To feel like I'm breaking

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

I know people going through a lot worse than me. So I feel self pitying, but oh my God, I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I'm at home today DS6 who is vomiting for the third time in 6 weeks. Waiting to go to appointment in a bit. He's missing lots of school, I'm missing work, I'm having to juggle getting DD8 to and from school and clubs. DH is doing his bit, but he commutes to another city for work. Which he hates and complains a lot about. The people and situation more than the commute.

My darling grandfather died the other week, the funeral was held 3 days later and due to the snow, I couldn't get there (no flights). I feel lost.

DH and I are having some highly problems, it is getting sorted, but I feel insecure.

The drains got blocked. The toilet is leaking. Again. Was only fixed a few months ago.

Cat is ill. Heart problems & then a mouth infection.

Work is meh. A few very difficult people with wierd agendas. It's a total stopgap job, but I left my career 8 years ago when dd was born, so my confidence is gone.

I'm struggling to find any time for me and even when I do, I don't know what to do for myself. Money isn't totally scarce, but not exactly free flowing.

I've been depressed before. This doesn't feel like that at all though. I'm not hopeless, I dontvhave the same symptoms. I just feel like a fortnight in the med on my own might help!

I don't have anyone to really moan to. I have some great friends, but they have their own issues and I don't want to zap any of their energy.

Your bloody overloaded and your friends will want to hear your moans. I have a place full but find it nice when my friends can lean on me a bit and have a moan.

Id try and get signed off work if you can't take time just to get your head cleared a bit.

You need to plan a break for sometime in the next 6 months. Getsomething in the diary. Book it.

YANBU. It would be odd to feel perfectly happy and perky with all that going on! Like you say, you've had depression before so you know this isn't that. Which is one less thing to worry about.

We all go through challenging times like this where all of a sudden absolutely everything seems to hit at the same time, you can never predict it then suddenly you're in the thick of it. You're not alone. When it happens to me I find it helps to remind myself that it's not fair, yes, but nobody ever said life would be fair. There's no universal force of justice or fairness so sometimes you get shit on and sometimes you get a break.

Hunker down, try make five minutes for yourself each day to just be still and alone, don't be afraid to seek support from those who love you when you need it (a true friend would want you to reach out!) and it will pass.

Life eh. Sometimes it honestly feels like a joke you're not in on! 💐

Thank you. Lovely responses.
Yes. I do need to talk to my friends. They have reached out, but I've minimised.
Our "break" is a week camping in August. I don't mind camping, but that doesn't help!

I do get some time alone, but my head goes into overdrive! I've never been any good at relaxing.

One thing that helps a lot of people I know (and me in the past) if you want to vent or some support but don't want to burden people, is to set aside half an hour to ring Samaritans, when you're driving if you have hands free maybe, or on a walk. Just take that time to have a chat and offload and talk things through with someone who cares and who you don't have to ask anything about in return! People often mistakenly think they're only there for people who are suicidal or depressed but that's just not true. Anyone with a problem or in some kind of distress can use the service.

Yes. I think that would help actually. I feel so guilty burdening the already burdened.

Book a holiday for you and a friend, or on your own if you prefer. Your husband will cope.

He won't and there's no money for that.
I work in a school, only holidays are school holidays.

What you're feeling is normal. Mothering is hard enough some days but with everything else thats happened in your life recently... I truly think you're amazing for coping this long without saying anything.

Talk to your friends. A good friend isn't going to care about you calling to have a bit of a vent. As long as you're not asking them to fix it - I'm not suggesting you are btw - they won't mind. And as pp suggested find yourself 10 or 20 mins when you can call the Samaritans that is absolutely what they are there for. Plus venting to a total stranger where you can say anything you want without having a fear of judgement sounds like exactly what you need.

Try to remember that this won't go on forever things will settle down again 💐

Aw, what a lot to cope with OP. Anyone would feel utterly overwhelmed and a bit crushed by that weighing them down. You are simply too overloaded emotionally and physically, as you know all too well.

Agree that you absolutely should offload to your friends - it really, really helps you get through.

Maybe do some breathing exercises - YouTube have loads, I love Max Strom. They really help to centre you and five minutes can make a difference.

Hang in there

Crushed is the word I keep spinning around in my head.
I'm getting anxious, waiting for what is coming next and just feel my resilience slipping.

It may not be particularly helpful to hear but whatever happens to be coming in the future is outside of your control.

Just for the moment try and concentrate on the here and now. While you're getting overwhelmed the best and only way you can get through this is 1 day at a time - im sorry i know it sounds trite.

No. It's fair.
My plan is to offload to someone. Even writing a list will help I think. Just getting it out.
If it gets too much again, call Samaritans for a chat.
Book sonething to look forward to.

Good plan. And remember - you are grieving. The loss of your grandfather only just happened. You didn’t get to the funeral - is there anything you can do to mark his passing for yourself?

Your resilience has taken a big knock due to this. In time that will balance. Your DS will get better and go back to school, the drains will get sorted. Don’t worry about job/career for now - is there a possibility you could get signed off for stress? You have lost a family member and are carrying everything.

How are you OP? Hope things feel a little less bleak

I would suggest that you go to your gp and get signed off work with stress. You need to stop and if that's the only way then do it. Your family needs you but you can't look after others if you don't first look after yourself.
I hope things get better for you

Hi. Well, one more day, then two weeks off (school hols).
We impulsively booked 3 nights in a caravan in Cornwall. I've stocked up on ready meals, pizzas and wine. It won't cure all, but I'm looking forward to It.
Thanks, all of you.

Enjoy it OP! And make another plan after you’re home too for a few months time maybe - keep peppering in things to look forward to.