Grandparent troubles

[1310k]

First time posting, go easy on me!

Up until the last year or so I used to be fairly close to my Mam. Her and my dad split when I was younger and I was raised by my dad, as she'd left for another man and had no intention of taking us kids with her. We reconnected when I was a teen and I moved in with her when I was 17 and became really close, but had more of a friendship type relationship than the traditional mother/daughter. Over the years I became more of the parent, as she's more of a teen in her head, tends to make poor choices where men are concerned. For instance the man she left my dad for was an alcoholic and abusive, which I got the brunt of when I lived with them, as he didn't like that i argued back and tried to make her see she could do better and be stronger.

So, fast forward 10 years and I'm a mother myself to two amazing kids! My Mam has been in and out of relationships for 8 years or so. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it if she was happy and I didn't have kids, my issue is that she is amazing with the kids when single, then as soon as she's in a relationship they don't see her for dust. This effects my eldest especially, as he's a creature of habit and needs the routine. I've tried explaining this to her many times, but she accuses me of 'dictating her life' when all I've asked for is a bit of routine for when she sees the kids, not just as and when.

This lead to arguments and a strained relationship for the last year. I also got married last year and she was no help in the build up to it, wasn't bothered about being in the room when I got ready and it put a strain on the actual day! 6 months before the day she asked if her on again/off again bf could come, I said as it stands no - met him twice in the 18months she had been with him and were trying to limit the random men in and out of the kids lives, but If he wanted to make a bit more effort beforehand and get to know us, then he'd be welcome to come to our wedding. She agreed, but it never happened. She was supposed to be having the kids the night of, so hub and myself could have a couple drinks and relax, but 2 weeks before said she wouldn't unless her boyfriend could come - even after still not seeing him up to this point! So our wedding night was spent with the kids in the bed with us!

I'll admit we're quite over protective parents and expect grandparents to follow what rules we set, with regards to the people they bring into contact with the kids. Nobody else seems to have a problem with it, but she's constantly pushing buttons and bringing up her relationship to our 5 year old and asking if he wants to speak to him on the phone and things when he's only met him 3 times! I just want her to concentrate on having a decent relationship with her grandsons first and then if she's in a stable and long term relationship down the line we can think about more, but it doesn't seem to go in when I explain this, she usually walks out.

I've come to terms with our relationship being rubbish, but desperately wanted more for her and the kids!

The thing is, you cannot really set the rules for who your mother has in her life, and if you don't want your children to be in touch with your mother's friends, then all you can do is keep your children away.

You can't police your mother's social life. You've tried, it doesn't work (and rightly so, it's not up to you really), so you have a decision to make. Either you accept that your mother lives as she lives (and unless she's endangering the children, I don't quite see the problem with children meeting her friends), or you keep your children away from your mother.

It's not about me policing her life, I just want her to keep her private/social life separate from her life as a grandparent, until she's in a stable and long term relationship. It's not about friends, she has a history of bad boyfriends and I guess being untrustworthy to a degree when with them. For instance she has lied in the past about things that have happened when my eldest was in her care, her bf at the time shouted at my Son during a row with her and then kicked them out on the side of the road to make their own way home. She didn't tell me this, I found out from my son later. She's submissive in relationships to the point of lying to protect her partners.

So, I wouldn't want my kids in the company of her partners until I knew and trusted them myself. It's more her trying to push relationships on the kids 'play happy families' in a sense when she hasn't been with them for long.

I guess I don't understand why her relationship with the kids can't be separated? She rarely sees them as it is.

If I wanted a friend or relative to come to my wedding, I would invite their partner even if I'd never met them. So she is quite reasonable in her desire for her partner to attend.

On the other hand, your experience suggests her partners are not the sort of people you'd want around your children. YABU not to want your children to spend time with her partner until you'd vetted him. But I don't honestly see what the problem was with them seeing him as part of a crowded room at a wedding.

And surely you realised he would be around if your DM looked after the children on the wedding night?

You can't ask her to separate her grandmother life from her private life. Being a grandmother is a relationship, not a profession.

Her life as a grandparent IS her private and social life.

You are trying to police her life and it's not working (and has never worked and will never work). The only lives you can make decisions about is yours and your children's. If you believe she cannot be trusted with your children, don't leave your children with her.

She is never going to be the Grandparent that you want her to be. Just like she wasn't the Parent that she should have been.

I think that your children won't suffer if one of 'Nan's friends' tag along. However whilst she is making such poor choices in Men, which she will be likely to do, she can't have them whilst they are around.

What was her reaction to you confronting her about the car incident? It's really dangerous to children when a Woman will lie to cover up a Man's aggressive behavior.

Just to add, she may never be in a long term relationship, unless she gets help. Those bad choices don't come from nowhere and unless that is addressed they will continue.

It might be that you're hoping she'll be, for your children, the person she wasn't for you. It doesn't look like she's grown any more responsible in the years since you were a child, and her choices haven't gotten any better

In all honesty, I wouldn't allow her have my children out of my sight.