Child maintenance?

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Sorry, I couldn't find the chat topic for some reason so had to post here... apologies.

Basically, long story short, my ex left (after some pretty horrible times, abusive and violent behaviour towards me, I won't go into detail here because it makes me horrified and sick even thinking about what he has done.) about 8 weeks ago, leaving me holding the ten week old baby.
He has not paid a single penny towards the baby from the day she was born, literally bought a pack of nappies here and there, maybe one box of formula, etc.

I am on SMP and am literally on my knees here financially. My savings have literally dissolved.

I rang the CMS to seek advice regarding getting some support from him. They recommended doing a family arrangement, which he has repeatedly point blank refused to consider.
I suppose my only option is now through the courts and the legal side of things. I just wondered if anyone could offer any advice or experience of going through the system to get child maintenance, or what sort of amount he would have to pay?

I might add, that he has been offered contact, and has either 'forgotten' arrangements, turned up with woefully inadequate provisions (think summer dress in the snow), demanded to use my things such as the bloody expensive pram I bought, or cancelled at the very last minute, yet is very vocally demanding his rights as a 'doting dad'. Apparently I am expected to provide him with all she needs for his non-existent contact.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice regarding this, or any tips on how to make him agree to any sort of amount, I would be grateful. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I am very tired.

Did he want a child?

What's that got to do with anything? He has a child, that child needs food and warmth and clothing etc. If he was that against having a child, he shouldn't have been having sex, I mean are we really going to pretend that men still haven't grasped how babies are made?

Angels you make a good point...

This makes me so so angry.

It should be paid by the government and then pursued as a tax debt by them. It's ridiculous to put all the onus on the abandoned mother to get these twats to pay.

Because if he didn't want a child and the pregnancy was unexpected perhaps he is having trouble coming to terms with being a parent. If he was that against having a child, he shouldn't have been having sex yeah, like that's how it works in reality

Just ignore his threats of going to SS. They aren't interested in 'revenge' claims and will see right through him.

Spendide I completely agree. I know a lot of people will question why I chose to have a child with such a waster, but unfortunately the gift of hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I wouldn't swap my daughter for the world despite all he is putting us through at the moment.

I just find it incredibly sad that this self proclaimed loving father cares so little about her that he can't even be bothered to contribute towards her. Obviously I will try and remain positive (whilst inwardly screaming) towards him when she is old enough, but how on earth will she feel if she ever finds out what he has done, and that he has never contributed anything. It's such a sorry situation.

Parental responsibility (paying) and parental rights (seeing the child) are completely different and one has nothing to do with the other.

They can be forced to pay and never see the kid. If he turns up at court and says "well, I'm paying so I want access" a court will take a very dim view of him. Paying for your child does not equal paying for access. They don't get away with that. If they make him, he can scream and shout about taking her more but you don't need to give in. Have a minute of agreement written up regarding contact and he'd need to stick to it or you can go to court to have a court order put in place. But him paying has no bearing on his access.

If he does make frivolous complains to ss then surely that could be a form of harassment? You'd have plenty options there.

My ex didn't pay as he didn't want any contact so didn't see why he should pay anything. The CMS were chasing him, he got his own solicitor who told him very clearly that paying and visiting have nothing to do with each other in the eyes of the law.

They shouldn't make you pay the £20 fee. I only had to tell the CSA over the phone that my xp had caused problems and we had not contact, they waived the fee.

He will have to pay open a case.

Ignore him and don't listen to him for your sanity.

Draw up a contact schedule.

Don't worry about SS - my Ex kept reporting me but they do see through malicious claims.

Enjoy your baby and this time - ignore him!

I just find it incredibly sad that this self proclaimed loving father cares so little about her that he can't even be bothered to contribute towards her.

Child maintenance doesn't necessarily make a difference to spending on the child though. You're not going to half-starve your child because the father isn't paying half the cost of its food, if necessary you will eat less so the child eats enough. So he can genuinely love the child while knowing that not paying maintenance is not harming the child, it's harming you.

(I'm often irritated by the "what about the children" arguments in these threads, because they seem disingenuous to me. It may or may not be the case that morally child maintenance should be paid, in most cases it probably should be, but actually fairness depends on the bigger picture, which includes the overall finances of everyone as well as all previous transfers and agreements between both parents.)

@Firesuit

So, in you example were finances are that tight- the mother should go without food to feed the child, while the father keeps all his money and eats just fine?

No.
Just leave the thread. It does not matter what the situations are - both parents should pay towards a child they both created. Just because it's the woman's job to give birth does not make other job to be solely financially responsible. The only reason for no maintenance is if care is split 50/50.

The OP came here for help in making a claim and to find out the steps she needs to take.

She is not here for a debate on the fairness of maintenance. You have no right to say that maintenance isn't to help with the child and doesn't make a difference.

Do you honestly believe that people who care about their children do not want to help look after them? Do you not think that looking after them involves paying for them?

People who love their children pay for them (I get there are exceptional circumstances)

Why doesn't the NRP non payer go without food?

I'm going through this now. Was the DV reported? They waivered my £20 fee as I was pressing charged against exP.
They go on the previous years earnings by contacting HMRC directly.
You can do their online calculator. Did they not ask if you were on speaking terms? I have requested Direct Pay. No % taken from either party and CMS will get involved if they are 5 days late paying. That's my understanding. Ring them again ASAP as they only backdate to the date that they made contact with him.
Good luck x

You've already been given good advice re maintenance. As far as contact goes, obviously with the baby being so young and him being an abusive arse I would suggest offering a couple of hours twice a week at a mutually agreeable time, as he is incapable of taking care of her basic needs I think it would be best if you could have a family member or friend present to supervise. If he doesn't turn up just carry on with your day.
If you're really struggling would you consider selling your expensive pram? Yes it's nice to have a nice shiny new one but your baby doesn't care and would be just as happy in cheaper second hand one.

but actually fairness depends on the bigger picture Well the law doesn't agree firesuit

My husbands ex made all sorts of allegations against him to S.S. - they saw right through all of them. I think they are used to it. Try not to let the threats get to you.

You have to go through Child Maintenance Options first, or you did. I did not have to pay the fee. Mine was waived because I had a police panic alarm placed in my home - I'm a grandparent carer.

This makes my blood boil about the CMS. Ill trained staff trying to get you to enter into a family based arrangement with someone who has refused to pay anything and is abusive towards you. Great idea there. They want to take the easiest option for themselves - not for you. They don't seem to grasp that is what they are paid to do.

You need an assessment. Ring them today, tell them to get on with it and you do not want a family based arrangement.

If they struggle, they will then tell you they are not an investigative agency. Their own guidelines state that staff are not meant to tell you to investigate matters yourself. Very strange, because they have a Financial Investigation Unit with 55 staff they are very unforthcoming about.

Under law, he is required to pay child support for your child. You do not have to go to court - that is why the CMS is there. Good luck op.

I could sell the pram and get a cheaper one, but I hear the resale value is pretty shocking...

Unfortunately the allegations he has made against me to social services are pretty damn serious (can't go into many more details without outing myself). Obviously I understand they have a duty to investigate, but it's frightening how far things have got on a complete and utter fabrication. There is absolutely no proof of anything he has said against me, yet my life has been ripped apart and scrutinised and made absolute hell by it all. It's been 8 weeks so far and it's not going to go away for at least six to nine months, assuming he doesn't decide on a whim to make up more crap.

I am just scared that if I make a claim for cm, he will have yet another reason to hold it against me. But at the same time, I need financial support, and legally he should be providing it. He gets to play the doting daddy whilst contributing nothing at all, financially, emotionally and practically. It's just not fair. And if he carries on, I am in very real danger of not only losing my daughter to his horrible scheming family, but also my career as well.

Sorry, I am feeling very sad and lonely this evening. Don't understand what I have ever done to him to deserve all of this.

Op I understand the fear of ss even if it is malicious they still have to investigate and it's still a very horrible thing to go through, I had it done to me and they were down at the school, put notes on my doctors records which meant when I took my son to the drs I was treated with suspicion and asked why I was "under social services" this was after the case was closed with no action but they still left notes on their file at the gp. Even if the reports are malicious they still do damage.

Prettylittlething I feel your pain. It's horrendous isn't it? I feel totally hounded and bullied by the whole thing, but there is little I can do as it is his word against mine (again, absolutely no proof of anything), but my life is no longer my own. It's so invasive.

I feel so awful that I will always remember the first months (years? Who knows) of her life as the most horrible experience of my entire life.... and he has got away with everything. He doesn't have to look after a young baby 24/7, he doesn't have to clean/wash/feed repeat and he never has. I feel like I've been a single mum from the beginning he was so flipping useless. I absolutely adore her and would do anything for her, but sometimes I just need an hour to myself but I have very little in the way of support. I scrimped and saved so that I could provide her with the best I possibly could, but on SMP alone, I cannot do this.

Again, this is why I am hesitant to make the claim. I know it's the law that he should provide, but he has all the power in this situation. And bringing cms into this may just make the situation worse... bearing in mind she gets through about three boxes of formula a week - that's £33 alone.

blah my ex isn’t on bc, has zero ‘rights’ but still has to pay. He chooses not to see dc, to mine and dcs benefit.
In truth, he’s a deadbeat scum. He drops jobs as and when the mood takes him and suddenly the deduction of earnings order produces nothing and they (cmo) sit scratching their heads wondering what went wrong. If I’m lucky, six months later they will have found he’s working again and suddenly a random payment arrives.
So payment and contact truly have nothing to do with one another

Wait-
Don’t you get milk tokens? Apply for that if you’re able to...

I don't know how SS work but if you have s case worker or something could you tell them your concerns?

You'll have already told them its all nonsense so tell them that he's refusing to provide financial support so you're going to CMS. Tell them he had made threats against you and you're concerned that if you do claim, he will make up more allegations. Then when he does, you can refer back that. Do it in writing.

Also, do everything you can to catch him out. Tell him by email that you plan to claim and will be co-operate - see if he puts into writing that he'll report you for more rubbish. If you see him in person, bring up the allegations he's made and how it's affecting you - have your phone on record and see if he laughs at you or says anything yo help prove he made it up.

He has already admitted to me (over the phone) that he made up the allegations out of spite and anger after I asked him to leave for the third time after he turned up home from work at 11.30pm for the millionth time. Unfortunately as I said, I have no proof of this, he is being very careful not to leave an evidence trail...

I have text proof that I asked him to consider a family based arrangement which he point blank refused. So at least I can show that I've tried I suppose.

I am just so worried as I said, that this will make things worse but again, I really need the financial support. Especially as I am going to have to go back to work sooner rather than later (if I still have a job after all this), so nursery/childminding fees will wipe out my income, plus she is nearly at weaning age so again, spending will be upped.

Thanks for all the advice, I will email him across what I have asked him to do so far and point out that he leaves me no choice but to make a claim. I will also speak to the social worker when she turns up for an unannounced visit (oh the joy), and can show her the threatening texts, etc.