Christmas works do's vs vital medical appointment

[Dreamsnatcher]

This is a was I being unreasonable to be pissed off with bf. Yes it was a while ago but doing some thinking about stuff and learning from it type of thing so please bear with me.

Bf had 2 work related Christmas do's. One in Glasgow, one in Edinburgh, on consecutive days. He said it is not essential that he attend either. He works from home mainly so not office based. He was flattered to be invited as most people in his job don't get invited to these things so it was an ego boost.

He has 50/50 custody of his two kids aged 6 and 7.

Said do's required being away for 3 days and they were during the week he had his kids.

During this week, on the days he was away, his 6 year old daughter had her school nativity play so he couldn't go. His 74 year old mum travelled 35 miles to stay at his for the 3 days with the kids and attended the play in his place along with his ex-wife.

During this week he also had an appointment for a hospital appointment that he had waited 3 months for. This was for a potentially life threatening illness (not cancer) that is affecting our relationship, his job, his ability to drive, his relationship with his kids and obviously his health, not just physically but mentally. The appointment was for important tests to establish the extent of the problem and if he needs surgery.

He cancelled the appointment and rebooked.

I was annoyed. His health problem is killing our relationship.

I feel sorry for his daughter who did not have her dad ,who she is very close to, at her Christmas play. My own children would resent me not being there at one of their plays especially if I could have gone but chose a non-essential works do over coming.

I don't think he should be putting all that on his mum at her age either (he tells me I expect too much of my mum (who is a similar age) if she just picks my kids up from school once a month and she lives a mile away!) but that's between them, my main concern is his health.

New appointment finally arrived and he attended and he has to go back for further tests in 3 months. Said he can't attend due to meetings (which he has previously said can be swapped around if need be). Then the hospital postpone anyway and now the appointment isn't until the beginning of May.

I feel so annoyed as if he had attended the first appointment back in December there might not have been all these delays, he'd had been fully diagnosed and most likely treated by now and his health would be much improved as would our relationship.

Would you be pissed off and think him selfish or WIBU?

I can see your POV, but is it possible he's scared?

I think there are two separate issues, missing a nativity play to do drinking on a Christmas do is selfish.

On the health point, of your relationship is having issues as he is ill then it's not the ill health that's the problem but the actual relationship. If it were strong and stable the health wouldn't be causing issues bar concern.

@YellowMakesMeSmile we can't share a bed because of it which we both find upsetting, he's depressed and irritable with all around him.

@mineofuselessinformation initially he was but he's pretty much been told the diagnosis, he just needs (non-invasive, painless) tests to confirm and form a treatment plan. Surgery is unlikely as usually a last resort.
This has been affecting us both for a year and it took him ages to go to the dr for referral to start with. He said he thought I would leave him if he didn't get it sorted and I reassured him that was not the case at all but it still took him 4 months to even go to the doctors.

I'd add that the thing about the nativity really got to me because he let his little girl down. I could never do that if it was avoidable and it was. He has half the year to do as he likes when he hasn't got his kids so to me missing her play tells me he's not the kind of parent I am and that makes us incompatible maybe.

On paper it's not great, and it doesn't sound like he tried to attend one do only, and decline the other, that would have freed some time.

Its difficult to judge:
at 74, my grand-mother is fit as anything, runs her own small business by choice, and 35 miles is not a big deal. The child was with her grand-mother and her mother, she wasn't abandoned. It's more the disappointment of the change of plans than the actual fact her dad wasn't around. It's only a nativity

From your side, the medical aspect must be very frustrating. YANBU to be pissed off, you have to deal with the consequences but you can't do anything.
On his side, he might be scared, or trying to ignore the problem, or worried that things will not get better anyway. He might hope he goes away. It's depressing to miss out on things because of your ill health. It's also scary.

Hang in there, being unwell make people irritable.

@ikeepaforkinmypurse my mum is also fit and healthy but 3 days is a lot to ask. That includes taking them to school each day and to all their after school activities as well as Christmas parties that week. Pretty sure he had her shop for their costumes too. My daughters are gutted every time their dad doesn't turn up to a school event. I can see their eyes scanning the door watching for him and their disappointment when the show starts and he's not there. These things are very important to children. The health side of things is killing us as a couple and that's what makes me angry. It's like he doesn't care.

Being ill does give you a tunnel vision. For an outsider, it's impossible to comprehend why someone would not try hard to get better,but illness does strange things to you.

Again YANBU, try not to take it personally, and I hope he will get his ass in gear and get better. At the very least he should do it for his kids, and you, but it's difficult.

It sounds as if he is scared re the illness.
I can’t really comment on the nativity I missed my dds gymnastic displsy for a Christmas night out in my defence night out was booked first!

The nativity thing I'm meh about. I don't move heaven and earth to go to my DCs - I honestly can't recall if my parents turned up to mine (I doubt it) and couldn't care less.

