How do I get over my Mother not loving me? Frustrated beyond belief

[TooOldForThisFeeling]

I'm a grown woman. I'm too old for this shit. Had a very rough weekend which saw me collapse into a spate of panic attacks, and at the root of them is the relationship with my mother.

She is very ambivalent towards me. She had me young and didn't raise me but we had a relationship for years. It was always good, as long as I didn't expect her to 'mother' me. She was like my best friend in a way for a long time. She paid my school fees and supported me through university for example, so she was invested in me in a way. She didn't have lots of money, so she prioritised this and made sacrifices to do so.

As an adult, I have struggled with different serious illnesses and the knock on effect of them also meant my mental health was poor for a few years. She spent thousands for me to see good doctors. She paid my rent for a few months. Again, why would she do this if she didn't care?

But - I don't think she likes me, or enjoys my company. I thought she did, but something happened and it's become clear she does not.

It's having an effect on my self esteem. If she doesn't like my company, it's because either (a) she thinks I'm whining and exaggerating about my health, so doesn't believe my struggles or (b) she does believe me, but feels nothing or (c) I am basically just a bad person and she's been too polite to tell me for years but now is just distancing herself from me.

I'm so worried that I'm intrinsically a horrible person. I don't know how to turn myself around if I am?

I have a lovely partner and some lovely friends, who seem to think I'm not awful. I've always had some friends, but was sometimes excluded at school and never been very popular, and I've always put that down to having low self esteem in general due to various childhood difficulties.

But maybe the reason I have never been popular, is because I'm basically a wrong'un?

I'm due to get married and now I'm worried I'm not good enough for my partner. I'm really frustrated, because I try to live my life treating people well, but maybe I'm a lost cause because I am selfish and lazy, and I just can't see it? Maybe I only think I am not bad?

I think your Mother does love you, or why would she have done so much for you materialistically? She may have issues herself, you say she had you young, was she able to bond? Did she regret your birth and feel guilty? You say you weren't raised by her, perhaps that is a source of guilt? Maybe she just doesn't know how to be a mother? Perhaps what you want from her in terms of "mothering" is something that she can't give. None of these things is your fault.

It is easy to turn all the negative feelings inwards, but you really shouldn't. Focus on the positive things your mother has done for you, she clearly cares.

You say you were never very popular but do have friends and a lovely partner to whom you are getting married. Most people aren't popular, it would be weird if we all were. But having friends, even a small circle and a loving partner is all the proof you need that you are a valuable and lovable individual.

I think you need to talk to someone about your self esteem. As you sound like you have lost your way a little. But you are clearly loved and loving.

She rejected you emotionally and wasn't the mother you needed, which has affected your view of yourself and your resilience. That's her fault - not yours.

You can't change what she's done or how she's hurt you but you can focus on the fact that you've got people around you who really love you. We all have that child inside us who longs to be cherished, some of us have to shift on our axis and look at the love we have now rather than the love we were denied as children.

She’s done more for you than most mothers would. She clearly loves you and cares about your wellbeing and probably finds it difficult that she struggles to express it. It must be hard for her to do so much for you and for you to be distressed and anxious thinking she still doesn’t love you 🧐 .

In the nicest possible way, give her a break and maybe see somebody about your self esteem.

Good luck

I also agree with the poster who said it may be something she can’t give. She sounds like my mum - my mum NEVER says she loves me yet does so much for me. My dad says he loves me all the time yet he wouldn’t so much as go ten minutes out of his way for me if I asked.

I know my mum loves me but my dad is just selfish but good with words and telling people what they want to hear etc

I think some people are making the mistake of thinking that parents spending money on their child is the over-riding sign of love. It isn't. My mother also paid school fees and lots of other things, but it didn't translate to s feeling of being loved and secure - that comes from s different place and can't be bought.

You say something happened OP that confirmed your mother's feelings towards you. That, and the root of your panic attacks, is what you need to explore - maybe with the help of a counsellor.

Your friends and partner love you for yourself. You're not your mother and you are clearly very likeable and loveable.

What MorningsEleven said in spades.
I am in a similar situation, as are my siblings and its painful.
I went through a lot of counselling last year to work my way through my feelings and that helped dramatically but I do still have times when the little girl in me wriggles to the surface and I have a little cry because I want my mummy but I'm never going to have her.
You can't change the past or other people's behaviour but you can change how you see it and how it affects you.
There's nothing wrong with feeling like you do but, for your own sake, you need to find a way through.
Try the Stately Homes thread in Relationships. Just knowing there are people who understand how it feels has helped me through some dark times.

Thank you for your opinions on what could be going on with me and my view of everything.

I thought I posted in Chat, this probably isn't quite the right place for it.

She has done so much for me, yes. I feel ungrateful because I see how she has a classical 'mother' role with her other kids, and I wanted that.

But I did think I was ok with it until all the panic attacks at the weekend, and it struck me that I just have no place to go if the shit hits the fan. I am so, so lucky to be in a loving relationship but if my worse nightmare happened and something happened to my partner, I wouldn't have anywhere to turn to.

I think making wedding plans is making me sad that I don't have anyone to give me away, and that none of my family will be able to go. They will wish me all the best by text or maybe a call, and I am glad they want the best for me, but they don't really care. So we are not getting married in the UK, we will have a small wedding elsewhere.

Hrr abadonment of her mother role is NOT about you. It's not a rejection nor a comment on you. It's all her, her issues. Did she not raise you because of her age? Because plenty of teen parents do. Therewas a need SHE had to avoid being a mother. Her issue or failing. It is ok to have a different relationship with her but it is also ok to have some anger and need some explanations. Definitely not you.

I thought I had dealt with any anger and issues I had felt about it. I suppose maybe there's some left?

I don't feel angry at her, just so worried in case I've turned out crap. And really afraid at times that I have no family to rely on.

I kept having the same nightmare at the weekend where we were being bombed, and I would call my mother and she didn't want me to go to her. I was on my own, terrified with bombs going off around me. Then I'd wake up and have a panic attack.

I'm totally fine now but it's shaken me up a bit.

Even the memory of those nightmares actually makes me feel sick. I can't explain how afraid I was, so completely alone in a disaster zone not knowing what to do and thinking I was going to die any second. But it's not real!

Maybe I'm losing my marbles. A nightmare shouldn't be that potent surely?

It sounds very potent. You are completely sane. Your mother loves you as much as she can (demonstrated by her financial support) but I think everyone would choose life-long love over money.

You are deserving of love and you didn’t get the love you need. There is nothing wrong with you - your reaction is completely natural.

Have you had any therapy? Sorry if I’ve missed that upthread...

This stuff matters and it hurts. Just know that you are entitled to your reaction and you are allowed to have all your feelings.

Your reaction sounds normal to me; you've got a huge event coming up and you don't have the support you should. To compound that, she's raised your siblings so her rejection of you is bound to feel all the more personal.

It's all her, she's treated you terribly.

Look for a therapist who does EMDR

Thank you. I've read about EMDR and it does sound very interesting. I think I'll research doing some sessions, although cost is something I need to consider.

For fuck's sake. I just tried to write down all my anxious thoughts, to see if I could unravel them, but I can't even write them down clearly enough.

I suppose the best way I can describe it, is a fear of the nightmare becoming reality?

Like what do I do if there was a bomb and I couldn't find my partner, and my mother didn't want to know anything about what was happening to me? She wouldn't phone me. She would hope I was ok (I do believe this) but wouldn't try to make sure I was.

Not sure why this is so scary and painful. I'm a grown up. I don't need anyone else to look after me. Realistically, in a disaster scenario my mother couldn't do anything to save me anyway! I can do just as good a job looking after myself.

Literally, if I think of this scenario though I feel like I'm about to puke and tears come into my eyes.

I keep feeling I'm about to die, and I'm on my own. But it's not true. They're just feelings, they're not real.

Why does it matter so much to me?

I can empathise totally with what you are saying, feeling and going through. My mother is the same, although she has never provided financially, even whilst being in a situation where she could. I finally realised at about 40 she simply did not care or was unable to care for her children emotionally. She never has, and never will. It was a long hard road to accept that and I still find it quite difficult to deal with but am over the real raw angst and grieving process surrounding it. Because it was like grief, it was as if she had died. To really realise that whatever happened to me she just simply didn't have it in her emotionally to show any care, respect, feelings of love or empathy to me (and my siblings).

I too suffered (suffer?) from very poor self esteem. People look at me and think I am some super confident person but deep down that's not really true, but fake it until you make it.. when I got married my mum showed absolutely zero interest in anything to do with the wedding apart from her own outfit and what she was going to wear. Didn't offer a single bit of help, didn't come dress shopping, nothing. Just rang me from a really expensive boutique one day insisting I go and give her thoughts on the outfit she was going to buy which incidentally cost more than my whole outfit by at least double..

I could reel off loads of examples of course but it won't help. I have since realised the problem is so much to do with her and not me. I grieved for her and now it's as if she is no longer around, she's just someone called Mum. I too can remember having a panic attack one weekend and realising how alone I was and that I didn't have this simple key relationship or bond in my life - that of unconditional love provided by a mother. It was so shocking and hurtful to suddenly wake up and realise it after chasing her love and approval for years.

I think you are the start of the realisation and have to take comfort from the people who do care for you and love you. There are many people out there, just not the ones you would expect.

Have a look at the Stately homes thread. It was for me, the power of MN that made me really realise what was missing from my relationship with my Mother and realising it wasn't me who was awful and a bad child, but simply my mother is incapable of showing or feeling emotion and there was nothing I could do that would ever change that. So I stopped trying. I am now very low contact which suits my mental health a lot better. That may of course change in the future, but I do think you need to come to terms with the fact she is never going to change. I used to think my mum would suddenly start caring, and used to chase her approval, once I realised she wasn't going to change life did became easier because my expectations changed.

Course it's scary and painful, she hurt you and let you down terribly.

A thing they do in CBT is to get you to write it like a story - mine was to do with being attacked when I was 18 - and keep writing it over and over until you feel more detached from it. Might help, worth a shot.

Hypnotherapy is brilliant though not everyone's cup of tea.