Friend’s daughter dating coke dealer AIBU to find a discrete way of letting her find out?

[Theg00dwife]

My friend is just lovely, not a best friend but someone who I can turn to in a crisis as we’ve known each other since our kids were babies.

We’ve been through our DDs’ ups and downs together but now and again (as our DSs are friends) I hear things about her.

So far these have been about drugs, pregnancy, dodgy boyfriends etc.

Eventually her DD did tell her about the pregnancy but it was not good and a sad tale. I knew about a month before she did. It was a horrible position to be in, and my friend still doesn’t know that I knew... or at least she hasn’t mentioned it. I’m assuming she’s hoping I don’t know.

So to get to the point my friend is delighted that her DD has ditched her trashy druggy boyfriend and now has a lovely new sensible boy from Uni. Only bloody hell, DD has told me that he’s not great, in fact he sells cocaine.

I’m fed up of worrying what’s going to happen next to my friend’s DD.

Would it be U to come up with a plan so that my friend finds out?
Or am I interfering?

I genuinely want to help, but don’t want to get my DD into trouble and also I don’t want my friend to lose face to me.

Any ideas?

I would tell the mother. Even though I know it wasn't really my place to tell I would still do it. If something happened to the daughter that was possible preventable by someone closer to her then I wouldn't be able to look the mother in the eye.

I would tell the mother but make it clear I wants sure if it was true or not. I would also explain to my daughter that I would have to tell the mother and why. The last thing you want to do is loose the trust of your daughter

@NotASingleFuckToGive
My advice would be; Nose. Out.

Are you rich? Mine goes up the nose, not out. Look, if you’re just going to waste it, send it this way please.

If my DD's bf was a dealer and I didn't know but someone else did, I'd want them to tell me.

I’m fed up of worrying what’s going to happen next to my friend’s DD.

So don't. It's not your business. And to some extent, it's not your friend's either. let them make their own mistakes in adulthood, unless they really are a threat to themselves or others. Be non-judgemental and supportive if your friend tells you stuff and don't pry if she doesn't. What feels like genuine concern can come over as rubbernecking.

If you need to say anything at all, just say to your friend that her daughter has a loving, stable family to rely on and that you have faith she'll straighten herself out in time.

If my DD's bf was a dealer and I didn't know but someone else did, I'd want them to tell me

^^ this. I am surprised at how many people are saying to keep your nose out. I’d want a friend to tell me definitely.

Would you want to be told if it was your DD?

But it isn’t clear if he is a dealer. It is Chinese whispers so I wouldn’t be making problems between a family unless I was certain.

"Would you want to be told if it was your DD?"

Yes, probably- but that wouldn't mean I had any right to know.

She's an adult, and she's entitled to have a private life without anyone running to her Mum to tell tales.

Unless the OP has genuine concerns for her safety, then it's not appropriate to be gossiping about her to her Mum simply because she doesn't approve of her boyfriend.

Lots to think about. Yes FWIW I would want to know, and I think that my friend would tell me...
According to DD they’re very loved up and going on holiday together, on one hand that sounds less drug-dealerish and on the other I’m not thinking ‘crap what’s he going to put in her luggage?’
Plus what if she’s with him when he goes to meet his supplier?
I think I’ll have to have another chat with my DD to see what else she knows. Friends DD is very bright and rather rebellious, which has got her into sticky situations before. She’s from a very solid, money background and her parents and family are lovely. Mum has found drugs in her room twice, so is no fool, but I’m sad to say they’re falling for the charm of the new boyfriend as he’s a bit more posh and together than the previous one.
I really want to stay out of it in a way as I don’t think parents could stop her dating him anyway! But jeez I’d hate for something awful to happen to her!

She's an adult who can make her own decisions and mistakes. You don't go running with tales to her mother when she is 19.

Your own daughter might not be too pleased with you either if you tell as it will be obvious the information came from her.

I would tell her. 15 years ago I had this problem about a friend's son (and did tell, for what good it did). Today, he is a drug addict, prostitute, manic depressive and HIV positive.

The most used coke dealer when I was at Uni is now a very successful Doctor.