To be bloody scared about death, dying, and oblivion?

[NooNooHead1981]

Sorry for the morbid subject matter, but I have been thinking a lot more about this since my DB passed away last year from bowel cancer at 34.

I know there is absolutely nothing that can be done about death/dying, but the more I think deeply about the actual reality of oblivion and dying, the more freaked out I feel.

There was a great reply that was posted in response to someone on Reddit's similar fears:
'Non-existence is an unimaginable concept. There are two things the mind can't truly comprehend. The first is the infinite. The second is its inverse, the null. And to try to imagine the null, especially in context to your "self", is fucking daunting. It's like standing at the edge of a fathomless dark pit and looking over it and feeling like you may loose your balance and fall in.

This is the existential dread. It is an empty yawning cave. And there is no examination of it that you will find solace in. There is no empty quip that can fix it, not if you've really hit the deep examined thanatophobia. And the more you think about it the worse it will become. In this sense it is anti-intellectual. I've always felt this was what Nietzche was talking about when he mentioned staring into the abyss and having it stare back.'

I totally get the 'staring into the abyss and having it stare back.' It is unfathomable, and not the best thing to be worrying about on a Tuesday lunchtime...

I guess there is nothing to comprehend or fear in a way, as death is just that: nothingness. I don't need to worry about something I won't experience, and as the infamous Monty Python song say: 'You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!'

So AIBU in worrying about nothing..?!

Not unreasonable at all. I'm often utterly overwhelmed by thoughts of death and 'what comes after'. It can be truly terrifying.

No great help, I know, but when I get like that I try to focus on the here and now. Think about what is, rather than what might be

Thanks FairyAnn - good advice. Distraction (and small children!) are great at taking my mind off heavy subjects that scare me! I think a cup of calming tea is in order too...

Of course it's natural to be curious/concerned/even fearful about death, I don't think it is an issue unless worrying about it is seriously affecting your daily life/causing you serious anxiety.

Personally I do not believe there is anything to fear at all.

Sorry about your DB

I'm glad it hasn't got to that stage yet BexConnor but I think my DB's passing has really made me think a lot more about it than before.

It's just the whole non-existence that scares the crap out of me. I know people compare it to going to sleep, before you were born, general anasthesia etc but it is still so mind-blowingly horrifying that if I think too deeply then I start to panic a bit. I'm going to be consciously not trying to make it a big issue though, as I don't want anxiety issues over it.

The older I get (50’s) the less I am concerned about it. I have a job that involves working with people in their 80’s and sometimes 90’s and it doesn’t look a great deal of fun for most. Lots of health issues and pain and hospital visits, trips out to places you have already been, loneliness which Is so prevalent yet rarely highlighted and death all around you in your friendship groups.

I look at my life and the best times were between 13-35. Since kids it’s all been stressful and now I am pulled between them and elderly parents, one with dementia and the other with cancer. Life is no longer much fun bar the odd night out here and there. If I could choose when to die having seen what I have, I would choose no older than 82/83. I hope it is painless though. The suffering I have seen some people go through before the end is awful.

Cakeisthebest - I feel the same as you.

I don't believe that death is 'nothing.' I used to, but not anymore.

And even if it IS nothing, you'd never know about it

I'm not worried about dying, more the manner of dying. I do not want to live into old age with Ill health, loneliness, boredom. Would much rather die quickly of a heart attack at around 80.

I believe in making the most of your life now, so that when death comes you have few or no regrets.

It's an interesting subject and one that I never used to think about when I was younger. I'm 50 this year and had breast cancer two years ago, dh has also been diagnosed with a cancer ( although we hope he has many years left). But it tends to focus the mind a bit, and we now very much live in the moment, we don't think about the future much. It's sounds a cliche but we are trying to make the most of this time in our lives because it's not at all certain that either of us will get to old age. Death to me holds no worries other than
A. Suffering before it happens
B. Leaving loved ones behind

Have you thought about getting some cognitive behavioural therapy op? I think you might find it useful.

I get what you mean and I think it’s very normal to start having thoughts like these after someone close to you dies, especially if it’s the first time you’ve experienced death with someone you love. It makes us question life.
I found myself obsessing over everything death, reading up on it, watching documentaries to do with it, listening to podcasts. All I was interested in was death! It helped in a way as it got it all out my system but I don’t know how healthy it was.

I agree with the post above. Live in the here and now. Focus on what makes you happy.

I have this too, OP. I lie in bed sometimes trying to fathom the concept of ceasing to exist, and all my loved ones going too, and I feel real fear. I am an atheist so I'm not comforted by the afterlife.

I wish I had advice but I know how you feel, and I think it's a very common fear. I suppose the best bet is to try and live life as well as possible, and make the most of it while we can..

The universe was here before you you born.

It will carry on without you once you're gone.

It's a miracle that you've been alive to experience some of it.

So sorry about your loss.

I get this OP

I also panic about losing people I love, like my cat. He's not even two but I'm still terrified of the day when I'll have to say goodbye The concept of someone just suddenly ceasing to exist is so dark

Thank you all for your interesting and thoughtful replies and input.

I'm definitely of the opinion that mindfulness, appreciating everything I have, being happy etc are key. I've had a very tough few years with health problems, ectopic, head injury, and losing my DB, so I am currently really making the most of my happier times now and looking forward to welcoming my DS in June. It's eye opening seeing someone waste away through something awful like cancer, and very upsetting to see them being told they are going to die. How my DB processed this information, I do not know, but I hope he truly thought he was going to get better and that was what kept him going until the very end.