The health side of things, again, I wouldn't harangue him for. From his point of view, he's had a shitty year health wise, may be scared for a whole host of reasons, gets invited out when normally people aren't. Yeah he could have refused but may have been concerned that they wouldn't ask again.

It may be that you are incompatible for other reasons, but be cautious about ascribing the way you would do things with the only correct way to do things.

@Moreisnnogedag I haven't claimed my way of doing things is the right way. I just have a different approach to some things than him.

What dies he say when you remind him it could all have been sorted by now?

He said he thought I would leave him if he didn't get it sorted and I reassured him that was not the case at all but it still took him 4 months to even go to the doctors.

It might sound harsh, but I have found that someone looking for excuses to not get medical problems sorted out, can use this type of assurance to prolong the agony. I have learned not to answer the question 'would you leave me i didn't get it sorted', but to ask in return 'if you really loved me, and your children, why would you not get anything impacting your health sorted'.

I have some sympathy about the works do, it is sad but true true that in many organisations even now, being seen to be in with the crowd is still very important. You mentioned that he was invited to join, rather than being there as of right, so it is possibly a sign of being 'in' with the leadership group.

While school nativity plays seem important, i would always tend to prioritise key work events over school social events, so long as the child has someone in the audience.., If the child is otherwise secure in the relationship, and the adults do not make any big deal about missing it, it would all be good. Other adults setting up expectations with the child that both parents should always attend is setting them up for disappointment.

As a PP has pointed out, if the relationships are otherwise good, you can weather these storms, but only if they are good. If these are just examples that crystallise your fear that you are not on the same page, then...

He gets all huffy and blames the hospital for delaying things. He never accepts his part in anything to be honest. It's always the fault of someone else.

I think he should rearraante work so he can go to the March appointment. I don’t think his decision at Christmas was that unreasonable but he shouldn’t delay any further. No point in dwelling on the past though.

I forgot to add that his medical problem is mainly caused by being obese and he's done bugger all to lose any of the weight he's been told he needs to lose by the consultant. I just see it as doing nothing to help himself and that's what makes me angry I suppose.

How long has he been your bf? Do you live together? Tbh it sounds as if you don't like him very much. 35 miles is not far for a healthy 74 yo. If his family were ok with it why should you judge? Maybe he is embarrassed by his health and is burying his head in the sand.

I agree with LIZS, from your messages it just doesn’t sound as if you like him very much and that you want the responses to be that he’s a twatbadger.

I think it’s a shame that he felt that he had to prioritise his Christmas Do over two other things but that if it happened to me, I wouldn’t be doubting the future of my relationship.

@LIZS I did say the arrangement is between him and his mum. However he thinks I rely on my mum too much when all she does is pick my kids up from school about once a month and she only lives 5 minutes away. His mum is moving in for a few days each time he does this kind of thing so that's quite different. But yes, he's very good a burying his head in the sand. I do like him very much, I just don't like how his health problem is impacting everything and he's doing nothing about it.

I think there are a few things going on.

Firstly I should think he's scared. A lot of men in particular avoid medical appointments.

Secondly, as a home worker I understand that it's actually quite important to attend these work socials, because you can become very isolated. They're a good way of getting to know people and the work they're involved in.

Thirdly, children are resilient. His dd had her mum and grandma at her nativity. I'm sure it wasn't her first nativity and there will be others. I always attend nativity plays but ds would be more than happy with his dad and Nanny watching him.

But all of this aside, it's done now, however you feel. Holding onto the resentment will add to your relationship concerns (he may have been unwise, but it can't be changed now) as well as worries about his health.

I do understand how frustrating it is for you that his actions are counter intuitive because you both want his health issues addressing. But raking up the past isn't going to help change the situation.

I'm Sorry I can't offer much more advice other than talking to him about your feelings and ultimately you can't make him attend appointments. Focus on ensuring he attends the May appointment.

I think he's burying his head in the sand as it's easier than confronting his issue. Losing weight is hard and the fact that his health issues are of his own making is also hard to face up to. You reassuring him you won't leave has, in effect, given him further permission to not face up to the reality of the situation.
I do sympathise, as it's so hard to lose weight. I need to, for potential health issues and I'm struggling with it.

Whatever the reasons for missing the appointmen and his daughters school stuff I think the point is that you're seeing things you don't like, decisions/actions/attitudes that are giving you pause for thought. Thats actually fine, pretty healthy imo and it doesn't necessarily matter what other people think or might have done differently. It sounds like what you're seeing is causing you to reevaluate the relationship and you're allowed to do that.

I think that a three-month follow up appointment indicates that the tests aren't considered urgent. I'm not saying they aren't important, but they aren't urgent. If they were, they could be arranged in days, weeks, etc.

Some of the worst health conditions bring out the worst avoidance in people. It's survival instincts and they can't help it.