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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider banning DS’s GF from staying over?

37 replies

Anquin · 20/03/2018 00:03

Long story short: DS has been seeing this girl for around 6 months. She has an “Anxiety Disorder” and is scared of socialising.
She has got a lot worse recently, and refuses to eat anything when she comes to stay - this has the effect of causing her to behave in a manner that I can only describe as schizophrenic; e.g. she will start to scream and shout and punch herself in the face etc. When she feels worthless. My only similar experience was with my DM, whose dementia got worse as she forgot to drink anything and suffered with UTI’s which produced similar behaviour.
DS has tried to get her to seek medical help, but she refuses. From what I can gather,she has little/no support from her single parent mother, and her father is out of the picture. Her brother, who at 7 is 12 years her junior, is autistic, and gets all their mother’s attention.
Each time she stays over, her behaviour gets worse, she eats less and less and now refuses to shower, clean her teeth etc. Leaving DS to spend hours trying to get her to function.
Me and DH both work, and these late night psychotic episodes are not helping us to get a decent nights sleep when she is over, as we are constantly worried about what she might do next.
I want to tell her to seek medical help and not visit until she has her condition under control, as this behaviour is affecting the whole family.
I can’t provide the unconditional love and support she evidently needs, as this should come from her family, but as mother to DS, who clearly loves her dearly, should I be trying to do this?
I just feel as if it’s not my place - and don’t want, nor have the time, to have to deal with it either. AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsCrabbyTree · 20/03/2018 08:07

OP, in case you show this thread to your son - please don't think that we are hard of heart or don't understand because I am sure our words of advice come from a caring and experienced place. It is a wonderful thing to help others, but sometimes you are not the person to 'save' them. There can be others with life skills, someone with access or the knowledge where to get help, someone with a support system that will be just what she needs.

Sometimes you have to be strong and tough to do the right thing. Hear everyone's opinions and please think of the consequences of your decisions. We all are wishing you the best.

Dipitydoda · 20/03/2018 08:20

Wow, how stressful for everyone involved. Your family sound lovely and your son a real credit. But it is her family that have the responsibility for her. Tbh trying to get help for mental health issues is hard enough when everyone wants it, let alone when someone doesn’t. Does your son visit her house? Can he talk to her mother? I’d second phoning an ambulance if she’s like this, she’s a danger to herself. Even if they can’t get her to go anywhere they can flag her to the appropriate authorities and sign post help (although not sure this would be that much help as she presumably lives outside your local authority/trust area.) does your son know if she has any other relatives eg uncles/aunts who maybe able to help

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 20/03/2018 08:23

Hi OP. Echoing what everyone else has said, but also adding that your DS has white knight syndrome. Most young men do, I did. This is perfectly fine for normal situations, but a woman like his GF will lead him into codependency and a lifetime of misery.

martellandginger · 20/03/2018 08:29

I do feel for the girl BUT she is not your daughter.

Its not down to you to make sure she eats, brushes her teeth doesn't go into a fit...

What does your son see in her? is he troubled himself?

JaneEyre70 · 20/03/2018 08:35

Your son sounds lovely, but he's taking an awful lot of responsibility on with this girl, and she's never going to "get better", it's a case of managing her condition and if she's not accepting medical help, then sadly she's not helping herself at all. I wouldn't accept that behaviour in my home on that basis alone.

I'd be deeply concerned about him.

justilou1 · 20/03/2018 08:36

Poor kid! Your poor son. What a position to be put in! I realise that it's not that easy to get someone committed, but her behaviour is endangering herself and your mental health. It sounds like a trip to the local hospital might be a good idea.

Original poster

Anquin · 20/03/2018 17:18

Thanks everyone,
All the comments are really helpful - thanks - especially for those of you that took the trouble to add further comments and advice.
We won’t share the thread in case DS thinks it’s some kind of betrayal, even though it’s anonymous...
Lots of good ideas on how to proceed (with caution). We will have a family conference about it on Thursday and support our DS in trying to get her some help in her home town.
Will update if we make any progress as I cannot imagine we are the only family struggling with this dilemma.
You are all heroes! Thanks again🙂

OP posts:

SlummyMummy77 · 24/03/2018 07:24

Hi Anquin - how did it go? I've been thinking about you x

FlouncyDoves · 24/03/2018 07:27

He needs to sack her off. But he needs to be prepared for the whole ‘I’ll kill myself’ guilt trip.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 24/03/2018 07:37

"Sack her off", Flouncy? Nice.

Original poster

Anquin · 27/03/2018 07:10

Thanks for your support, @Slummy (fantastic moniker btw).
So now the promised update:
First DS avoided the topic by stealth (ensuring he was either out, or had other friends around, so we couldn’t get him alone until Sunday! )
We have now all agreed that we will all be watchful for “trigger-points” that will spark her anxiety, and work as a family unit to explain that she’s not causing a problem.
We’ll also insist on them joining us on a morning out locally next time she visits, and explain that we will take 2 cars so she and DS can leave early if the socialising aspect gets too much, but we expect her to try to join in for at least 30 minutes.
Will let you know how it goes, but with a strategy in place, hopefully we can introduce some kind of normality to her behaviour when she’s visiting! Wish us luck!

OP posts:

YellowFlower201 · 27/03/2018 07:22

All the best with this! Hope it works out for you all.

Your son is clearly very caring and kind. Try to keep an eye on his boundaries though. There must come a point where he says no to her. From my own experience it can be hard to find that point with someone who has a mental illness.

Have you called mind for adult social services for advice. They may have some pointers?

If she has another difficult night i would insist that she provides you with her mother's number and would speak to her.

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