to ask how to avoid playdates without causing offence.

[CampariSpritz]

I am still close with my NCT chums even though the children are now 3. We don’t meet as a group often due to different dynamics and routines (some back at work including me). I’m going on maternity leave shortly and one of the group keeps making suggestions for meeting up/playdates/activities (she is SAHM). I like her very much: she is a good friend and I do want to see her for drinks/dinner (when we get the chance). The problem is my DD really strongly dislikes her DS. This is due to hair pulling, biting etc. She just doesn’t want to play with him. I’m not inclined to force her but I don’t want to offend my friend. I’ve repeatedly dodged suggestions of playdates over the past year but it is going to become harder when I am off. Any suggestions on a gentle way of deflecting playdates without sounding like I am criticising her parenting or her child? Thanks! For context, I don’t think DD is being a snowflake. She is fairly resilient but got fed up of getting her fingers trapped in the playhouse door / bitten / hair pulled etc. In fairness, I wouldn’t like that either! Equally, he is only 3 and will likely grow out of it.

It's a nightmare. If you say anything real you will cause great offence, but it's not okay to force this on your DD. How does the friend respond to her son's behaviour?

When was the last time your dd and her ds played? Does it do it every time?

You could always reply something like 'I feel like we never get to catch up properly when we're with the kids, let's organise a night out instead'

Just tell her you’d prefer to see her without the kids so you can catch up properly.

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could you meet up but at park or playgroup type places where you can still meet up but the kids aren't forced to play together? I can't really think of a way to get out any meetings without offending her . how long ago was it since you last met up as her little one may be out of that phase now if it's been a while ?

Suggest a visit to the cinema and make sure you sit between the two dc?

Her ds will most likely grow out of it and having another pair ofhands when you have 2 is invaluable. I certainly wouldn't say anything now as you might be grateful of the help when your baby's born! How does she react to the biting etc?

Just tell her. I was friends with a school mum and Ds2 didn't like playing with her ds, so I told her, and said we should meet for coffee and go for nights out. We are still friends.

Depending on when you last met up things could have changed, and her DS could have grown out of that horrid behaviour. I would agree to a play date to test the waters. Keep a close eye on things and if her DS behaves badly, be vocal about it and kindly make sure your friend is aware each time he does it. Next time a play date is suggested you can reference the issues previously and say they don't seem to be well matched at the moment so perhaps you should meet as just adults for a while. She can't really get offended with you for not wanting your DD hurt by hers, especially when she's seen it so recently.

Thank you for confirming my instinct that there is no way of saying anything meaningful without offending her. She doesn’t tackle his behaviour but in fairness she does have her hands very full: twin DSs arrived a year after first DS so she doesn’t even notice DS1’s behaviour. We last met up a few months’ ago. Something happened when my back was turned and then DD was howling (quite out of character) and we had to leave. I’ll go with suggesting evenings with her (which are lovely) and will have to be crafty with my excuses for day time.

I’m not sure that’s going to work if a group of you are still friends, unless you don’t meet with the others in the daytime either.

I’d choose the venue & activity carefully, do my best to watch them, I’d say to ‘both’ of them that they need to play nicely and be careful not to hurt each other, then tell him off if he deliberately hurt DD. A couple of tries at this, then I’d tell my friend that DD doesn’t want to play with her DS ‘at the moment’ as he always manages to hurt her. Maybe arrange a couple of meet ups without him when he’s at nursery or whatever.

You don’t want to ruin the friendship so keep deflecting. My friend’s DS is a year older than my DD and he was a hitter so we avoided play dates. Now he is the sweetest 7 year old and they are good friends.

So she has a 3 year old plus 2 year old twins? Her eldest most likely desperate for some attention , maybe you could focus on playing with him and your dd together?

I would do a combination of fudging - making out I'm busier than I am and leaving gaps between meet ups - and arranging to meet in public places where it's not just your children. the kids can play with others and the mums can chat.

If they're 3 are they at preschool? Can you do meet ups with just the little ones?

He will probably change. Some toddlers are just like that (and are not 'evil'). Must be tough to have twin baby brothers! I think it's definitely worth trying to keep the friendship in whatever way you can. Could you say something like 'I adore Billy but he is too rough for my daughter - I think they're just at different stages' or whatever - and make it clear that you still value her (and like her kids). She's probably embarrassed about it too.

Thank you all for your suggestions, which I shall try (particularly a few gos at public places). Yes, the twin brothers arriving when he was very little has meant less attention: no one’s fault and he should grow out of it.

Yes public spaces are good, also suggestions if meeting without the kids for a proper catch up.

also a) you sound nice and b) I want a campari spritz NOW

Thank you Odoreida (I’ll drink an aperol spritz, but campari much better - def off thread!).