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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Restraining order

29 replies

helpconfused · 23/03/2018 13:59

Posted elsewhere but not much traffic.
You are prob sick of my posts by now!

I wonder if anyone can advise...

ExP assaulted me whilst my son was in my arms. In my eyes this shows complete disregard for his wellbeing.

He entered a guilty at court to 'assault by beating', although is saying he didn't do it and I goaded him and wanted it to happen so I could get rid of him. That's what he is spinning to everyone who will listen. Was sent messages this morning by his sister to tell me all this and say I made most of it up.

Anyway, there is a two year restraining order in place regarding me. Nothing for my son. I want him to apply through family court and have supervised access in a contact centre, not just hand him over to an agreed 3rd party (there isn't anyone I agree on). His family are complaining about this and are saying I am punishing exP and DS just because I'm 'pissed off' with him.

Even though DS wasn't hurt (only because I held him so tight to me and didn't drop him) he was still involved as he was in my arms. ExP has had a psychiatric assessment and no mental health noted (I'm sure there is something underlying and think he only did this for court proceedings).

He had breached his bail and breached the restraining order now too.

Is there nothing more I can do to protect my son? Do I just have to let him see him when he asks?

OP posts:
geekone · 23/03/2018 14:07

You don't have to let him see your child at all. If he wants he can take you to court. Or you could apply for supervised access in a contact centre then it's there and when he refuses you have your answer. He is just trying to control you again even from afar. Good luck opFlowers

Camelsinthegobi · 23/03/2018 14:10

You don’t have to let him see your DS unless court ordered. Let your ex apply to the family court if he wants contact. Keep all your records of offering him supervised contact, etc., and all evidence of messages he sends you. I.e., get prepared to provide evidence about why supervised contact is the only safe option.

Camelsinthegobi · 23/03/2018 14:11

Ps you’re doing the right thing for your son x

Original poster
helpconfused · 23/03/2018 14:29

Thank you. I am being pressured by the family. As well as being labelled a 'liar' I am also 'spiteful' and using DS as a weapon.
I'm just trying to protect him.

OP posts:
Camelsinthegobi · 23/03/2018 19:44

Try to disengage from them. You don’t have to see them or talk to them any more and they’re unlikely to be able to see their beloved son/brother/etc (your ex) as an abuser. Block them from your phone and social media. Have you herd about the Freedom course?

TheOnlyLivingMumInNewCross · 23/03/2018 19:55

A good friend was in much the same situation and his family were exactly as pushy and rude to her.
She got a non-molestation order against them which also means if they continue to message they will be arrested.
Agree with pp who said keep records and screen grabs of all conversations. Don't engage at all however much you feel obliged to due to your DC.
The fact is he admitted guilt and was dealt with over it. If he breaches his restraining order call the police as they will act and it will not help him when he does apply for contact. Do not run this yourself and do not feel pressured by anyone to hand your child over to a third party you don't trust.
Good luck Flowers

bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/03/2018 20:04

National Centre for Domestic Violence they will help you get a Non Molestation order and they do not charge for their services. I also suggest getting advice from Stepping Stones if they are in your area or going to your local CAB to find out what support services are available. You need a plan op. Good luck.

Original poster
helpconfused · 23/03/2018 20:47

Thank you all.
Yes they have given me the Freedom information.

I'm currently waiting for the police, who I called at 8pm in Wednesday to show up. I have made three calls about him breaking the restraining order. They rang this morning to say they will come At 7pm... Hmm

I had already blocked him and removed most of his family from any messenger services/social media. The sister has now also been removed after starting again late this afternoon.

OP posts:
Camelsinthegobi · 24/03/2018 05:29

Tgat all sounds good. Keep going!

Original poster
helpconfused · 03/04/2018 14:08

Update -

so he has been with the police to the house and collected his belongings. He was told by the police to take what was in the kitchen loft and nothing else. He arrived before the police did and knocked the door (I wasn't there). He shouted about the fact that I wasn't there. He then got his stuff, along with some of mine, and put it in a van. He went into every room in the house, even removing items from our sons room - took a frame from the wall, a toy from his bed that he sleeps with and his birth/first year keepsake box. He took the diary that I have been making a log about all of this in. He tried to take my work ID. He returned to the property after the police had left. I later returned to find things damaged - landing carpet cut in 5 places right through to underlay, kitchen cupboard door wrenched off the top hinge and two drawers broken off the runners. I reported all to police, who came back out and said 'sorry - there is nothing we can do'. So infuriating!!

To top it off, someone let down my car tyre Sat/Sunday.

I have had enough!

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2018 14:16

Is he on your tenancy?

Original poster
helpconfused · 03/04/2018 14:22

Yes he is. Makes it even harder. I have given then HA the crime reference number, hopefully they won't charge considering the situation for the damage to the kitchen.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2018 14:28

God, he's a fucking loser, isn't he

Twickerhun · 03/04/2018 14:35

That’s pretty understated of you anyfucker

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 03/04/2018 14:40

Did you use a Solicitor? Ask them to make an application for him to be committed for the breaches.

Leave the contact issue for him to apply. You also need to be aware that “supervised” contact is unlikely to be one on one supervision. It’s usually “supported” contact - a room full of families in similar situations to yours with one or two people watching over.

Original poster
helpconfused · 03/04/2018 14:50

No, I consulted a solicitor but I can't afford one and I don't qualify for legal aid.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2018 14:56

I’m assuming you didn’t qualify on income based grounds rather than merit?

You can get a court order to remove him from the tenancy which would mean you can have the locks changed which may make you a bit safer.

Does your protection order contain anything about him coming to the address? Or inciting third parties to harass you

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/04/2018 14:57

How did he get in Confused? Can't you have him done for breaking in?

Original poster
helpconfused · 03/04/2018 15:02

He is not to come to the street, or contact me directly or indirectly for 24 months.

I can't afford a solicitor or to take him to court either.
I have changed the locks anyway for now.

He attended with police to get his belongings - this was stipulated on the restraining order and pre arranged. After it had all been taken and the police had left he came back, he was not let into the house but he shouldn't have come into the street at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpconfused · 03/04/2018 15:03

The damage was done whilst he was in the property removing things. He brought two other people with him. The police officer stayed in the living room as he was 'there to keep the peace, not follow them around'.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpconfused · 12/04/2018 22:17

Update: had a call today.
Anonymous report to social services regarding my sons welfare.

This isn't going to end any time soon is it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/04/2018 22:24

I would consider relocating via a refuge - ring Woman's Aid and see what advice they have Thanks

If they can help you "disappear" I would take it.

Gilead · 12/04/2018 22:25

If there is a power of arrest attached to the restraining order then the police have to arrest him.

Original poster
helpconfused · 12/04/2018 22:30

Crisis worker is trying to do something called a 'victim review' (I think)to see if the police will overturn their decision about not arresting him over the two breaches.
Doesn't say 'power to arrest' but does say any breach can be punishable by up to 5 years!

I've totally had enough now.
Surely nothing else can happen?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
helpconfused · 12/04/2018 22:32

I was offered a refuge.
I want to try to keep routine for my son, we have children's service involvement weekly.
I have work. It's not easy to just 'disappear'. For how long? All of my family/friends are here.

OP posts: