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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your advice? Frustrating family situation.

25 replies

NameChangeTimeNow · 22/03/2018 13:42

This might sound really petty (sorry!), but it’s frustrating me a bit, so I’d really appreciate some advice please.

I don’t live with my parents, but come back home every now and again to see them - normally, every couple of months or so. I do like seeing them, and also just coming home and having a bit of a break and a change of scenery from the town where I normally live.

The thing is just that I find it a bit difficult to live with my Mum at times.

When I was growing up, my Mum would often tell me to do things (‘do X’, ‘do Y’). Obviously, these were for my own good (brushing my teeth, practising a musical instrument, for example), but it got to the point where I’d be getting older (ie. a teenager) and she'd still tell me to do these things, even though I was fully aware that I had to do them. (My Mum will also often say similar things to my Dad).

I just put up with it at the time, as it’s not that bad, but now, when I come home to visit, my Mum still says the same things, and I’m finding it quite difficult.

I try to just say things in reply like ‘yes, yes, I will’ or something like ‘it’s okay, I don’t have to always be reminded’ (in a nice way), but she doesn’t stop reminding me.

At that point, I’ll then start to get a bit frustrated, and say something like, ‘I’m (my age), I don’t need to be reminded to do these things all of the time’, to which she’ll then reply, ‘age is just a number.’ I find it really difficult to know how to respond and to keep calm in this sort of situation.

The latest thing (a tiny, tiny thing, which might seem very petty!!) is that I asked my parents if I could cook dinner for them at some point while staying with them. Normally, my Mum (and sometimes my Dad) does the cooking. They said yes, and my Mum asked what I was thinking of cooking. I told her, and she then asked what ingredients I needed. I told her again, and she took them out and then asked how I’d prepare the ingredients. She then started to prepare the ingredients herself without saying anything, which I found a bit frustrating.

How can I assert myself a bit in this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings? I feel like I’m still being treated like a child by my Mum when visiting. I do want to keep on visiting my parents, but I just find this situation a bit challenging.

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 22/03/2018 13:53

I think I would turn up with the ingredients and tell them that you appreciated their hospitality and was cooking dinner to repay them. Or arrange to have a meal ready for when they get back.
I'm someone with adult children who come home to visit and it's very difficult not to slip back into the caring role although mine seem happy to come back for home cooking. However when I go to theirs I am definitely a guest and stay out of their kitchens.

NameChangeTimeNow · 22/03/2018 14:01

Thanks fleshmarket :) that’s a good idea. At the moment, my parents rarely seem to leave the house (they’re both retired, and mostly seem to like keeping themselves to themselves), so it can feel a bit claustrophobic at times.

OP posts:
NameChangeTimeNow · 22/03/2018 16:10

Just bumping this in case anyone else has any other advice :)

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 22/03/2018 16:25

Unfortunately I doubt your mum will change if she's set in her ways.
I'd turn it into a game for yourself, what time she will remind you to do xyz, how many times she will check xyz and things like that. If you decide in the morning she will remind you to brush your teeth at 9.35 then you actually find yourself looking forward to her saying it to see how close you can get. It's a bit daft but can be fun and distracting.
I agree with pp, take the food with you and either pre prep them or just don't tell her what you are doing with them just tell her to get a drink and sit down.

Pumpkintopf · 22/03/2018 16:53

Op does she still tell you to brush your teeth?!
Can you be honest with her and say 'Mum, I'm an adult now with my own place, I can manage my own life and I know it's a habit for you but it's one that's putting me off coming to stay'
Also echo what pp have said - bring all the stuff you need to cook them a meal then just get on with it.

GreenTulips · 22/03/2018 16:58

I'd rrather mind her before she does you

Come on mum time to brush your teeth - after all it ju turn to take care of you now - come along dear

underneaththeash · 22/03/2018 17:02

My DM was exactly the same all through my 20's, she only really stopped doing it when I had children of my own (maybe she considered me grown up at the point!).
I found it really irritating, just keep reminding her. She probably quite likes looking after you when you get home, so just let her do the cooking.

NameChangeTimeNow · 22/03/2018 18:40

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 22/03/2018 19:06

I'm nearly 50. My parents still treat me like a kid.

Peachyking000 · 22/03/2018 19:09

Mine is a bit like that. I find the best way is to laugh and exclaim “seriously Mum?! I’m
Nearly 40!!”

Gatehouse77 · 22/03/2018 19:10

Or you could make up bingo cards and see if she says all the usual ones. If you're feeling particularly brave you could invite your Dad to join!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 22/03/2018 19:13

I remember when I was in my 20s and I used to take my mum to the supermarket once a week. We had a stand off because she wanted me to go to the toilet before we went and I refused GrinGrin

She drove me mad, but I miss her now.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 22/03/2018 19:14

It’s your mum’s way of showing you care. In my twenties it would irritate me. In my forties with no mum to nag me I kind of miss having that person. Can you just let it go over your head?

Somethingveryrandom · 22/03/2018 19:15

What happens if you say no?

WhataLovelyPear · 22/03/2018 19:15

If you want to cook, make her leave the kitchen - tell her it will ruin the surprise or something so it's a fun reason for her to stay out of the way, rather than you being bossy. And I sympathise - my Mum is very managing and despite being the wrong end of my 40s I still revert to teenager when I visit Hmm

pigeondujour · 22/03/2018 20:00

Knew it wouldn't be long til someone told you to appreciate this extremely fucking annoying and condescending behaviour you would never be expected to take from anyone else because some people's mums are dead.

No practical advice OP but I get treated like a baby at home too. I deal with it quite angrily to be honest, which works up to a point. But my family are very resilient so that mightn't work for you.

Motoko · 22/03/2018 20:29

I think with the meal, when she started prepping the food, I'd have said "Mum, I said I'd cook. It won't be a meal made by me if you do all the work. Go and put your feet up, I've got this." and then gently pushed her out of the kitchen.

The other idea of making it into a bingo game is good too.

Do you all go out anywhere when you're there? A trip to the garden centre, a wander around town, followed by lunch or coffee and cake, etc? It won't feel so claustrophobic if you go out.

NFATR · 22/03/2018 20:56

I don't really see the issue. Mother treats grown child a little like a child, shocker! So what?

Graphista · 22/03/2018 21:12

Very common, very annoying.

My mum tries to hold my hand to cross the road, asks if I am eating enough veggies...

I'll be 46 in a couple months, have a 17 year old dd of my own and am a vegetarian Grin

I just say something like "yea I'm ah adult now - no need for that"

Her "baby" sister is turning 65 in a couple weeks - still referred to as the baby sister and managed by mum and another aunt - drives her nuts - she takes great delight in doing the exact opposite of what they "tell" her to do Wink

Just keep reminding her "I'm an adult I'm perfectly capable of X y z"

RemainOptimistic · 22/03/2018 21:12

And this is one of the reasons I do not stay in my mother's lair home any more Grin

ThatItIs · 22/03/2018 21:19

My Mum reminded me to be careful when I was carrying a sharp knife last time I was visiting. Really Mam! What do you think I’m gong to do with it? 💁🏻

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 22/03/2018 21:40

I have recently had a thread on here for how to feel less like a child when I am around my parents. I wish I knew the answer as it makes me dread seeing them Sad.

So I have huge sympathy but no advice, sorry OP! Hopefully others will have some for us.

Takeoutyourhen · 22/03/2018 21:52

OP perhaps tell her to do something else, distract her. She sounds preoccupied with checking on you when you visit. Imagine how your dad feels!
@ThatItIs mine too, I can't do anything that could pose a risk in front of them, usually on Facetime. Child holds a fork - they'll poke their eye out etc. Reminds me of Hyacinth bouquet - mind that cow!

applesandpears56 · 22/03/2018 21:56

Aw it’s just her showing she loves you and cares about you
Of course she knows you can do these things yourself
Every time she does it remind yourself she saying it because she cares - not because she’s trying to control or belittle you

TalkinBoutWhat · 22/03/2018 21:57

I'd do the same back to her. "Time to brush your teeth now mum". "Be careful of your hot tea mum". "Don't forget to use the oven mits mum".

The list is endless. All of the appliances that are hot: kettle, toaster, oven, hot plates. Cleanliness: brushing teeth, washing hands before dinner, washing hands after dinner etc, etc.

"Just making sure the dementia doesn't make you forget mum. You seem to have forgotten the last 20 years and have slipped back to 19whatever".

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