Worried about neighbours

[Adnerb95]

Really not sure whether we should do/say something. Neighbours are a couple of retired women - have lived next door to them for 16 years. No problems really until the last couple of years.

Aware that NDN 1 is a bit intense, a bit highly-strung but generally OK. NDN 2 is a bit chattier, v together and pleasant. Tbh they are normally quiet, keep themselves to themselves type neighbours. They got married last year and have always seemed settled and happy in their relationship.

Starting about 2 years ago, we started hearing really quite loud arguments ( our sound insulation is really good - old Cottage - so you have to be really noisy to be heard between the walls). When there are arguments, it is always NDN1 shouting. We have never heard NDN2 raise her voice at all. They have quite distinct tones to their voices - one much higher-pitched, the other much lower. So it's easy to distinguish between the two.

Over the last 18 months these episodes have got more frequent and in the last few weeks, it is often a couple of times a week. The intensity has increased as well and several times recently, it sounds as if NDN1 is screaming with rage. She sounds completely out of control.

NDN2 had cancer a couple of years ago and is now in remission we think. We are really quite concerned for their welfare but you can't say anything, can you? And it would be completely OTT to report, but then what if we find out it has tipped over into physical stuff?

I'm a great believer in let and let live but then would hate to think that something really bad was going on and we did nothing!

What do you think MN?

Mmm. Do you ever see the quiet one on her own?

Could it perhaps be the on set of dementia? People can get quite angry when confused.

You said it would be totally OTT to report. I suppose all you can do if you are concerned it’s got physical is call the police?

Can you ask the quieter neighbour?

It is fine to live and let live but it is not so good when arguments from next door come through the walls into your house.
I have also noticed an increase of noise from my NDNs. They have been in the house many years and us much longer. Never used to hear anything. Now it seems that even with tv on I can hear the NDNs. As they are in their 60s I did wonder if they are going deaf. I hear one more than the other.

It is difficult to know what to do. Could be regarded as nosey neighbours if anything is said to NDN but it would be awful if damage was being done to one or other.

In addition to dementia there's a number of other possibilities or even several happening at once especially if one has had cancer depending on the type there may be medical issues resulting from that or treatment.

You may feel reluctant to "report" but ss aren't a boogey man, they're there to help people.

No reason you couldn't call your local ss or even an organisation like age uk for advice, anonymously even.

Next time they are arguing ring the police. Domestic abuse doesn't have to be physical, and if it's got you concerned then it's obviously more than just an occasional tiff. The police aren't going to disclose that it was you that made the call

Do you think you could just knock on the door and ask? From your version the arguments started a year before they got married. Invite the NDN2 round for coffee and cake? Or bring it round yourself and speak to them both and explain your concerns.
If nothing works, do you have contacts for their relatives?

Or as PPs have said, short cut it and go to the social services.

We used to live next door to an older widowed man and his two adult sons when I was growing up. As the dad got older my parents were concerned that the sons were always shouting at him, and my dad eventually went through one night and asked if everything was okay. It transpired that he had been fitted with hearing aids, hated wearing them, so only used them out of the house (so my parents had never realised how deaf he actually was). My mum was mortified, but one of the sons actually stopped her in the street a few days later to say they were really touched to know we were looking out for their dad.

Thanks - some good ideas here.
We rarely see NDN1 (the shouter) out and about - she has always been v home-based.
Might try and speak to NDN2 next time I see her. We have had them both in for tea and scones before so are more than "nodding" neighbours but not close.
I suppose early-onset dementia might be an issue. They are early/mid sixties so not v elderly or frail.
Trying to think how to word any enquiry.
"Bit concerned for NDN1 - haven't seen her out of the house recently? And have heard her shouting? Are you both OK?"

It's definitely not deafness which is the issue - the tone is v angry.

That doesn't necessarily mean it's not deafness - if the person shouting is repeating themselves for the 5th time to someone who refuses to wear a hearing aid they may be a tad irritated

graphista
NDN2 is not deaf! I know, I've spoken to her.

Even if she was, which she isn't the tone is hysterical, not exasperated.