I am in my sixties and have lost a lot of people close to me in the last few years. I think being close to those who die or are dying has made me examine my own mortality more closely than I have ever felt the need to before. You are having death shown to you, and it's not a pleasant consideration. I don't believe in life after death, to me when you're gone that's it, eternal nothingness and oblivion. I don't fear oblivion, for example, every night I enter oblivion when I sleep, or there is the oblivion you get with a general anaesthetic, but I do fear the manner of my death. But, I am alive, and all the people I know who have died (most recently, like you, my brother at 48 from cancer) no longer have that privilege, so I owe it to them to make the most of what I have left on this world and bloody well enjoy it.

I admit to not quite understanding this perspective. I don't fear death itself, because there will be literally nothing to fear, nothing to experience. There won't be a "me" to suffer any more. I fear and hate the idea of leaving my children and the people who love me to suffer my loss, and would fight for my life like a tiger. I hope to live many rich decades more. But once my kids are grown and able to cope without me... I've seen enough of the cruelty of ageing to know that death can be a merciful relief and a kind end to pain.

Maybe my feelings will change as death inches closer to me, but for now I fear living too long and dying too slowly more than I fear being gone.

I used to feel a bit odd about the concept of "nothing", but now if anything it seems comforting.
I truly (want to) believe that death hurts only those who are left behind, and as a PP said while I fear suffering whilst dying and causing loved ones pain I don't fear death.

When people talk of "nothing", they talk about it in terms of experiencing it, feeling it, picturing it. When really you'd simply no longer be aware.

Have you ever been completely exhausted, and "passed out" when falling asleep at the end of the day - it's different in that it feels deeper, more unconscious, no dreams etc. I kind of picture dying/nothing like that - just letting go. Only difference is that you won't wake up in the morning.

I am absolutely terrified about death and actually, growing old in general. I'm 30 this year and it feels like I'm about to fall off a precipice - which I know is completely irrational.

Thoughts of old age and dying could swallow me up sometimes and I have to be very strict with myself to stop the thoughts.

I think it's become worse since being pregnant too, thinking I'm not going to be around for DD all her life.

So in short, you're not being U. I know exactly what you're talking about.

I had a heart attack last year and when faced with it, found that I did not fear death itself, but felt heartbroken at the thought of leaving my children to suffer loss. I was already old when my father died - it felt natural, they are teenagers...

I am an atheist and take comfort from the fact that every atom of our being has been around since the dawn of time itself, manufactured by the stars of our growing universe. Every atom of our being will be around until the end of time - just arranged slightly differently over the millennia.

Beyond, so eloquently put. I think the same.

Not unreasonable to think about it. I think it depends on your beliefs. I believe in heaven. My dad died when I was 13 and 3/4 grandparents in the last 20 years also along with a much loved dog. As much as I would hate to leave DH and DS, assuming I died in the normal order of things (ie at an old age) I believe they will all be waiting for me so I'm not afraid.

I had this fear twice in my life... both times after the birth of my sons which went alongside my postnatal depression... death was all I thought about... I drove my friends and family mad questioning it and googling the meaning of life but oddly when my depression lifted so did my fear... I don’t give it a second thought now... I live for the moment and get on with living.
I’m not taking anything away from your fear but don’t think it’s inevitable you will always feel this way... the words of wisdom that helped me was a friend saying even if life is pointless I would rather live and die than never live at all.

We don't truly 'die' as what we are made of get recycled through the Universe. What dies is the 'ego'. What makes us 'unique'.
I don't believe in the afterlife and to me death means 'AT LAST SOME PROPER REST!'
Can you imagine how many traumatized humans there would be in Heaven or elsewhere if we were allowed to keep our 'ego'?
We are here to learn about the world and make it a better place, whilst trying to enjoy ourselves.
Whatever happens I'm happy to have been given the chance to be a Human being who is curious about the Universe and all it's beings.
All we can hope for is a quick and painless death.
I think it's much worse seeing others go before you. I think that's what scares people.
Being alone.

I get this too, OP. It’s not pain or the process of aging/dying that scare me, but the lack of conscious thought and non-existence that follows. The fear usually creeps up on me just before I fall asleep (and I then have to spend the next 60 minutes thinking about fluffy kittens and pretty flowers just to get myself anywhere near sleeping!)

It got worse for me after a friend was killed by a drunk driver in our early 20s. Ever since that I’ve been very aware of my own mortality and how suddenly we can be faced with it.
I don’t know how to get over it or deal with it – I really wish I did. The only way I can kind of cope with it is by trying my best not to think about it. We can’t reason or logic it out in our minds, it’s completely incomprehensible to us, so we’re only torturing ourselves by trying to figure it all out and make peace with it. Some of us just can’t.

The only thing I find that helps these days is, when I feel thoughts about death creeping up on me, I quickly visualise a siren going off in my head, flashing lights, yellow and black barricades, and a big ‘STOP’ sign. Then I force my mind on to another topic ‘What am I doing tomorrow?’, ‘What’s the answer to 25930 divided by 245’ (that one is usually rapidly followed by ‘why the fuck am I so bad at maths?!’ )
I’ve been doing the ‘STOP’ visualisation for so long now that my mind does it automatically when the existential dread starts creeping in. It might not work for everyone, but that’s all I’ve found that helps.

I really with I could get on board with a religion. It must be very comforting compared to the idea of nothingness!

I'm not worried about dying per se, more that I am afraid of being in pain, and worried about the logistics of it (worry that I'll die in the night as a single parent and would my 4yo be ok, that kind of thing)

Wether there is something there after or not, who knows, will find out only one way :) no point in dwelling if you can help it.