore?

You mentioned you have had 'counseling', but that term covers a very broad range of treatment. I am currently seeing a psychotherapist, and it is making a huge difference to me. I have previously had counseling that made little difference to me, as they weren't trained to deal with my specific issues. What you describe is a horrendously traumatic experience, and I think you need to find the right person to help you deal with the aftermath of it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You’ve been through a huge trauma followed by years of shit. It’s no wonder you’re struggling. I don’t think anyone is violently raped and then feeling marvellous without a second thought. You are not a failure. You are a survivor.

I would look again at what is available either to help you deal with the trauma of the rape or your current anxiety or more ideally both. There is no shame in taking medication. The counselling you can get via your GP might not help but there are specialised services for people who’ve been raped/sexually assaulted.

I'm not in the U.K. but I think Rape Crisis can help with specific counselling. You need something specific, not chatting with a counsellor.

There is EMDR which is very effective in treating trauma, especially "single incidents" like a one off rape, even years later. It sounds like you've had other traumatic/very difficult things to deal with since then and it could help with some of those too.

There's also trauma focussed CBT. This is CBT specifically for trauma, not the regular CBT.

In EMDR you don't talk much about what happened - but you do have to picture it in your mind during the session (you learn some techniques first though, that's not the first session).

In trauma CBT there's more talking.

EMDR is pretty intense but works quickly.

Trauma focused CBT is less (slightly - it's different) intense and a bit slower.

But the answer is yes, there is DEFINITELY help. Especially because you know what it is to be loved by your family. That's a big help.

You've not failed anything by the way. You've done amazingly well to deal with this for so long.

Going to be totally honest that whatever therapy helps, it also requires emotional input from you. The therapist can't do it for you, they can accompany you though. But it's definitely doable and this stranger online is promising you that there's a way to feel better.

I also really recommend emdr. After 20 years of struggling with complex ptsd from childhood sexual abuse, I actually truly feel I've got over it. My emotions are finally where I was intellectually. (Feelings of guilt totally gone, no longer anxious)

I know for me it took 5 or 6 attempts at counselling- you have to find a counsellor that works well with you, don't be put off if the first one you try isn't a good fit.