To think I'm being forgotten while my 2 best friends are busy being friends with each other?

[gigg]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable - please be kind as I'm feeling quite sad about this.
I have 2 friends who are like family to me and who I've known for most of my life, let's call them X and Y. They did a joint speech at my wedding and X and I did a joint speech at Y's wedding, which is a good indication of how our friendships work - we have our individual friendships with each other which can shift and vary in closeness over time, but we are also part of a larger group and in that context, as well as in my own way of thinking, the three of us are known as a trio. There may be times when X and I have been closer or spent more time together than X and Y, which I see as part of the natural flux of friendships, so this brings me to my next point.

Over the past year or two X and Y have become a lot closer to each other. This began as they do certain activities together which I don't do, but this has evolved over time into a friendship I feel has become more and more exclusive and less inclusive of me, so much so that when the three of us went out for dinner several months back, I felt really uncomfortable at the amount of in-jokes and references made and didn't enjoy myself at all.

In the past few months I've moved overseas and both X and Y came to see me off at the airport, but even then it felt as though I was on the outside and they had very much formed a unit of their own. Since then contact from both of them has been sporadic. I've initiated frequently and sent them gifts etc. but I've had lukewarm responses, and whenever I ask one of them what they're up to they're doing things with the other.

AIBU to be sad about this and feel forgotten because they clearly want to be closer friends with each other than they do with me? Is this just part of the natural variation in levels of closeness within friendships which I should just accept and hope that someday we'll be able to pick up our friendships where we left off?

If you are overseas then i think sadly that it is a bit inevitable that they will grow closer as presumeably they will see more of each other .
That is not to say that they dont still consider you a v close friend though but it may just be the logistics of meeting up that is hindering things.
Have you made some new friends in your new location ? That will help no doubt .

Sorry but there's not much to be done if you are oversees. I had a similar experience, 2 very close friends who are now closer with each other since I got married and had a baby. They don't have those things so their friendship with each other is more important to them now. We still talk, one much less frequently than i would like but we have different priorities and that's how it is.

If you live abroad, unfortunately this is a natural progression of the friendship. Don't write them off. Focus on your friendship with each of them as individuals and cultivate that. Schedule one on one Skype chats etc. Instead of thinking of the three of you as a trio- focus on why you are friends with these women individually.

I completely understand why you feel sad about this, YANBU.
The thing is, they are naturally going to be spending a lot more time with each other and you are abroad. It’s not personal but of course it will smart a little bit. Concentrate on making new friends if you can, it will take a while. I remember feeling so lonely when I first moved to a different area far away from my home town and I felt as if I was just leaving everyone behind. But now I have some of the best friends I ever have had. It did take time but it came in the end.

Don’t be too hard on yourself!

Thank you for your kind responses all. I'm not sure if I was clear in my opening post that I've only moved in the past few months but this has been going on for quite some time longer than that, and so the overseas move feels like a bit of a nail in the coffin :(

I haven't made many new friends at all yet so that doesn't help, and these two have been my friends for so many years and we've shared so much. I just don't know how much I should keep initiating or just leave them be...but I keep hoping to pick up the phone and find that they've messaged.

Over the past year or two X and Y have become a lot closer to each other. This began as they do certain activities together which I don't do, but this has evolved over time into a friendship I feel has become more and more exclusive and less inclusive of me

Were you invited to join these activities? Did you say no? It sounds like they just spent more time together which naturally makes them closer. If you were turning down invites and then moved overseas, it doesn't sound like they did anything wrong, they merely became closer to the person who was going to be actually available to them and less so to the person who wasn't. Perfectly normal I think.

@CompleteAisling I wasn't invited specifically I knew about it and could have joined in I guess. I'm not suggesting they've done something wrong in growing close to each other at all - as you say it's quite natural. But I do feel hurt that they're not making much effort to keep up their friendship with me, that they constantly made in-jokes with me there etc.

It depends what kind of relationship you have with them but if it were me and my closest group of girlfriends (there's 4 of us and like that we're a foursome but may spend time as a 2 sometimes as well) I would have a chat with them, tell how you feel. Over the years me and my friends have had awkward chats about stuff like this and we've always sorted stuff out

It could be that they are (sub conciously or otherwise) annoyed at you for leaving? Perhaps they feel like you are leaving them and their friendship behind in some way, and are looking to you make the effort to show otherwise?

Ah that's a bit sucky OP. I get how you feel. I have a similar trio back in the Uk and have also been living overseas recently. My friends appear to see less of each other though - they have busy lives so nothing else to it I don't think. Honestly I think a degree of homesickness and maybe a bit of uncertainty about whether the move was the right thing etc can really amplify feelings like this. Coupled with not having found really close friends in the new place. I've made some great friends where I am but I've also been hurt by being left out of stuff - stupid at 40+ - and have been really surprised at myself and how I've let stuff upset me. It's all because I'm out on a limb over here I think.

@CompleteAisling I don't think so, I wish it was that but I think they're not too fussed at the moment about whether I'm there or not.

@jellycat1 it does take you by surprise, how these things can sting so much. Good to hear I'm not alone in that. My two friends are both very busy people but I suppose a number of factors has helped them stay close such as their shared activity. I guess it just feels a bit like I'm swimming against the tide in trying to hold on to them and I know I should probably just let go but it's hard when you've been friends for so many years.